Jim Rage's Elite Zombie Hunting Squad official infomercial

"One Tuesday Morning"

Radio voice
Ned the next-door neighbor/victim
Hank Thrasher, elite zombie hunter

Notes: its important that all the emotions (fear, concern, anger)
expressed by David and Julia are very obviously being forced.


David and Julia, both in bathrobes, are having their morning breakfast
of cereal, orange juice, and half a grapefruit each. Their kitchen is
spotless and incredibly "perfect" looking. David reads the paper.
Suddenly they hear an announcement on the radio.

Are we still on?...alright. If you just tuned in, we're reporting an
emergency in the entire Fog Valley region. As incredible as it may
sound, dead bodies...that's right, the corpses of the recently dead, are
coming back to life. They come back and immediately murder and devour
living people. Police warn everyone to remain indoors until this zombie
plague is over.

David furrows his brow and gives a look of astonishment. Julia nervously
puts her arms around him.

Gosh...a zombie plague, Julia.

Oh David...I'm so frightened.

Suddenly, a horrible scream is heard. David and Julia gasp at the same
time, simultaneously whirling their heads around, they head to the
window. Outside, on the front yard, they see Ned, the next door neighbor
on the ground. Over him is a zombie (dark rings under eyes, shaggy hair)
is feverishly eating him. The zombie's movements should an
over-exaggerated mimic of the "infected" from 28 Days Later; jerky,
abrupt motions- lots of licking of lips. There is an obscene amount of

Good lord! It's Ned, our next door neighbor! He's dead!

Oh David! That thing's going to eat us alive and tear out our innards
and suck the marrow from our bones! Our deaths are imminent! What are we
going to DOOOOOO?

Don't worry honey!

David heroically leaps over to the phonebook and begins desperately
flipping through it. Cue theme music from Speed. Extreme close up of his
face, beads of sweat on the brow, his eyes scanning the pages. He
reaches the Z section in the yellow pages. His finger moves down the page.

Close up of his face, looking hopeful.

Zombie hunters...Jim Rage's Elite Zombie Hunters! Maybe they can help.

David frantically dials the phone.

Cut to Julia standing in shock by the window. More and more blood
splatters on the glass. David runs up to her.

They'll be right over!

Shot of a car screaming into a drive way. Inside the house David, now
fully dressed, and wearing glasses, goes to open the door, but it is
kicked open by Duke Thrasher, elite zombie hunter.

Thank goodness you're here!

Name's Hank Thrasher. Now what seems to be the problem?

Hank, David and Julia go to the window. Duke nods stoically.

I'll get 'em.

Duke grabs a collection of brutal weaponry and heads outside. David and
Julia watch from the window. Sounds of battle are heard.

Cut to Duke returning through the front door. He appears to be rather
beat up, and is covered in blood. He removes a pure white handkerchief
from his pocket and dabs his brow.

All set.

DAVID AND JULIA (look directly at camera)
Our hero!

Narration begins. Sounds vaguely like voice from the John Kerry ads.

Yes, Jim Rage's Elite Zombie Hunting Squad. If you've got a problem with
the undead menace

As the narration go on it is accompanied by a montage sequence described

Our elite zombie hunters are trained to deal even the most difficult
zombie infestations.

Close-up shot of Duke Thrasher wrestling with a zombie.

To ensure your safety in future outbreaks, we can assess your home to
see if its fortified to hold off the living dead. And we can modify
your home to have greater protection- free of charge.

Shot of Hank, David, and Julia in the basement. Duke, still covered in
gore, holds a clipboard and pen while inspecting the basement ceiling.
He and David are talking continuously, with thoughtful looks and happily
surprised arching of eyebrows. Hank shows David and Julia something in
the ceiling, jabbing it with his pen.

And we give sage advice, so you'll be fully prepared the next time some
brain-hungry reanimated corpse comes by.

Shot of Duke, David, and Julia sitting at the table over coffee. Hank
has just finished giving them some great information.

JULIA (totally fake amazement)
Wow! I never knew that!

We're definitely going to be ready next time!

Jim Rage's Elite Zombie Hunting Squad. Quality service, competitive
rates, and help you can depend on.

Shot of Duke loading bodies into the truck. He quickly pulls away. Shot
of David and Julia, David with his arm around Julia, waving goodbye.

Thanks Jim!

The End
And that's it.