At the Jim Rage Headquarters a TV inanely bantered away in the background without anyone paying attention.
DAVID CLARK HAZLETT OF THE NEW YORK TIME: Indra Nooyi, earlier when you made the comment “We care about the small people” what exactly did you mean by that?
INDRA NOOYI, CEO OF PEPSICO: I spoke clumsily that afternoon, and for that, I am very sorry.
DAVID CLARK-HAZLETT: Okay, but when you followed the comment by describing the people of the gulf as “…insignificant, slack jawed, peons who deserve nothing more than mud to wallow in.” You must have at least meant…
INDRA NOOYI: What I was trying to say was that Pepsi understands how deeply this affects the lives of people who live along the Gulf and depend on it for their livelihood.
DAVID CLARK-HAZLETT: Excuse me, but are you lying to our faces?
Meanwhile Chico “The Mad Hatter” Eastridge had a friendly discussion with our secretary Dotty.
“What do you mean Justin went to Austin Texas?”
“What I mean Mr. Hatter is that Justin has gone to Austin Texas.” Explained Dotty.
“I know, it was kind of rhetorical. But why? He owes me 500 bucks!”
“Orders from the top. Mr. Rage sent him down to rendezvous with Wild West so they could help clean up the Pepsi spill. He thought it’d improve our corporate image. Justin volunteered to go and seemed more than happy to leave.”
The Mad Hatter slammed his fist down on the table. “That rat’s just trying to squirm out of paying me back. Where’s Jim? I need to talk to him about getting down there too.”
“He’s out to lunch.” Said Dotty.
“What? But it’s 9:30am.”
“He’s been on lunch for the past three days.”
“Damn! Well tell him when he gets back that I need to use some of my vacation days.”
“You have to be working here for six months to get vacation hours.” Said Dotty in her best DMV voice.
“But I’ve been working here for years!”
“Well technically the business is run through Rage Holdings LLC now, which was founded in June.”
“Okay, whatever. I’m taking the week off.” Snarled The Mad Hatter.
“You’re supposed to give 24 hours notice.”
“Yeah? Well I’m supposed to… Hmm. Could you just pretend I said something witty and mildly badass there?” Politely asked The Mad Hatter.
“Sorry we have a 100% transparency policy about one liners.”
“Damn!” And with that The Mad Hatter went to the ready room to collect his things. The press conference continued on the TV.
INDRA NOOYI: Look people I have a very important Yacht race to get to, can we hurry it up here?
DICK WESTON: What do your superiors at The Mantron Corporation have to say about this whole mess?
INDRA NOOYI: I have no comment about that.
DICK WESTON: Aren’t the neurotoxins that are being dispersed by the EPA to break up the Pepsi the same that were involved with the Interstate Bakery Co. incident in 2004?
INDRA NOOYI: No comment.
DICK WESTON: What is Mantron hiding? What are these rumors of a secret island? The truth dammit! That’s what we’re here for!
INDRA NOOYI: I said no comment! Get him out of here!
(Shuffling, crowd noises)
DICK WESTON: You’re all in danger! We’re all in danger!
The intercom buzzed next to Dotty who was busy mixing seltzer water, cranberry juice, and various medications. The intercom buzzed again a minute later, but Dotty was doing her mid morning stretch routine. A few minutes later the office door opened and The Mad Hatter walked in looking rather disgruntled.
“I tried buzzing you.”
“Hmm, something must be wrong with it.” Explained Dotty while performing a low lunge.
“Have you seen my hat? It’s usually right next to my sledge hammer.”
“Oh, Justin borrowed it.”
“What? Why? Nevermind. I’m heading out, could you book me the next flight from Logan airport to Austin?”
“Sure thing Mr. Hatter” Lied Dotty.
The Mad Hatter walked out to his car and started it. The back end made a disconcerting squeal, but The Mad Hatter did his best to put it out of mind as he pulled out of the parking lot. An unmarked white van slowly and deliberately pulled out behind him. Inside the TV still bantered on.
SARA RAO, CBS: What do you have to say about Steven “Wild West” Winfrey coming here and, I quote “Kicking your ass?”
INDRA NOOYI: (pause) Good luck.
Dotty then changed the station to watch her soaps.
