UPDATEMeet Your Maker!¡!
We like to keep you loyal Ragers up to date about our most exciting cases and regale
you with our stories of hunting zombies. However, we thought it might be interesting to
show you all the real, nitty-gritty, behind-the-scenes activities that happen every day at
a business like Jim Rage’s Elite Zombie Hunting Squadron. So, featured here are the
minutes from our latest employee gathering.
JIM RAGE’S ELITE ZOMBIE HUNTING STAFF MEETING MINUTES
November 5th, 2010.
Present: Dotty San Quentin, Hashim Hassanzadeh, Benjamin Parazynski, Andrew
Parazynski, Peter Fury, Baxter Black, Smokey Bellicose.
_____________________________________________________________________
HASHIM HASSANZADEH:
Okay, let’s begin here. It’s November 5th 2010—
BEN “Bloodscorn” PARAZYNSKI:
Are we starting?
HASHIM HASSENZADEH:
Yes. So, it’s 10:00 AM, November 5th, 2010 and this weekly staff meeting has been called
to order. Leading this meeting is myself, Hashim Hassanzadeh, as Jim said he...uh…he
said he didn’t want to do it... So. Look’s like I’m doing it now. Recording the minutes is
Dotty.
DOTTY SAN QUENTIN:
That’s me!
HASHIM HASSENZADEH:
Yep. Lemme’ just call out everyone’s name to make sure you’re all present and
accounted for…okay, so Ben?
BEN PARAZYNSKI:
You know I’m here.
HASHIM HASSENZADEH:
Ben’s here, moving on. Baxter?
BAXTER BLACK:
I’m right in front of you.
HASHIM HASSENZADEH:
Guys, it’s for the minutes of the meeting, all right? It’s important to record who was here
and who was missing. So…Baxter…is…here…okay…um, Peter?
PETER “LETHAL WEAPON 2” FURY:
Hi Hashim!
HASHIM HASSENZADEH:
Right. Drew?
DREW “THE TOUGH NOUN” PARAZYNSKI:
You better believe it!
HASHIM HASSENZADEH:
Okay…Frank’s gone into town so he’s out…Justin’s missing…Smokey?
SMOKEY BELLICOSE:
Yeah! Yeah I’m here, man. Don’t you worry. I ‘aint run away or nothing. I’m a man. I
stand up and fight. I ‘aint leaving. Nobody’s gonna’ make me leave! None of you! Don’t
be like I don’t know what you’re all thinking. You all think I’m a bum, but I’m, like, a
doctor! Without me, you guys would all be dead! Dead! You hearin’ me, Hashim? You
hearin’ me guys? Don’t look at me like that! Let go of me!
--------------------------Meeting temporality adjourned------------------------------------
HASHIM HASSENZADEH:
So, it’s now 11:14 AM. I think basically nearly everybody’s here.
BEN PARAZYNSKI:
When’s lunch?
HASHIM HASSENZADEH:
I just want to get this meeting over with, okay? Okay, so…the first item I have here is
that Justin Cendiary is still AWOL. I don’t know if you guys have heard anything? No?
Okay, well I’m sure he’ll turn up. I guess you all know that Chico went out to find him.
I noticed early today that he never clocked out, so that really screwed up everything. I
think his last paycheck for four thousand dollars. So, just a reminder: remember to clock
out when you’re finished working. That way I don’t have to go back and reset everything.
Baxter, don’t smoke in here.
BAXTER BLACK:
I’ll open the window.
HASHIM HASSENZADEH:
No! Dude! Just don’t smoke in here! This is the office!
BAXTER BLACK:
Okay. But I want the record to show that I am very upset.
HASHIM HASSENZADEH:
….secondly, I have a little note here from Jim reminding everyone to be aware of falling
snow. He says that as things are starting to thaw it’s going to start sliding off the roof,
so be mindful of that. I also have a note from Mr. Leland, the landlord. He says that
he’s still finding trash in the hallways. We have to work on this, guys. Use a trashcan.
Okay, so that’s all squared away. Now, I guess if everybody could report on their latest
cases…Drew, you want to start?
DREW PARAZYNSKI:
Well, on Wednesday I was called out to Wilder because of some reports of hellfire and
demonic activity. The usual: blood coming out of people’s faucets, strange noises, dogs
attacking their masters. I go into town to check things out and boom! Right there: portal
to hell!
PETER FURY:
Whoa!
DREW PARAZYNSKI:
Now, my cell wasn’t working…probably because of the hell portal, so I couldn’t call for
backup. I was really in the weeds. Screaming, ferocious undead fiends everywhere.
HASHIM HASSENZADEH:
So…so what did you do?
DREW PARAZYNSKI:
Well, I killed a bunch’ve of them with ol’ Painless here, but Wilder is pretty much toast.
I encouraged the client to move to a nicer community and I put up lots of warning signs
and hazard tape around the roads. The place ought to be condemned. We ought to see a
check from them real soon.
HASHIM HASSENZADEH:
Great. Peter, what’s new on your end?
PETER FURY:
Well, I finally fixed the wheel bearing in the Forester, but the truck is in rough shape.
The frame’s rusted out. I can do some spot welding here and there to patch it up, but I’m
worried it’s just going to crack. Um… let’s see….not too many zombies. I did get a nasty
letter from the Harassing Agents.
BEN PARAZYNSKI:
Oh damn…
DREW PARAZYNSKI:
Not those guys again!
PETER FURY:
It was pretty short this time. Cover your ears, Dotty. I don’t want you hearing this.
BEN PARAZYNSKI:
That’s filthy!
PETER FURY:
Sorry to have to share that, but I figured I’d better let everybody know.
HASHIM HASSANZADEH:
Geeze…okay, Baxter. Do you have anything to report?
BAXTER BLACK:
Nope. I’ve been training for the whole week.
HASHIM HASSENZADEH:
What are you training for?
BAXTER BLACK:
I have to maintain my toughness. I don’t want to go soft.
PETER FURY:
I made you a work-out mixtape by the way.
HASHIM HASSENZADEH:
So, does anyone have anything that they’d like to bring up? Any thoughts or comments?
DOTTY SAN QUENTIN:
Yeah, I have a suggestion!
HASHIM HASSENZADEH:
Shoot.
DOTTY SAN QUENTIN:
Bread!
HASHIM HASSENZADEH:
What?
DOTTY SAN QUENTIN:
The other day, I think it was Monday, I was at the 24 hour Price Chopper getting
groceries at night because I don’t like to go when it’s really crowded, y’know? At the
bakery they had these teeny pieces of like, raisin-walnut bread and then one, was like,
just rye or something. And they had butter and cream-cheese too! So I was thinking that
we should have bread too!
HASHIM HASSENZADEH:
Wait…so….wait, what? What are you talking about?
DREW PARAZYNSKI:
No, I think I see what she’s saying. Like samples on a plate right?
DOTTY SAN QUENTIN:
Yeah! We should have that!
BEN PARAZYNSKI:
Enh. I’m okay with that.
PETER FURY:
Good thinking Dotty! I like a good piece of bread now and again!
BEN PARAZYNSKI:
I’m going to get lunch now.
HASHIM HASSENZADEH:
Dotty, you can probably edit out of lot of this stuff. Most of what was said today doesn’t
really merit recording.
DOTTY SAN QUENTIN:
Got it!
