Primary Services

-Zombie Extermination:

You’ve tried the rest, now try us! Jim Rage’s Elite Zombie Hunting Squad offers the very finest in undead extermination (or “re-deading” as industry professionals call it) at a $38 hourly rate and a nominal $15 per-head extermination fee, plus fuel expenses. JREZHS has more than twenty years of experience in combating every variety of zombie* known, and has even dealt with rare cases involving reanimated extinct animals.  
Our polite, highly trained staff is equipped with a plethora of lethal weaponry; ready to venture into the most dangerous and deadly areas to destroy the zombie threat, dispose of the resulting bodies, and perform cursory site clean-up. We guarantee that our hunters will be your door within thirty-minutes after your call or guestbook signing, or you’ll get your zombies killed for absolutely free**. We also offer special deals, such our half-off Twofer-Tuesday Special or our Family Rate, where zombified relatives are exterminated at no charge.  
As of 2010, we are also offering a new Premium Plan for those living in areas of sustained zombie activity. For a $500 Total Charge, zombie hunters will make monthly visits to the site, and even bring in emergency supplies such as medical items and board-games. 
Or try our ZZZ plan. ZZZ card holders pay a $200 per year fee and are warranted three free zombie extermination a year. It can also be used to tow your car and you get plenty of great deals on zombie related items, such as 10% off on all Amtrak™ trains when fleeing a zombie invasion.

Additional Services

-Zombie-Proof Your Home:

A man’s home is his castle, but it may not be an effective doomsday bunker. If you’re concerned about the defensive capacity of your household, JREZHS will give a professional appraisal of the property; assessing its strengths and weaknesses in a hypothetical zombie attack. Upon completion of the survey, your home will be given a comprehensive Defense Score. All of this for the low price of $260. As an added feature, for an extra $19.99, you will receive a laminated Certificate of Inspection, signed by Jim Rage himself (suitable for framing).  
If you want to take it to the next level, you can purchase the JREZHS approved ProtectronTM Technology Package for $95.99. This kit is a must-have for anyone interested in staying alive and includes:

  • Four (4) twelve-foot white pine two-by-four boards
  • A box of eighty (80) galvanized steel nails
  • One (1) factory-crafted hammer

    -Fortify Your Graveyard:

Sometimes they come back, and it’s best to be prepared! At a $60 charge per gravesite, JREZHS will make sure that your cemetery is protected in the event that those interred rise from the dead. This service (not offered by any of our competitors) includes the installation of concrete grave-seals, motion detectors, hidden mines, and razor-wire fences; all while maintaining the respectful and tranquil atmosphere that every cemetery ought to have.  

-Information Seminars:

Knowledge is power, and only the powerful can survive a zombie attack. Stay informed! Learn the facts! At the JREZHS educational workshops (held bi-weekly at the Blue Springs town hall) you will spend two hours working with seasoned zombie hunting veterans and get the inside story on the terrifying undead creatures that stalk your town at night. Tickets are $10; $15 for children and seniors. Snacks and Jim Rage merchandise will be on sale in the lobby.  

-Event Hosting:

DJ Drew Parazynski and MC Mad Fresh Hatter are ready to let the good times roll at your wedding, graduation, retirement party, or birthday! We offer an enormous selection of music, from the hottest hits of today to your favorite classics.  These two put on the best show in the Upper Valley, and only for $100 an hour.

*As a new policy, Jim Rage’s Elite Zombie Hunting Squad deal exclusively in zombie infestation and due to insurance reasons will not respond to cases involving cannibals, vampires, or persons possessed by the Devil.

**”Free”, as in the royal free, as in not free.