Steven “Wild West” Winfrey stepped from the chili pepper eating contest tent with a blue ribbon attached to his leisure suit. Grown men walked away with tears in their eyes, not just because they had consumed a whole lot of hot peppers, but because Wild West Winfrey had eaten more than double what anyone else had without breaking a sweat, and in a Texan July, not breaking a sweat is a damn miracle. The Round Rock 4th of July festivities were going according to plan. Balloons were being filled by teenagers whose parents mentioned they’d be willing to help out, chili dogs were being consumed in record numbers, and no zombies were in sight.
Wild West was about to head over to the cake decorating contest tent so he could win that too, when he bumped into his old friend Patch Armstrong. Wild West apologized for bumping into him but explained he had to keep his sunglasses on if he was going to win the darkest sunglasses contest. For the past ten years Wild West had been making the trip to Bowie County to zombie proof Patches home, as well arm his vehicle with cool new zombie killing stuff, and teach Patches dog several new tricks regardless of how old it was. This year, however, Patch explained that business was bad for his armored bus route.
“Safety’s just not anyone’s number one priority anymore. To top it off I’ve had hundreds of cancellations ever since the spill in the Gulf. Who wants to vacation to Louisiana with that black goop floating around?” Reasoned Patch. Just then Gator Jack from Gator Jack’s Sports Apparel walked by sipping on a Pepsi.
“Hey Gator!” Yelled Patch. “What do you think you’re doing drinking that?”
Gator was confounded for a second looking at his drink, but sighed and said “Well I have to drink something.”
“That stuff ruined my business and the lives of countless others.” Rebutted Patch.
“Well it’s now fault is it? Besides the Pepsi spill was an accident, it’s not like they did it on purpose or anything.”
“They should be tried and hanged as should you for supporting those crooks.” Patch was getting real riled up, but Wild West decided to step in.
“Hey guys this is Texas, which means there’s enough room for the both of you. Look Gator, here’s a free coke bottle cap I won from in 1997. I’ve been saving it for a special occasion, but you can have it. Patch, I’d hate to loose your business, that’s why I’m going to Louisiana to sort everything out.”
With that Wild West walked out to the parking lot, got inside his Jetta, and headed East to right every wrong. A cardboard cutout of his likeness filled in for him at the many contests the fair had to offer and did a good job, but without quite as much panache.