A Very Special Letter to Jim Rage

Hey how are you. Im Tim and I jus recently saw your website and I know
this is crazy to ask but Zombies actually do exist? Because Ive always
had sum kind of eye for certain supernatural things but ive always
wondered if zombies are the doing of our own government? Im just kinda
confused here. Im not doubting you or anything but in fact Im believen
this. But how come the world hasnt heard of any reports as far as tv
goes? And what make me believe this whole thing is wen I looked up the
legends of the baykok cause tht was a story Ive always heard of an Ive
believed that creature to exist cause ima native american so Ive heard
those stories an that really made sense out of your page. I hate to
hit you with all these questions but your page is the realist thing
Ive seen as far as info on zombies. But please hit me back wen you get
the chance. Thanks

Tim Copeland

Hi Tim,

Thank you for your letter! As a professional scientist and as a professional bluegrass performer, I'd be as pleased as pie to answer some of your questions about zombies. If you'll permit me to make an observation, your self-styled, in-your-face grammar suggests that you're in a deeply confused state right now - but don't you worry! Confusion is a natural byproduct of our hectic, fast-paced modern society. What with the iPods and the Youtubes and the information superhighways, it's mighty easy to get a little confused now and again, and it's nothing be ashamed of. Heck, my fragile grip on reality has been pushed to the breaking point more than once, but with the aid of calm, rational discussion and powerful anti-psychotics, I'm as right as rain once again.

So here's the skinny, sahib: Jim Rage's Elite Zombie Hunting Squad is what those eggheads at the universities typically call "fake" or "phony" - or possibly "falso," which is Mexican for "fake." The website is the insidious creation of a bunch of upstart nogoodniks, carefully designed to prey upon the minds of impressionable young persons such as yourself who traditionally have difficulty telling the difference between the internet and reality. It is nothing less than a PACK OF LIES built to forward the agenda of a self-serving organization of DOPE FIENDS and THIEVES who hate freedom and proofreading in equal measure. As it happens, zombie dinosaurs never actually attacked Boston and Senator Mitt Romney isn't actually a brain-controlled puppet of dangerous necro-creatures from another dimension - but it would be EASY to assume otherwise if you had read the so-called "news" items published by these bastards!!

Tim, I'm afraid you've been cruelly mislead, as have we all. But now, at long last, our long national nightmare is over and the healing can begin.

My heart is with you, my friend.

Drew Parazynski, Esq.