 With tuppence for paper and string, you can have your own set ofwings. With your feet on the ground you�re a bird in flight, with your fist holding tight to the kill switch of an industrial cement mixer your using to fill in peoples graves so they don�t come back as zombies. � � � Ben Parazinski felt as high as a kite as he whistled his cement mixing song. He�d taken his green Subaru Legacy into the shop earlier afraid that he had a cracked engine block, but it turned out it was just the thermostat. King Kong was playing at the drive in and it was a Friday. Ben had been rocking out to the cool tunes of Fresh Air with Terry Gross, when suddenly someone turned the station to XL92, which was just getting underway with it�s �Friday Afternoon Blastoff� which consists of approximately eighteen minutes of inane sound effects. Ben turned around, somewhat miffed, to find a rather large fellow, not fat, but you know, �big�. Think John Goodman, dressed in a Zoro costume, with a gasmask. � � � �Try this fist to your face, risk free for the next thirty minutes, and if you don�t like it you can keep the pain as our free gift to you.� Announced the cloaked figure before delivering a mighty punch to Ben�s lucky temple. The man then began whipping in on Ben�s face. � � � Under less jarring circumstances Ben would usually execute a nimble dodge and come back with a stinging retort, but these were not normal circumstance and instead Ben shot back with a slurred grunt and a chipped tooth. � � � �Teeth bugging you? Visit Gentle Dental �at gentledentle.com to schedule an appointment with a friendly, qualified dentist today! Mention that I referred you and a get a 15% discount!� Said the mean the man as he attempted to stuff Ben in the cement mixer. � � � Ben quickly reached for the controls and dumped himself and the cement payload onto his assailant. It made a huge mess, but it gave Ben a chance to get to his feet. He was bleeding, dizzy, confused, and his best tie was ruined, but he was ready for combat in what would surly be one of the most earth shattering fights in recorded history. The man in black rose and then quickly scampered away to a biplane he�d hidden behind a biplane shaped shrub.  � � � �The Baron rides again!� shouted the apparently named Baron.� � � Ben hopped into his Subaru, put in his Hocus Pocus tape, and made chase. Although it�s a difficult task to chase an airplane with a car, it should be noted that Subarus have superior handling and they�re four wheel drive system makes them second to non for rural Vermont driving. After a short while it became apparent that the plane was heading straight for our office and it could be assumed that nobody had locked the doors. Ben made it back as fast as possible, but it was too late. The Baron had killed all of our tulips and left coupons for 1800flowers.com. Ben ran inside. The baron was nowhere to be found. Suddenly from behind a stack of zombie awareness bumper sticker boxes the Baron leapt forth wielding a screw gun with a complete disregard for proper screw gun handling. � � � �If I can�t pound it into your head, I�ll drill it in!� Yelled the Baron. � � � Ben dodged the attack and picked up a nearby circular saw that The Mad Hatter had been using earlier on an arts and crafts project. � � � �What do you want?� Shouted Ben. � � � �As if you don�t know.� Returned the Baron. �You �people always think that it�s so nice to drive into town to buy your supplies. Wake up! It�s the 21st centaury. It�s time to start thinking of the global economy. Before this day is through I�m going to see to it that you are ordering stuff off the internet, Mack!� There was an awkward pause for a second. � � � �Wait, what? Really?� � � � �Yeah really.� Said the Baron with an indignant tone. There was another pause. � � � �Never! I buy local, because it keeps local business thriving and has other positive repercussions such as a decreased dependence on transportation, and is thusly good for the environment. Die!� � � � The two leapt at each  other and were quickly locked in a standoff.Ben�s circular saw inches from The Baron�s throat. The Baron�s drill bit whirling with a high pitched squeal as it taunted Ben�s forehead. The Baron�s enormous strength slowly pushed Ben back against a wall. Baxter Black watched intently and would have done something if he hadn�t been on his lunch break. With a heavy sigh Ben realized he didn�t have the strength to push the circular saw into The Baron�s neck. � � � �I�m putting you out to stud.� Whispered Ben Parazinski as he turned the saw around and used it to chop through the drywall and 2x4s that made up the wall behind him. They toppled through the wall and ended up in the meditation room. Ben raised his weapon high into the air and asked if The Baron had any last words. Just then a midi version of �Vicarious� by Tool was heard. The Baron pulled out a cell phone from his pocket. � � � �Oh snap, it�s my girl from Boulder! What�s happening babe? No! No way. Get out.� � � � �Hey! Excuse me. I was trying to kill you.� Interrupted Ben. The Baron put his hand over his ear so he couldn�t hear what Ben was saying. �It�s a little bit rude don�t you think? I think it�s kind of rude, but maybe I�m old fashioned.� The Baron made one of those �I�ll be with you �in just a second� hand gestures. Disappointed Ben made himself a sandwich. Before he could finish however the phone rang. On the other end was a rather irate Clem Stuart from Clem�s mowing. � � � �What did I tell you guys about the cement? Didn�t I tell you that you could get in there today if you just made sure everything was cleaned up by two o�clock. Didn�t I say that? Who knows? Maybe I said go spill cement over everything. Make it impossible for me mow this graveyard. Yeah, maybe that�s what I said, but that doesn�t sound like something I�d say. You know I changed my schedule around for you guys, and that�s not easy for me to do. I�ve got a lot of places to be�� Clem continued his tirade as The Baron got up, went to his biplane, and flew off, leaving behind a sky written note: �U suk!� � � � Ben sat down to enjoy his sandwich realizing that he�d have to come in tomorrow to finish up the work he�d fallen behind on today. Ben clicked the radio onto NPR. Marc Breen was in the middle of giving his weather report. It was going to rain hard tonight.   |
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