Call of the Mild
Luring the zombie dinosaurs meant meat. Lots of meat. Meat in vast quantities. Fortunately Justin Famous, a member of the American Federation of Animal Flesh Processors, had the right connections and soon the plan was made. Borrowing Ben Parazynski’s newly repaired green Subaru Outback Legacy (AKA the War Wagon), Carvin’ Zachariah Kervin, and Mary the Mistress of Madness were to ram through zombie packs, run over rogue stragglers, and pick-up washer fluid. Sherry Anderson volunteered to visit the Pentagon to call off the missile attack, mentioning that she “had an old score to settle.” Brock Ironside and his motorcycle would go with her, to help out and look cool with his new sleeveless t-shirt.
Simultaneously, the Infamous Parazynski (blood) Brothers would join forces with The Mad Hatter and Justin Famous to head down to the Torquemada Butcher-Shop to buy several thousand pounds of meat to lure the zombies to the “Death-Trap” (otherwise known as Allen’s Affordable Autos and Junkyard). From their intelligence reports (the eyes and ears of Jim Rage’s Elite Zombie Hunting Squad are everywhere people… everywhere), The Mad Hatter had discovered that former JREZHS intern Jason Cage worked there, and he was pretty sure that he’d cut us some slack and give us some meat, especially as it was for such a good cause.
Jesus McMahon was given the collective cash of the assembled hunters (all sixty-four dollars and seventy five cents of it), and would buy as much napalm as he could. The napalm would then be used to burn those zombie dinosaurs into so much charred gristle.
There was also some guy named Eli, but he left out to buy rice and nobody saw him after that.
Arriving swiftly at the Torquemada Butcher-Shop after an unpleasant train ride during which a man listening to Purple Rain on his radio refused to turn down the volume, the Fearsome Foursome approached the great oak door and knocked five times. The slat opened to reveal eyes full of hostility and petty greed.
“Say the password.” muttered the voice behind the door. The odor of his Turkish cigarette began to waft through the opened slat. Justin Famous recited the secret Butcher’s Code and they heard the sounds of several Die-Bold brand locks being undone.
While they waited for the proprietor for the butcher-shop to let them in, Ben underwent a brief period of existential doubt.
“I’m so full of doubt guys. My psyche is a battlefield! Rye is struggling to take-over, but he’s being so nice about it! Every time he takes control he apologizes for the inconvenience and comments about how I’ve got such a nice cortex and how I know so much useful information. I want Rye alive just as much as the next guy, but we have to get him out of mind as soon as possible, or I’m going to have a breakdown or something.” said Ben.
“Keep fighting him!” said Drew. “We’ll sort that mess out later once we’ve saved the world.”
“I’m not sure that there’s anything left of me! Don’t let these shakes go on! It’s time we had a break from it.” said Ben.
“Are you quoting something?” asked The Mad Hatter.
It was at that very instant that the door opened and our super-radical heroes were able to step inside. Justin Famous was immediately taken aback.
“Oh wow, somebody can’t slice worth a damn around here. Look at that ham! It’s all ripped up! People want smooth cuts! Smooth!” Famous grabbed a sizable knife and began twirling it around rhythmically in his hands. “You see, taste isn’t the only issue here, there’s also a matter of texture which is just as, if not more so, important.” Famous then proceed to demonstrate exactly why he was famous, and unleashed his butcher’s wrath upon a large Genoa salami. Within seconds, the salami had been reduced to thin slices, perfect for sandwiches. Everyone was really impressed.
Cage was easy to find, sweeping up entrails behind the deli counter. He was not pleased to see the zombie hunters, and whined incessantly about various minor slights and insults he had experienced while working at JREZHS. He became quite hostile after The Mad Hatter pointed out section twenty-five in his contract (a copy of which Ben had had the foresight to bring along) that clearly stated that once employed by JREZHS, no one could deny fellow co-workers favors. Cage’s mood mostly changed after a highly succinct proposal made by Justin Famous and Justin Famous’ large knife. Cage agreed to give the hunters the meat they needed, free of charge. However their troubles were not finished. Cage utterly refused to help them out when it came to transporting the meat.
***
Taken from the personal Sony tape recorder of Benjamin Parazynski
THE MAD HATTER: We need your help.
JASON CAGE: I told you guys that I don’t work for JREZHS anymore! I quit last year.
THE MAD HATTER: Sweet Christmas, Cage! I don’t have time for your irrationality! You have to let us use the van!
DREW “THE TOUGH NOUN” PARAZYNSKI: Hey are you recording this Ben?
BEN “BLOOD-SCORN” PARAZYNSKI: Well yeah.
DREW “THE TOUGH NOUN” PARAZYNSKI: Aw cut that out. That creeps the hell out of me!
JASON CAGE: We’re being recorded?
THE MAD HATTER: Jason, just let us use the van now. Now!
DREW “THE TOUGH NOUN” PARAZYNSKI: That’s so annoying. Turn it off!
JASON CAGE: Is that a tape-recorder?
THE MAD HATTER: Jason, give us the van. Give it to us. Give us the van.
BEN “BLOOD-SCORN” PARAZYNSKI: How else I am gonna’ remember everything?
DREW “THE TOUGH NOUN” PARAZYNSKI: Let me have it.
BEN “BLOOD-SCORN” PARAZYNSKI: No!
JASON CAGE: Hey that’s a cool coat Ben.
JUSTIN FAMOUS: Does the owner of this Diet Coke mind if I have a sip?
DREW “THE TOUGH NOUN” PARAZYNSKI: Ben this isn’t funny. Stop recording!
BEN “PAUL” PARAZYNSKI: Hey! Hey! Stop that!
THE MAD HATTER: Okay dig this Jason…your truck. Can we borrow your truck? We’ll take really, really good care of it.
JASON CAGE: I don’t know Chico, I just got the brakes fixed…
DREW “THE TOUGH NOUN” PARAZYNSKI: Gimme the tape-recorder!
BEN “LORD OF THE OCEAN” PARAZYNSKI: For ‘chrissake Drew!
JASON CAGE: Guys, I’m really going to have to –
End of recording.
It seemed all their efforts had come to naught. Cage only became more and more frustrated and finally tore off his paper hat.
“Well as you crawl the sewer pipes, you can remember me and how you guys were mean all the time. You oughta’ think long and hard about that, and maybe next time you need help from somebody they’ll give it to you!” Cage finished with a self-righteous smile, which proceeded to annoy everyone
“Please Jason,” said Ben. “We’re really sorry.”
“Look,” said Cage, “nothing doing guys. Imminent nuclear doom or not, I’ve got a job to do. Now, if you’ll excuse me…” Cage turned away from our awesome heroes, and nonchalantly grabbed his can of Diet Coke.
“Jason,” said Drew, grabbing Cage by the shirt-collars and shoving him against the wall. “This is no time be drinking diet Coca-Cola! Boston is about to be a radioactive crater in a matter of hours and everybody will die in the ensuing atomic holocaust, assuming they haven’t already had their brains eaten by zombie dinosaurs!”
Suddenly the Star-Spangled Banner started to play in the distance.
“I mean, sure, Boston’s got its crummy parts. But every city does! I mean, that’s unavoidable. Sure, the drivers are homicidal and the roads have the same layout as a rat-maze. Sure, there’s crime and chaos, and blood on the sidewalks. Sure everyone is a complete jerk and there are almost no redeaming features. But you know something? Boston Cream Pie was invented here. And… that… that’s just so damn tasty. They’ve got Kaiju Big Battel here, which most probably earns the coveted title of Best Thing Ever. Hell, the Constitution was practically invented in Boston! I mean, the Constitution’s way sweet!” The Star-Spangled Banner reached its crescendo. The Mad Hatter removed his top hat and began humming along with Ben. Justin Famous began beating his kettle drum rhythmically.
“Let’s face it, Boston is pretty neat place. I’m not going to sit back and let those zombies take it. The zombies… They attack, and we retreat… They take our lives and our land, and we pull back! Well no more! The line is drawn now! That line is here! I refuse to let this place get destroyed! Maybe we denigrated you a lot back then. Maybe we never promoted you and maybe we put stupid signs on your back and laughed at how you could never pronounce the word “burglary” or “binoculars.” But we need you Jason! We need you! ARE YOU WITH ME JASON?!”
Suddenly the air was filled with the odor of warm American Apple pie, and a baseball game could be heard in the distance, accompanied with the reassuring voice of Harry Truman.
A single tear dribbled down the face of Jason Cage
“Okay…” he said. “I’ll help you guys. Meet me around back. Let’s load up the van and kill some zombies!”
“JASON LIVES!” Shouted Drew.
“Mmm-hmm!” said The Mad Hatter, nodding emphatically.
“Oh boy! Way to go Jason! We knew we could count on you!” said Ben, who subsequently gagged, choked himself with his own tie, for a split second looked a lot like Joe Justice (hero of Bradford Vermont), and went off to get a glass of water. Moments later Cage cleared his throat, and Drew realized that he was still holding him up by his shirt-collars and released him. Cage drove the van around back and the group hurriedly began to fill it with hunks of dead animals, chopped into manageable pieces by Justin Famous, who was having a great time.
“Wait,” said Cage abruptly, a whole turkey impaled upon his pitchfork. “You said that H.Q. was destroyed?”
“Right,” said The Mad Hatter, using a shovel to load brisket into the van.
“So everything was burned up in the explosion?” asked Cage apprehensively.
“Unfortunately yes. Basically everything.” replied The Mad Hatter.
An alarmed look erupted across Cage’s face. “You didn’t happen to find a Barry Manilow album did you?” he asked, sweat beading up upon his brow. There ensued an awkward silence. Ben vaguely remembered tossing it to the dogs.
“Ah…no. No we didn’t. Sorry.” said Ben quickly. It was best not to dwell upon the past. Days later Ben would wonder where Justin got a kettle drum, but would never remember to ask him about it.
