BORN: May 14th 1986 In the months leading up to “The Zombie Apocalypse” Boston had become increasingly susceptible to undead uprisings. Our fledgling Boston branch was in disarray because the local authorities had mistaken our office for a bomb and with it our means of transportation, awesome decorations, and modes of communication. To make matters worse nobody had managed to get a grasp on the layout of the city or how to navigate it properly. Zombies were dealt with, very much so on a word of mouth basis. When a massive zombie march began it was hours before any of us were able to respond. Once again Boston had become an orgy of brain eating madness. It was at this time that local Best Buy™ employee of the month Maxximmortal Maximus Maxillae rose to the occasion. Taking his lunch brake and dawning his rollerblades, he cut a bloody swath through the zombie mass in no time at all. Having an excellent mental map of the city he was able to guide us with ease from location to location via a complicated series of hand gestures that we formulated on the spot. A system like this being necessary for Maxximmortal is never without his gas mask, which makes it completely impossible to understand what he’s saying. Having been thrown into a nuclear cooling tower at a young age by pirates, or possibly bullies with funny hats, Maxximmortal has been forced to go his life trapped inside a containment suit, not for his safety, but for ours. His only friends during his solitary years in radioactive confinement were various do-it-yourself handyman books. Although they made for terrible conversation and they were even worse at chess, they did provide Mr. Maxillae with a strong head for doing just about anything, all by himself. Maxximmortal is now our lone Boston employee because local legislation has banned us from ever showing our faces in Boston again. The police don’t have a rollerblade unit, however, so let’s just see them try and stop the manmade loophole known as Maxximortal. Late at night you might hear him gently gliding down a street in your neighborhood, katana in one hand, MIG welder in the other, listening to the sweet soft tune of Eurobeat, and keeping you safe. Should you ever be lucky enough to be invited into his residence you are sure to be presented with a plate of his world famous honey BBQ chicken wings and a beverage of your choice (although that choice may be milk or water). Be sure to compliment him on the pleasant mahogany smell of his cozy home and be careful when handling his leather bound book collection. Follow these rules and you’ll not only make it out alive, you’ll make it out with a smile upon your face. God bless you Maxximmortal! Wherever you may be sneezing.
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MAXXIMMORTAL
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