Having spent a thrilling election year gripped to the every syllable of a passing news anchor, the people of the United States of America needed a year to “veg out”. It’s no surprise “So You Think You Can Dance” swept the nation and Peter Jennings dropped dead. Regardless to say nobody paid much attention to us. By the end of the first quarter calls were down 13% from their projected margins and 16% from previous years. It seemed as though low expectations were too optimistic. In attempt to regain market share we launched our “Be Aware! Beware!” campaign, which initiated “Zombie Awareness week”. Said week was supposed to start on Sunday the 17th of July and go until the following Saturday, but a printing error on our bumper stickers made it start on Thursday the 7th. Nobody came out for our big zombie safety backyard BBQ even though KISS was there. Excuses ranged from “well you know, I got wake up in the morning…” to “KISS is still around?” Since Zombie Awareness week came earlier then expected we didn’t really have anything else planned for the following six days. We do however have a large reusable stock of zombie awareness week bumper stickers that insure we’ll certainly be ready to celebrate it in years to come on the 7th of July.
            The presidential elections were over but apparently the “biggest jerk campaign” was just getting started. Our nomination is going to have to go to evil doer and bi-plane aficionado “The Baron”, whom Ben Parazynski first encountered in Post Mills Vermont. While performing a run of the mill “fill in a grave with concrete so the damn things can’t get out” job, Ben was jumped by a rather large caped villain. A battle ensued for sometime until The Baron answered his cell phone right in the middle of the fight. I mean he didn’t even say “Excuse me.” or anything, just picked it up and did that thing where you cover your non phoned ear so that there’s no way your attention can be averted from the voice on the line. What a dick! And get this. Afterwards he started leaving nasty messages on our guestbook (most of which we didn’t understand because they were written in leet).
            After about a year of searching we’ve managed to almost track down our super-sleek-future-tech-jet. It’s probably in Bosnia. After being impounded last year by the Irish it was eventually auctioned off to people the auctioneer said “sounded like they had a Bosnian accent, or Greek, or I dunno, I’m busy.” As soon as we find the number for the Bosnian Air “Force” we’ll be certain to find out if it’s there or not. They probably don’t even have access to jet fuel so what good could it do them anyways?
            Back in the US and without a jet, the always resourceful, Alice Thompson booked a flight to Mexico to track down Zachary “Carvin” Kervin and the zombie dinosaur he encountered last year. Accompanying her was toad-licking-yes-man Benji on his first “sure fire way to get killed mission”. After two weeks and no word from Alice we figured that terrible t-rex had got them, so we sent Drew Parazynski. We figured he’d been alive 33 years and hadn’t been killed yet, the odds were in his favor. We were right! After his flight was attacked en-route to Mexico by none other than The Baron, Drew was nothing more than a few shady contacts, Aztec mummies, some grenade launchers, and a cursed Jade skull being used for deviant purposes by_ a close runner up for biggest jerk and executive director of the EPA_ (Mr. Nighttime), away from recovering our lost employees. Unfortunately Benji didn’t make it. Our blessing and a 25% off coupon to Applebee’s™ go out to his family. Drew, Zach, and Alice borrowed an oil tanker to get home. Pulling over to ask for directions they accidentally crashed it into the Boston harbor. Well not really the harbor per say, but more so Boston itself. Drew “apologized” to the right people and apparently “It’s no big deal”.
            After selling off some ancient Aztec artifacts we are proud to announce that the 2005 fiscal year was Jim Rage’s Elite Zombie Hunting Squad’s first profitable year! To celebrate we’re downsizing! That is we’re decreasing the Blue Spring staff and opening up location in Portland Maine, Burlington Vermont, Boston Massachusetts, and somewhere in Texas. Seriously though if they don’t make money some people are going to get fired. See you in 2006!

RE-DEAD THE UN-DEAD!