Ben eyes

DREW PARAZYNSKI 

BORN: Unknown
HEIGHT: 5’ 7"
WEIGHT: 140 lbs
HOMETOWN: Mobile
HIRED: 6/13/2004
WEAPON OF CHOICE: Saturday night special, knuckle dusters, fully-sharpened Dixon Ticonderoga #2 pencil
SKILLS: "Persuading" people, "acquiring" rare items, "eliminating" problems
HOBBIES: "Running" marathons, "reading" Clive Cussler novels, "painting" with acrylics 

Drew Parazynski represents a real success story here at JREZHS - the inspiring tale of one's man journey to redemption through the healing power of zombie hunting. It's no secret that Drew had a troubled past when he joined us. Growing up in the dangerous, backwater slums of Cookeville, Vermont, Drew turned to crime at an early age. At three years old, Drew had successfully committed mail fraud. By age seven, Drew was selling bootleg Pokemon cards and dealing goofballs to desperate stoners. As an adolescent, Drew became the "go-to guy" for no less than a dozen criminal organizations, including the Russian Mafia, the Japanese Yakuza, the Irish Mob, the Chinese Triads, the Cosa Nostra, the Mumbai Underworld, Jamaican Yardies, Colombian drug cartels, Malaysian gunrunners, Mexican kidnappers, Serbian assassins, and Australian sheep-herders. It was kind of like an episode of Globe Trekker, only with guns and cocaine. Well, more guns and cocaine, anyway. 

At first, crime was simply a way for Drew to survive life on the mean streets. Then it was a way to make huge, obscene amounts of money. As one criminal misdeed lead to another, crime became into all-consuming, addictive habit. Soon, after a long day of robbing armored cars, Drew would be forced to blow up a gas station or two just to cool down and relax. Caught in a sexy, action-packed web of corruption, Drew found himself falling into an ever-worsening spiral of thievery, villainy, and moral decay.  

Attempts to reform his criminal ways met with little success. A three-day stint at the neighborhood deli resulted in the second longest gun battle in police history, along with the reported thefts of 16 dollars worth of sliced pastrami and one police dog. Drew's blatant disregard for the law brought him into repeated conflict with the authorities, but he managed to escape capture by through a variety of ingenious strategies. For example, there was this one time where he wore a cowboy hat, making everyone believe that the culprit was actually a cowboy. Another time, he wore his shirt inside out, making everybody think that the real culprit was from some of kind weird foreign country were everything was backwards.  

Had he continued with a world filled with car chases, dangerous women, and high-stakes gambling, Drew would have likely ended up dead by his 25th birthday, or possibly the subject of a very exciting made-for-TV movie. But Drew's life would change forever after a chance encounter with the founder of JREZHS himself, James Gandhi Rage.  

After a long game of ice hockey down at the pond, Jim Rage returned to HQ late one night to discover Drew in the process of stealing the entire building using a rented helicopter. Worse, Drew had charged the helicopter to Jim's Mastercard. In spite of what had happened, Jim was impressed with the lad's moxie, and he took Drew aside and gave him some friendly advice. 

What was it that made Drew reconsider his life? Was it Jim's appeal to his better nature, his plea for Drew to use his powers for good? Or was it the way Jim threatened to "show him his liver" if he ever pulled a stunt like that again? We will never know for sure. All we know is that form that moment onward, Drew Parazynski was a changed man, swearing off crime forever and vowing to devote his life to destruction of brain-eating zombies.  

However, the path to atonement has not been an easy one, and as an ex-criminal mastermind - who swears he's on the straight and narrow, honestly - Drew continues to to face unfair persecution due to his past. In early 2008, Drew was wrongly accused of crashing the Queen Bess oil tanker into Boston Harbor, an incident that resulted in five billion dollars in damages, plus the extinction of several species of migratory sea-birds. Drew was charged with life without parole and was sent to the Trinity Mountain Facility for the Criminally Devious, the notorious maximum security prison where Jack "The Subway Ripper" McGillicuddy and Dragomir "The Canadian" Balcesu remain incarcerated. Fortunately, due to the mysterious discovery of new video evidence, along with the strange and tragic death of every single witness who testified during a freak hiking accident in the Swiss Alps, Drew was cleared of all charges.  

Then, following an unfortunate misunderstanding at the Mexican border involving a beer cooler filled with baboon kidneys, Drew got the call - a brief telephone message from Jim Rage, informing him that the company was back in action. Drew proceeded to locate other former JREZHS employees, each of whom was toiling in their own personal hell. Ben Parazynski (no relation) was eking out a meager existence as a robot fighter. Chico "The Mad Hatter" Suave was toiling in the Bagel Basement. Once united, our heroes climbed into the new 1963 Corvette Stingray that Drew "just happened to, like, find around," and set off to put an end to brain-eating madness everywhere. 

The endless saga continues....