BIOHAZARD ZOMBIES

(A.K.A  Uglies, Juicers, Toxic Assets) 

It’s a fact – our modern society is all about speed.  In this networked, digital era, it’s not enough to simply do something well; it must be done fast. Perhaps then it is fitting that a newer, faster variety of zombie has surfaced to terrorize the mobile, on-the-go citizens of the 21st Century.  These days, when people are attacked by zombies on the commuter train - mere moments after ordering a decaffeinated soy latte with the latest iPhone app - they can take solace in the knowledge that their flesh will soon be devoured with greater speed and efficiency than ever before possible.  
It is widely believed that biohazard zombies owe their existence to certain top-secret experiments at the Army Medical Research Institute for Infectious Diseases. One night, thoroughly sloshed after a bottle of peppermint schnapps at a bitchin’ USAMRIID New Year’s Eve party, several research scientists decided to pay a quick visit to the Level 4 viral pathogen lab. The researchers started mixing a little bit of this with a little bit of that, and before you could say “oh dear god, we’ve all been infected,” they had created a hyper-aggressive strain of hemorrhagic fever with the capacity to reanimate dead tissue.
Just as over forty-two delicious flavors of soft-serve ice cream have branched off from the original trinity of vanilla, chocolate, and vanilla with chocolate, the virus has since mutated countless times, resulting in a host of zombie subvarieties. While none of these zombies are bursting with the great taste of piña colada, black raspberry, or watermelon sherbet, they are bursting with burning, virulent ooze.  The blood and vomit of a biohazard zombie are highly toxic. The tears are highly toxic as well, but no man has ever seen a biohazard zombie cry. 
Biohazard zombies are famous for their shambling gate and ghastly moans, but don’t you buy into the hype because they’re just trying to get attention.  Their legendary single-mindedness for consumption is due to the virus creating massive amounts of mucus in the remains of the decomposing brain, resulting in a bloodthirsty, infectious monster that could really use a nice cup of tea. Biohazard zombies are in a constant stage of rage and unlike normal, healthy human beings, they can’t drink to relax.  

DISTINGUISHING CHARACTERISTICS: Pulsing veins; yellow, bulging eyes; fluid oozing from ears and nostrils; discolored, often copper-hued skin and hair. 

HABITAT: Hospitals, secret government labs, teenagers, toxic-waste dumps. 

KNOWN WEAKNESSES: Biohazard zombies are basically plague factories that can run, stumble, and by shear determination beat you to death with your own dismembered arms and legs. If shot, stabbed, or even looked at the wrong way, they’re liable to explode in a shower of diseased slime. In this case, the best offense is a good defense – namely, wash your hands with soap and hot water regularly. According to an important study that we did last Thursday, regular handwashing can reduce the risk of infection by as much as 98 percent.  But why stop there? Why not buy a bottle of Jim Rage’s Elite Old-Fashioned Hand Cleanser and Viral Disinfectant? Yes friends, this patented cleansing formula with the famous orange scent is now available for purchase for the one-time, low, low price of $19.95, and if you order right now, and by golly we really do mean this instant, we’ll throw in a second bottle for absolutely free. That’s right. You read correctly. Free. That’s a $19.95 value for no additional charge just for placing your order. Eager to try this miracle product for yourself? Can’t say that we blame you! Have your credit card ready at give us a call at 1-800-CLEANHANDS. That’s 1-800-CLEANHANDS. No checks or money orders accepted. 

CONTROL AND CONTAINMENT: Are you a fast runner? We sure hope so, because otherwise you’re dead meat.  Get back to the gym and hit the track. Start with stretching, then follow up with a slow jog as a warm-up exercise, then move on to the main event. Alternate between long distance running and sprinting for maximum effect.  Then call in some professionals because nobody every killed a zombie by running away, you coward.

COMMON CAUSES

• Illnesses
  Airborne or otherwise, a little bacterial, parasitical, or viral infection can cause big problems. Wash your hands!
  
• Mosquitoes , fleas, and ticks
  The threat of mosquito-borne diseases could affect your family and pets. Fleas feed on human blood through small bites in the skin. They can jump from your carpet up to your ankles and calves, and a female flea can produce up to 800 eggs during her lifetime. Ticks carry many serious diseases, including Lyme disease, encephalitis and super death war zombitus type II. They can live for over 500 days without a meal.
  
• Unchecked bite
  If you were bitten recently by a strange rotting man on the street, it's best to get it checked out. You may have caught a bad case of zombitus.
  
• Nazis
  Always when and where you least expect them.