DOROTHY “DOTTY” SAN QUENTIN 

BORN: Sep 4th 1977
HEIGHT: 5’ 3”
WEIGHT: 120 lbs 
HOMETOWN: Akron, OH 
HIRED: 3/14/2010 
WEAPON OF CHOICE: Scissors, stapler, sharpened pencils, .357 Mangum Colt Python Hunter with custom Leupold scope.
SKILLS: Customer service, proof-reading, collating, making us popcorn
HOBBIES:  Collecting back-issues of People magazine, stockpiling firearms 

      Despite having been in operation for more than twenty years, Jim Rage’s Elite Zombie Hunting Squadron has never had a formal office staff. In the early days, zombie hunters personally processed tax forms and invoices as a cost-saving measure, but as the company grew larger and the workload increased, this became wildly impractical. Paychecks were frequently late, case reports were smeared with blood, and important documents were shredded for use as bedding for Rye’s pet rabbit Sweetie-Pie. Briefly, an intern named Mark was called in to amend the situation, but he was tragically buried alive in an altercation with a devil-worshipping cult. His body was never found. But now that the company has undergone significant restructuring in the wake of emerging bankruptcy, we finally resolved to hire some badly-needed office assistance. Unfortunately, we could only find Dotty.
      A native of Akron, Ohio, Dorothy “Dotty” San Quentin came in second place in the Miss Teen Ohio competition and decided to pursue a modeling career upon graduating from high school. Sadly, in 1995 her plans were disrupted when she was kidnapped by the Sagittarius Liberation Front, an insurrectionist militia inspired by the death of Kurt Cobain. The SLF made immediate ransom demands to the community of Akron, but there plan was foiled when the police ignored them, saying “we don’t want to reward that kind of behavior with attention. It will just encourage them.” This tactic was incredibly successful, and fourteen years later the SLF disbanded. Upon her return to society and after a long period of soul-searching, Dotty decided the best way to deal with her trauma was to move to Vermont and avoid eye-contact.
      We’re not exactly sure who hired Dotty, but we found her riffling through desk drawers looking for Tic-Tacs one day, and no one had the heart to ask her to leave after she told us her story. We also saw that she had a gun. Since then, she has been tasked with answering calls and generally keeping things organized. So far Dotty’s performance has been decidedly mixed. While she keeps the mini-fridge well stocked with string-cheese and Diet Cokes, the phone-lines are often busy due to her regular calls to the psychic hotline and she regular takes time off to “work from home.” Her instinctual mistrust of strangers has also led to some major customer relations issues, and she also dots all of her “i’s” with little hearts. Still, she does regale us with the latest tinsel-town scandals, and there’s nothing like some juicy gossip to wash away the blood-soaked horror of professional zombie extermination. Way to go, Dotty! Now get back to work.