BEN “Paul” PARAZYNSKI

BORN: Apr 16th 1980
HEIGHT: Very tall
WEIGHT: Exceptionally fit
HOMETOWN: Bradford, VT
HIRED: 6/11/2004
WEAPON OF CHOICE: Chainsaw, baseball bat, machete, pitchfork,
SKILLS: We’ll get back to you
HOBBIES: Baking, attending Subaru conventions, nature walks, karaoke

Maintaining wealth and power since old Richard Parazynski first amassed his fortune in the railroad business, the extended Parazynski family of Albany, New York, has had a lasting influence on politics and high society. Benjamin Parazynski was the heir to this throne and had long been groomed to be the next Parazynski leader. However, he proved to be a black sheep and disdained the opulence of the moneyed elites he counted as relatives. In a passionate display of rebellion, Parazynski rejected his heritage and refused to accept his multi-million dollar inheritance. Packing a few bags, he departed from the ancestral Parazynski mansion, determined to make an honest living in the working man’s world. After all, how hard could it be?
Several months later, Parazynski found himself in Blue Springs, Vermont as a fry-cook at the Slave Galley (“A Family Restaurant”). Despite being a well-intentioned, jack-of-no-trades, Parazynski had been unable to secure anything approaching a serious career. Struggling to pay off his massive credit card debt, and angry at the world, Parazynski didn’t know where to turn. Then, on a day like any other, he clocked in and prepared to drain the grease pit, unaware that a contaminated package of imitation crab had transformed his co-workers and several customers into flesh-hungry undead fiends. It was only after a family of five attempted to eat him that Parazynski began to realize that his life had completely changed. Armed only with a tenderizer, Parazynski managed to escape with his life. As the Slave Galley slowly burned, Parazynski popped a piece of Trident gum, stroked his mustache and never looked back. Within the coming week he would play an intergral role in the Bradford Vermont incident known as "Beyond Bloodshot".
In 2002, Parazynski decided to parlay his newfound zombie killing talent into a job, and was soon hired at Jim Rage’s Elite Zombie Squad. Parazynski spent the following four years running for his life, dodging blood splatter, growing a beard, shaving it off, avoiding nuclear destruction, and being beaten by masked strangers. There were times when he regretted his youthful decision to sever ties with his family and their crisp, wonderful dollar bills; no more so than when he was possessed by the spirit of a dead co-worker. Ultimately the ever-growing stress, combined with a lack of adequate health-care and no tips, lead Parazynski to quit.
After some undersea misadventures, Parazynski won the Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes. With his newfound millions, Parazynski never felt more like a hypocrite, but that didn’t prevent him from a series of jubilant high-fives with complete strangers and cries of “I’m king of the world!” He started dabbling in baking, and eventually Parazynski created the world’s first three-layered multi-fruit pie. Recognizing the enormous commercial potential of such a desert, he launched Parazynski Pastry Inc., known by the now world famous “Try my Tri-Pie” advertising campaign. The company was short-lived however, as foolish investments lead to bankruptcy in the 2009 financial meltdown. Parazynski watched as his newborn enterprise was crushed in a hostile takeover by the Interstate Bakery Corporation, who feared the power of status-quo shattering snack. The Tri-Pie recipe is now kept in permanent storage in a secluded warehouse, along with a light-bulb that lasts forever.
After a brief period hunting down wayward experimental robots for paltry sums, Parazynski was forced to swallow his pride, along with a valium, as he asked for his old job back. Now this zombie hunting veteran is back in business; older, somewhat wiser, and with even more perfect hair. Ben Parazynski is truly a man who has seen it all.

And he’s seen it all uncomfortably up close.