NATIONAL LAMPOON'S:
VACTION TO DEATH VALLEY
“Holy cats! How could I be such a fool?” said the Hatter. “The brontosaurus had a large nerve cluster towards the base of the spine that served as a secondary brain! It still lives!”
“You’re right!” said Ben. “I remember that from PBS!”
“I ask that I be allowed to finish this.” said Kervin, studying the hideous creature as it rose to its feet. Plumes of flame burst from its nostrils.
“But Kervin, its suicide!” said Ben. “There’s no chance of stopping that thing! Only a fool or a hero would even attempt it!”
“Yes, but I have a good feeling about it.” said Kervin.
Carvin’ Kervin focused his chi and transformed his hand into a thing of iron. Leaping upon Peter Fury’s six-foot-ten shoulders, the duo pulled their infamous “Fast-Ball-Special,” and Kervin was hurled towards the creature. Striking with incredible speed at the beast’s sternum(remembering to keep his mouth tightly closed) and struck fast and hard, emerging through the back and severing the spinal cord, disabling the secondary brain. The monster’s eyes were lax and it crumpled to the ground, its pseudo-life finally fading. An astonished Allen handed Kervin a towel to clean up with.
The distant sound of a face-melting guitar solo could be heard softly in the distance. The battle was over and the hunters had won. Boston was saved. The Mad Hatter started laughing hysterically and executed an outstanding high-five with Zachary Kervin. It was like a sports movie, only with more blood and guts.
“Woohoo! We’re so hip!” said Jason Cage, who was starting to feel really accepted, like, y’know…he had made this connection with people. A helicopter landed nearby and a happy German Shepard jumped out to greet the triumphant hunters.
“Hey look everybody its Sport!” said The Mad Hatter. “Awww…c’mere buddy!”
And before you could say “most excellent celebration,” a most excellent celebration was had.
Man on the street interview: “The Public’s Reaction to the Zombie Dinosaur Crisis” Number Three. Interview courtesy of the Boston Globe.
Eric Todd, senior city news correspondent: Pardon me, madam, but I’m with the Boston Globe and I was wondering if you had any comments about the recent zombie outbreak?
Woman on the street: Take one last step before you die!
(scuffling noises)
Eric Todd: Help me out Ted! We’ve got a mad one!
End of interview.
As jubilation and merriment rang out across the blood-stained grounds of Allen’s Affordable Autos and Junkyard, the party-animal zombie hunters failed to notice the gathering storm clouds above them. Just as Drew had finished getting his commemorative “Kill Kill Kill” arm tattoo from Justin Famous, a bolt of emerald lightening blasted down from the angry heavens, striking the hunters. When the smoke cleared, every one of the zombie hunters had vanished.
“Good grief!” said Jason Cage. “Where’d everyone go?”
“I don’t know,” answered Allen, shaking his head sadly. “But I pray I never find out.”
“What? Why?” Replied Cage.
“I dunno. Usually people don’t listen to what I say.”
A very far way away, the swell employees of JREZHS were amazed to suddenly find themselves in Death Valley, the base of operation for the Church of Death.
“Foolish mortals! You may have destroyed our undead legion and bested the great lizard, but it is of no importance. Nothing can stop our endless conquest!” boomed the cloaked Cardinal of Death. “All-powerful death will reign supreme! Even your sun shall be extinguished!”
“Then we will rage in the shade!” shouted back Baxter Black, shaking his manly fist in the air defiantly. Everyone agreed that it was a pretty awesome spontaneous comeback.
“Brave words, worm-called-Baxter! But let us test your mettle! Behold!”
Verdant fire issued forth from the Cardinal’s skeletal fingertips and there appeared an entire foot-ball team clad in ragged uniforms. One held a severed head puffing on a foul cigar.
“Zounds! It’s Los Lagartos!” shouted the Hatter.
“That is correct maggot-called-Chico! It shall be most amusing to see you fall before their brutal blitz!”
“You ready for some football!” boomed the decapitated head rhetorically. Los Lagartos started sprinting towards them. Everyone stood agape.
And all the way in Blue Springs, Maximmortal decided that The Mad Hatter was not going to show up any time soon and resolved to visit Malibu to finally try out that new surfboard.
All supporting documents assembled by Ken Burns. If you’re interested in learning more about Thanosaurus II: Insurrection, Part 4 of the ZOMBIEAPOCALYPSE, please visit PBS.org, where you can purchase Ken Burn’s newest documentary film American Experience: Zombie Dinosaurs on DVD and VHS for $19.99. You may also be interested in The Kings of Swing: Your Favorite Swing Artists Reunite For One Great Show for $14.95. Ben is not to blame. Not at all. Anyone who says that is a liar.
