JONEAUX RAINBOW-WILDCAT THOMAS

BORN: Feb 12th 1984
HEIGHT: 6’ 5”
WEIGHT: 191 lbs  HOMETOWN: Blue Springs, VT 
HIRED: 6/18/2003 
WEAPON OF CHOICE: Wakizashi, martial arts (Hate-Plow expert), lightning
SKILLS: Commando tactician, medical skills, archery
HOBBIES: Ice-skating, professional modeling, fashion design, venture capitalism 

      Joneaux Thomas was born to hippy parents and grew up lame. He was a pushover. A weakling. A sissy. When he was a mere boy, he would deliver papers to the JREZHS corporate headquarters and would always hang around the office, begging to be brought along on missions. Killing zombies is a man’s job, and is not for wimps who order their burgers well-done and drink decaffeinated coffee and wear shirts with little alligators on them! We told him straight: he just didn’t have what it took.

      But the kid had moxie. He buckled down. He fought back. As soon as he was old enough, Thomas joined up with our Jim Rage Helps America youth outreach program. Ostensibly a program for at-risk youths, it also gave JREZHS a steady supply of disposable Toad-Eating Yes Men to serve as human bait in particularly dangerous zombie hunting operations. While the others died horrible, horrible deaths, Thomas maintained a positive attitude and learned to conceal himself in the underbrush. His initiative earned him the attention of Baxter Black, who put Joneaux through a rigorous multi-part training course designed to transform this lump of a human being into a rock-crushing tough guy.

      Once Thomas had learned the secrets of killing people, he was allowed to join JREZHS as one of our Incredible Infantry (at a starting pay of $4.35 per hour plus tips). He was frequently partnered with Joe “Cuthead” Deffner, an older and more experienced zombie hunter with a fondness for Peter Gabriel. The brash and impulsive Thomas couldn’t be more different from the strictly-professional Deffner, but despite initial clashes the two eventually bonded. He was deeply saddened when Deffner died in the streets of Bradford and did a rendition of Solsbury Hill at the funeral. The newspapers called the performance “very earnest.”

      Over the next few years Thomas matured into seasoned zombie killing veteran, personally tearing out the heart of a hideous 93-year-old zombie woman with a pair of garden shears. Years of grueling combat with the undead had given Thomas he-man good looks, and accordingly he entered the world of professional modeling in 2005. Thomas parlayed this success into further business ventures, including the release of his own stylish brand of form-fitting athletic wear. Briefly, Joneauxmania swept across the globe, but then he went bankrupt due to poor investments and gambling debts. He remains wildly popular in Japan and still does the odd photo-shoot.

      Thomas doesn’t let his washed-up-celebrity status get in the way of the real things in life: killing zombies. He stalks through the forests of Vermont in his camouflaged Ford Taurus, his stern visage smeared with black face-paint. On the weekends, when not out in the field killing zombies, Thomas continues to train for 2010 Winter Olympics, headlining his special team The Go-Getters. They’re not that good, but their hearts are in the right place and they’re no quitters. Thomas has reported that the “chances are good” that they’ll get the gold.  

      Update: We are sad to announce that they did not get the gold.