Frank Gritt's Day Off
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Our employees hard at work |
This is how the big case went down:
The space heater (permanently set on "Lo") struggled to warm the Jim Rage Office of Excellence. Rye Crofter watched intently as two puppets gleefully reacted Wagner’s “Ring Cycle”. It was Wednesday, which meant our elderly
volunteer Dirk Razor was on premises. Usually he only takes his puppet show out on Thursday afternoons when he volunteers at the Blue Springs’ Unitarian Church community room, but seeing that it was a slow day he decided to bust it loose a little early.
Meanwhile, Justin Cendiary was pouring out his feelings for Holly Hellyeah in a letter, but unfortunately his new personality of Justin Coherent had taken over, and the thing was basically illegible. Still, it had a lot of heart.
“Score!” Yelled Joneaux Thomas as he ran around the room celebrating a point he’d made in paper football against Ben Parazynski. Joneaux had been going through an intense exercise routine lately where he wasn’t allowed to eat or drink, and thus he suffered a heat stroke shortly after his celebration. Ben Parazynski, who was unaware he’d been playing paper football, checked the classifieds for job opportunities that match his skill sets. He found none.
Hanz Irontheighs was biting the head off a chicken, claiming it was a long-standing German tradition. The others remained skeptical.
Baxter Black dropped another stack of papers in front of our plucky intern Jason Cage. Jason was furiously organizing various documents in a system that was so complex and efficient that only he would ever understand it. The order of the paper didn’t actually matter however since we were planning on throwing them in the burn pile shortly after Jason was done as kind of a practical joke.
Mary the Mistress of Madness, sleeping off the recent wisdom-tooth surgery, had a sudden premonition of her own death at the hands of some kind of horrendous demonic force from another universe, and thanked her lucky stars that it was only a dream and could never happen in real life. She then tore out her own eyeballs, because she's crazy.
Zachary “Carvin” Kervin carefully trimmed his bonsai tree while discussing maritime laws with Drew Parazynski and Alice Thompson. While returning from Mexico they may or may not have rammed an oil tanker into the city of Boston. It’s for a jury of their peers (no pun intended) to decide whether they really did or not.
Frank Gritt and the company dog, “Tortilla”, sat on the front porch taking in the cold winter air, with disinterest in most everything. An almost imperceptible smile crept up Frank’s jowls as a lone figure strode down the driveway. Jim Rage had been away in Haiti for many months tracking down the mad Hundun, “Papa Claw”. Frank Gritt stood up to greet him and they exchanged looks that only the oldest of friends understand.
“Jesus Christ!” exclaimed Jim Rage as he entered the office. “Since when do we have so many employees?” A shocked silence fell over the room.
“Why aren’t you all out working?” A shocked silence continued to fill the room. “Well?” asked Jim Rage with a disappointed tone.
“It’s been kinda slow around here.” muttered Baxter Black.
“Well, then you people should be on the phone or out in the streets making business to business relations.”
Drew chimed in. “It’s been hard for us to get around lately. The Van’s in the shop, the Subaru we inherited from Eric “Deathwish” Chabot was crushed into a cube due to a mountain of unpaid parking tickets, the other Subaru is encased in a block of ice in the Arctic circle, we don’t have a helicopter pilot, it’s unclear whether we ever even owned a helicopter, and we’re all still waiting for our armored motorcycles you promised us.”
“I told you there’s a time and place to talk about the armored motorcycles, but it’s not here nor now, nor ever.” said an unusually talkative Jim Rage. “I know it’s winter, but there are still good contracts out there for us to snag, you should all know that. Have you even been having morning meetings?”
“We figured that since you stopped coming to them we weren’t having them anymore.” answered Ben Parazyski. A single tear dropped from Rye’s face as the tension in the room became too much for him to handle.
“I haven’t be going to morning meetings because I’ve been doing relief work in Haiti for the past year now. Come on people, that’s why I had the long distance intercom installed…” Jim Rage stopped and looked to the place where the intercom used to be. Despite the fact that the man’s last name is “Rage”, it is hard to describe the anger that consumed the face our company's namesake as he realized how mismanaged his company had been in his absence. Luckily a delightful “Nay!” was heard from outside.
Chico “The Mad Hatter” Suavé dismounted a horse and gave it some grain. Jim Rage came outside now incapable of speech. Unaware of the current situation, The Mad Hatter explained in detail why he had a horse with him.
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The Danger Van in a sorry state |
“His name’s Norman. He’s a Morgan horse, which is Vermont’s state animal. I took the van down to Tom’s Garage and Tom said that everything was wrong with the van and that it would’ve cost an unreasonable amount of money to get it to pass inspection. So I sold it to him for scrap and bought Norman here for a great price. Here’s my scheme. Ms. McQueen down the rode runs a horse tack. I say we use this horse to steal more horses and eventually we’ll have enough horses to match the horse power of even the Jim Rage Jet. God rest its soul.”
“What happened to the jet?” said Jim Rage through gritted teeth. For not even one tenth of a second, faster than lightning striking the ground, in the most minute span of time you could ever possibly imagine, Jim Rage flashed the evil eye; hair’s stood on end, Jason Cage resigned his internship, the milk in the fridge curdled, and Norman the Morgan dropped dead.
Since our little “misunderstanding” with Jim Rage, the company has gone through a little restructuring to optimize business. Ben Parazynski and Drew Parazynski (no relation) have been sent to Lake Champlain region; Ben being sent into Burlington, more commonly known as “Hell’s Nest”. The Mad Hatter, Mary the Mistress of Madness (no relation), and Justin Cendiary have been sent to Boston where they will hopefully learn about sports and become great assets during trivia nights. Hanz Irontheighs has gone to Canada to improve relations internationally and to infiltrate Canada’s misled group of zombie hunters know as “Zombie Terror Force”. Rick Ironside is also taking a trip to Canada to get himself a cheap education and will probably be helping out now and again to get himself some spending cash so he can throw lame parties in his dorm room. Joneaux is being sent to Maine all by himself to think about what he’s done.
How will our employees adapt to being sent to places they don’t want to go? How will society react to these displaced zombie hunters? Will mankind ever learn to love? Watch this site to find out who takes the fall!
