OFFICIAL PRESS RELEASE
Sheffield Fuel Depot Cleansed of Zombie Menace; “Blaze Beginning to Wane” says Fire Chief
By Hashim Hassanzadeh
It is impossible to operate a zombie hunting enterprise without a certain amount of controversy, but we at Jim Rage’s Elite Zombie Hunting Squadron have always felt that everyone is entitled to their opinion, regardless of how wrong it may be. Ordinarily, we do not dignify badmouthing with any sort of response, but due to certain newspaper editorials deliberately propagating libelous attacks on this company’s recent operation at the Sheffield Fuel Depot of Caledonia County, Vermont, it has become necessary to clarify what took place on June 28th, 2010.
Since the company’s return from financial difficulties, several changes have been implemented. In an effort to enhance our brand visibility and promote employee unity, JREZHS recently undertook a feasibility study in regards to uniform policy. In the past, our zombie hunters were free to dress in casual work attire (usually consisting of flannel shirts, chef’s pants, military surplus, and various items originally purchased through the L.L. Bean catalogue), but this has proved to problematic in certain areas, particularly in regards to standardizing footwear. Many an intern has been seriously injured after entering a zombie-infested site wearing only colorful flip-flops. Additionally, during winter-time activities, no one ever bothers to wear a jacket, which is really in gross violation of common sense. Everyone should wear a jacket when it’s cold. This is a fact. 
For the above reasons, JREZHS unveiled a professional, yet stylish line of company outfits, consisting of a snappy tie adorned with the Seal of Safety, CK brand (Chaotic Killing) khaki slacks, and a sensible hardhat. To further enhance customer relations, each item had been deep-soaked in floral fragrance to make each hunter smell like a lovely spring morning. The new uniforms were unveiled at the new staff conference, and feedback was generally positive, with Drew “the Tough Noun” Parazynski noting that he “smelled like a Yankee Candle factory.”
Later, we received a call concerning a fairly routine call concerning a Level Three zombie infestation at the aforementioned Sheffield Fuel Depot. Leakage from several barrels of a recalled experimental fuel additive had resulted in multiple zombies clawing their way from the grave in search of flesh. Ben Parazynski, Drew Parazynski (no relation), and Peter Fury (who needed the hours), were dispatched to the scene.
Within moments it became apparent that the overpowering potpourri scent could be detected by every bee within a five mile radius, and our zombie hunters were forced contend with swarms of stinging insects in addition to a horde of hungry zombies. Under much duress, the three hunters attempted a heroic strategic retreat. Ben Parazynski, unable to see, lit a discarded newspaper on fire and waved it around to ward away the bees.
While no one can say for sure, it believed that a few of these now-burning insects flew into the vicinity of the diesel storage locker. The ensuing explosion (which we hold no liability for) vaporized the zombie threat, and consequently our company fulfilled its contractual obligation and therefore deserves full-payment. 
These were the circumstances of the day, and anything that you might read to contrary is categorically false. The vitriol of these attacks is brazen and clearly intended to wound us on a personal level. For all of those who want to paint JREZHS as the bad-guy, they’ve omitted the fates of our courageous employees. While Drew Parazynski and Peter Fury managed to fortunately escape serious injury and are expected to be back at work promptly next week, Ben Parazynski is now in the hospital, having discovered that he is allergic to bees and fire.
We intend to take legal action against Sheffield Fuels for their failure in payment for services rendered. We are also currently reaching a decision whether to launch a suit against these individuals who are determined to ruin our good standing in the community. This will not stand.
On a side-note, the company has abandoned the new uniforms in light of the bee problem, and we are instead experimenting with identification badges with holograms.
