BORN: Pago Pago, American Samoa
HEIGHT: 6’ 5”
WEIGHT: 230 lbs
BASE OF OPERATIONS: The Law Offices of Blake, Ortega and Ortega - Washington D.C
HIRED: 3/14/2009
WEAPON OF CHOICE: The Law
FAVORITE OBSCURE LEGAL CLAUSE: As Phillips vs. Mantango (1972) clearly demonstrates, ambulatory fungoid life forms are prohibited from careers in the food service industry. That is an undisputed fact.
At JREZHS, we are very proud to retain the counsel of Indigo Blake, America’s premier Action Attorney. A specialist in cases defined to by the American Bar Association to be “too fuck**g crazee loco x-treme” for mainstream legal professionals, Blake has aided our company immeasurably since we first hired the services of his law office in the spring of 2009. Gifted with an extraordinary knowledge of the law and a phenomenal talent for debate, Blake has assisted our company through a turbulent period of growth and development, in addition to defending us against frivolous lawsuits from the federal government, the EPA, the PTA, the Atomic Energy Commission, and the Toronto Maple Leafs. Along with being a courtroom genius, Blake is also something of a renaissance man whose hobbies include spoken word performance and amateur theater. Although a bit of a ham, Blake will settle the hash of any meatball with a beef against us. In short - he brings home the bacon.
Indigo Blake has been practicing law for nearly three decades. He graduated maxima cum laude from Harvard Law School in 1982, possessing a cumulative GPA of 4.272, a mathematical impossibility that resulted in the institutionalization of several tenured law professors. Blake proceed to open a private law practice, immediately earning fame and notoriety during Miller vs. Peterson when the prosecuting attorney broke down and wept in mid-argument, shrieking over and over again, “I can’t stop him - he’s too powerful,” before finally collapsing into a shuddering pile of self-loathing despair. Blake’s closing statement during Templeton vs. Albrup was so effective that two of the jurors were permanently blinded and there were immediate calls for genetic testing to prove that Blake was not actually some kind of mutant with a hyper-advanced legal brain born ten thousand years before his time.
In addition to being a brilliant attorney, Indigo Blake is also the most expensive attorney in the western hemisphere. As a means of securing exclusivity and also because he loves money so gosh darn much, Blake charges for every word spoken, which means a simple, three-minute conversation can cost as much twelve-thousand dollars. To deal with this, we’ve developed a special non-verbal method of communication that consists of painting large, elaborate watercolors landscapes. It’s slightly cheaper and it kind of helps us believe that the studio art degree was a good idea.
Clearly, Blake is a man of many eccentricities, especially in regards to payment. Rather than be paid in cash, Blake demands to be paid in an equivalent amount of Chrysler Cordobas, with interiors of the finest Corinthian leather. Furthermore, Blake will only accept the cars if they are hand delivered by actor M. Emmet Walsh, who is to be dressed as a Confederate major and is to remain in character for the duration of the transfer. Mr. Walsh flatly refused to participate when he contacted him, so we’ve been making due with dimly-lit skies, a fake moustache, and Peter Fury’s dead-on M. Emmet Walsh impersonation. The combined effect is uncanny.
Yes, Blake is a strange and sometimes frightening man. But we are more than willing over look his little quirks and quips in exchange for the best legal counsel that humanity has ever witnessed. That, and we fear his wrath should we terminate his contract.
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