JUSTIN Cendiary

BORN: Apr 12th 1981
HEIGHT: 6’ 7”
WEIGHT: 200 lbs. of pure crazy  
HOMETOWN: West Fairlee, VT 
HIRED: 9/3/2004 
WEAPON OF CHOICE: His hands, his teeth, fire
SKILLS: Bomb-making, boxing/hand-to-hand combat, knife-throwing
HOBBIES: Making sausage, burning things, watching cartoons 

      It takes a special kind of person to kill zombies for a living, and Justin Cendiary is a very special indeed. Both disarmingly cheerful and uncontrollably angry, his mind is actually a battlefield for various warring personalities, all competing in a Darwinian struggle for dominance. In the past he’s been Justin Famous, Justin Credible, Justin Spirational, and even Justin Case (once he just demanded to be called “Buck Shot”). However, while his names and haircuts may change, he’s been a consistent asset to this company ever since he first bludgeoned a zombie into paste using the toaster we kept in the lounge.

      Justin Cendiary began associating with JREZHS after he took to hiding in the backseat of our Honda Civic. At the time he was working as a professional serial-killer, and hoped to murder us all, but his attempts were always thwarted by the high-beams of a concerned truck-driver. Inadvertently brought to the scene of many zombie exterminations, Cendiary quietly observed from the rear window and became fascinated with the profession. While crouching underneath a space-blanket and trying to stifle his raspy breath, he overheard many conversations about the job-satisfaction and community service that comes from destroying undead infestations. Finally, he resolved to abandon his serial-killing ways and formally apply for a position. His lack of references raised some eyebrows (along with unique spelling of “chloroform”), but he demonstrated an enthusiasm rarely seen and was given the job. Cendiary didn’t disappoint, although we were forced to bill him $20.99 for the toaster he destroyed.

      Formerly a member of our now-defunct Boston unit, Cendiary has since moved into a converted storage space located in our new corporate headquarters, on-call twenty-fours a day. He’s the consummate team-player and readily volunteers for the most dangerous and grueling zombie hunting missions, saying “if I wasn’t paid to do this, I do it for free! Or I’d be mailman!” In addition to his regular work killing zombies, Cendiary also frequently represents the company at job fairs and high-school career seminars. Cendiary blends smooth pitch-making, motivational speech, and Gallagher-style comedic antics to entice potential employees into joining the fold. While no applicants have shown up yet, Cendiary assures us that it’ll pick up.