RADIOACTIVE ZOMBIES

(A.K.A Brainiacs, Glowbugs,  Hungry-Hungry Horrors) 

The 1950s was a decade of unparalleled excellence for the United States of America. In the span of ten short years, our brave scientists and engineers gave us wonders such as the transistor, microwaveable TV dinners, and Dragnet.  Among these myriad innovations, one creation in particular stood out as a true triumph of industry and Western culture. We speak of course of the development of the nuclear reactor. Like delicious milk flowing from the teat of some fiery atomic goddess, nuclear power promised an endless supply of energy for taxpaying citizens everywhere. 
And yet, scientific progress always comes with a price, and in this sad case, the price was zombies. Soon, nearly every household device was equipped with nuclear battery, from the family automobile to the humble electric toothbrush, and the sheer proliferation of unstable uranium isotopes meant that it was only a matter of time before some horrendous mutation crawled through the woodwork.  Sure enough, arriving hot on the heels of a giant insect invasion in western Nevada,  corpses and cadavers began returning to life all across the heartland. As it turns out, certain wavelengths of radiation react violently with chemicals in the decomposing human body, resulting in the creation of slavering undead ghouls with an insatiable hunger for brains. Who knew? 
Yes, radioactive zombies are really into brains. Specifically, eating them. These ravenous monsters possess no reason or morality since the higher functions of their minds have long since rotted away. Their only desire is to crack open skulls with their radiation-strengthened molars and slurp down juicy, delicious brains like a cherry slushies from the neighborhood Gas N’ Go. They hunt in large packs - which can easily be mistaken for a slow moving riot or maybe a cluster of U2 fans.  
When the radioactive zombie menace first surfaced, authorities tried to combat the threat by sending in wave after wave of paramedics to the scene - which, strangely enough, failed.  Since then, new tactics have been adopted, including the use of lead-lined coffins and head-exploding radar waves. We can only hope and pray that one day soon, at long last, the brain-eating madness will come to an end. 

DISTINGUISHING CHARACTERISTICS: Constant green glow; radiation burns; sharp yellow teeth; clothing stained with brain juice. 

REGIONS FOUND: Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania; Louisville, Kentucky; the Western American states. 

KNOWN WEAKNESSES: The only known way to kill a radioactive zombie is by removing the head or destroying the brain. To remove the head or destroy the brain, use violence. If you are not immediately successful, apply more violence. 

CONTROL AND CONTAINMENT:  First of all be sure that your diet is of the high salt variety. Most salts now adays are iodized. Iodine is known for it's ability to protect your thyroid from radiation poisoning. Bet you didn't know that did you. Iodine however will only protect you from becoming a zombie. What if you encounter someone else who has become a radioactive zombie? Here’s what to do if you spot a radioactive zombie near your home or workplace: run. Run and hide. Then run and hide some more, ‘cause you are in some serious trouble, amigo. Not only can an encounter with radioactive zombies result in massive brain trauma, prolonged exposure can also cause hair loss and infertility. Protect your future children and your gorgeous locks! Hire a professional without delay!   

COMMON CAUSES

• Proximity to Radiation
  If you work/live near radioactive substances it's best to have frequent visits to your doctor so you can know whether or not you should be killed.
  
• Improper use/storage of chemicals
  Remember to install child locks on everything and to never touch anything.
  
• Unchecked bite
  If you were bitten recently by a strange rotting man on the street, it's best to get it checked out. You may have caught a bad case of zombitus.
  
• Nazis
  Always when and where you least expect them.