VOODOO ZOMBIES

(A.K.A Shamblers, Shuffers, JuJu Beasts)

As the great playwright William Shakespeare once wrote, “there are more things in heaven and in earth…that are dreamt of in your philosophy.” Yes, truer words were never spoken, for although the bright halogen light bulb of science has illuminated many a dark basement of superstition, there are still certain little things that we simply cannot explain. And by “little things,” we mean wide-eyed shambling corpses brought back as twisted mockeries of human life by forbidden arcane rituals that defy all logic and sanity. Yessir, it’s a funny old world.

The exact process involved in the creation of these soulless murder-machines remains a mystery. What is known is that it involves spiders, snakes, cobwebs, and lots of spooky drumming and chanting – like some nightmarish real life version of the Halloween Screams n’ Sound FX tape cassette. Once reanimated, these wretched creatures have no memory of their former selves and exist only to the serve the commands of their new masters. Although mindless, voodoo zombies have the capacity to obey simple instructions and can perform menial, repetitive tasks such as carrying scrap metal, crushing rocks, or writing gags for Family Guy. Voodoo zombies can speak, but their grasp of conversation grammar is astonishingly poor, as demonstrated in the transcript below:

CITIZEN: Excuse me sir, but could you please direct me to the nearest post office? My wife is traveling overseas and I am expecting a very important telegram.

SUSPECTED VOODOO ZOMBIE: Gub…Graaaaaa…Me am no alive…hate the living…rip off your arms and, graaaaah, legs.

Did you spot the mistake? That’s right – voodoo zombies have no understanding of the personal singular pronoun.  Simply appalling.
Voodoo zombies are famous for their stiff, mechanical gait – dangerously reminiscent of people doing “the robot.” Be on your guard! Be certain that you know poppin’ and lockin’ when you see it! That hip young dancer on the street corner could be one of the living dead.

DISTINGUISHING CHARACTERISTICS: Stiff, direct gait; outstretched; grasping hands; putrid flesh; big, sad puppy eyes.

REGIONS FOUND: Louisiana and greater American South, Haiti and nearby Caribbean islands.

KNOWN WEAKNESSES: According to ancient lore, voodoo zombies are vulnerable to salt. We at JREZHS typically bludgeon voodoo zombies to death with a bag of road salt, or poison them over a period of several years using a high-sodium diet of Pringles and Combos snack packs.

CONTROL AND CONTAINMENT: Although voodoo zombies are ordinarily slow and sluggish, they can be quite dangerous when provoked. They are simple creatures and they can become confused and violent in the presence of bright colors, confusing patterns, and post-modern sculpture. Avoid all mention of the arts in the presence of voodoo zombies and stick to safe, neutral topics such as the weather, the big game on TV tonight, and how pop music has really gone downhill over the years.  Voodoo zombies are incredibly strong – while you stand there like a sucker, they’ll have already made Banane Pésée out of your sorry face – so don’t try to go toe-to-toe with one of these undead fiends. You’ll lose, and when you lose, America loses. Find a moment to step outside to "grab some fresh air" and whip out that handy track phone you got at the convienience store when you were drunk. Give us a call. Give us a call. There a relaxing feeling moving up your legs. Give us a call. You're arms are limp. Give us a call. Your eyes feel heavy but remained fixed on this screen. Buy a t-shirt. You are now totally at peace. Fork over the dough!

COMMON CAUSES

• Hypnotism overdose
  Marco the magician may make you laugh when he makes people quack like a duck, but you won't be laughing when he makes them kill!
  
• Witches, lepricons, hun duns, giants, wizards, and gypsies
  Be careful whose gold you steal, or whose candy house you eat, or whose feelings you hurt. They might be magic and they may want you or your family to suffer.
  
• Incorrect religous artifact operation
  Before handling a cross, pentagram , scimitar blessed by eight armed deity, etc, read the owner's manual.
  
• Nazis
  Always when and where you least expect them.