7/14/2k4 – DesperOttawo
In Canton New York they have a little saying. “Are you from CANton or CAN’Ton?” Being that they stole it from Once Upon A Time In Mexico nobody ever pays it much thought. Canton also being a pretty lame place, most people don’t really care about anything. But once you pull aside the gritt, the grime, the excess tabloid schlock, and the occasional white collar crime you’ll find one man who’s 100%, even in the depths of Canton NY.
We were pleased to find an abridged article in the most recent addition of “The Week” about our old friend and employee, Thorn Hammerfall. Thorn left us a few years back after some ruin stones told him he should become a scout master. Always one for the outdoors Mr. Hammerfall hopped on the closest reindeer and setup shop where it keeled over and died. Blue Springs lost a son and Canton gained a Viking. The native people of Canton we weary of the newcomer for their ways are wrought with superstitions, and a bunch of them had just watched the Chronicles of Riddick and were understandably shaken. Over time, however, Thorn Hammerfall managed to gain their trust by showing them how to finger knit, and because he looked like Mel Gibson.
On July 12th Augusta Canada become overrun with neurotoxic zombies after somebody decided to find out what’s inside an icepack. The country fell into chaos as news spread that something had actually happened in Canada. The prime minister called upon Zombie Terror Force to handle the situation, but they were in the middle of a very important air hockey tournament and could not be disturbed. It seemed as though the country was done for. By the time word reached the quite grove of Canton, socks had become a hot commodity as the Canadian people prepared for the worst. The Cantonese turned to Thorn Hammerfall for advice as to what should be done if the zombies made it through the border. Thorn simply asked that they have dinner ready for him by the time he got back, then proceeded to walk the 20 minutes or so to Canada. Within about half an hour he had finished off the last of the zombies with a chunk of asphalt and tied them up nicely with a finger knit rope so that they could be disposed of properly on hazardous materials day at the dump. The Ottawa Valley was safe again. He returned home to find dinner hot and ready even though it was 2 o’clock in the afternoon.
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