This news story is brought to you by India. That big country far far away that runs your computer.
Happy new year.
Aw Christ, We’re So Sorry. Please Believe us. Please? Please?
 It’s been a traumatic few days for us all at JREZHS. It's not often to you come so close to mega-super-stardom only to discover that your feature film adaptation of "Beyond Bloodshot" was nothing but trap orchestrated by a t-shirt mogul with an obnoxious nickname. Beverly Hills Chiuahua will be released in October of this year. It was once a story, it was once our story, but now it's Beverly Hill's Chiuahua, and we're not seeing one red cent from it. It’s no secret that we have always dreamed of big screen adaptation based upon our true story, and with the introduction of Jonathon “Cash” Hollywood Jr. we thought that all our years of hard work had paid off and we had at last hit the big time We were wrong.
Now we stand on the brink of economic ruin. To survive, we’ve been forced to sell off our super sleek armored jet and devote much of our website to advertisements for “Captain Cowboy Brand Famous Curry of Mumbai,” our sole remaining corporate sponsor. At this point, most of the former employees of JREZHS have cut ties with the company completely. Dirk Razor is now a full time puppeteer. Brock Ironside is the new guidance councilor for the Blue Springs Elementary School. Ben Peberdy is lost somewhere on the bottom of the Pacific Ocean.
It is at this time that we think everyone who stood by us and helped make JREZHS something great. People like you. The fans. The heroes. People like Little Joey Arbuckle of Concord, New Hampshire, who collected his allowance in an old peanut butter jar to donate to zombie-hunting efforts. People like Martha Gritt, who baked us fresh gingerbread and repairs our chainsaws. You believed in us – believed the dream of one day having our great nation free of slavering, flesh-hungry ghouls. You were our friends and our family, the people who truly kept us going. And what did we do when we thought we had a chance at mega-super-stardom? We sold out. We pushed you away,
We let you down, and we wish to humbly, deeply, and sincerely apologize for that. We failed the ones who matter the most to us, and we vow to never repeat our mistake.
We’re sorry. We mean it. Very, very sorry. For real. Sorry.
If by any chance we survive the days ahead, (Perhaps in the highly unlikely chance that we receive an enormous charitable donation from the owner of our shadowy parent corporation.) we will immediately dedicate ourselves once again to stomping out the zombie menace – and at reduced rates to celebrate the yuletide spirit. Be assured that one way or another, JREZHS will be back and better than ever! And when we return there will be a reckoning such as the world has never known! This isn’t the end!
P.S. And we all put a dollar in the Jim Rage's Elite Zombie Hunting Swear Jar for our comments in the last news item. |
