NOTICE: THIS IS AN OUTDATED VERSION OF THE MANUAL. IT WAS TRANSLATED FROM SEVERAL LANGAUGES BY TEENAGERS WHO DIDN'T KNOW WHAT THEY WERE DOING. WE ARE CURRENTLY PLUGGING AWAY AT A NEW VERSION FOR THIS MODERN WORLD WE LIVE IN. FACTUAL ERRORS ARE SOLEY THE FAULT OF YOUNGSTERS AND HOODRATS. RE-DEAD THE UN-DEAD!
To begin with, let me make this clear: there is no way to make zombie hunting a profitable enterprise. I have been managing director of Jim Rage's Elite Zombie Hunting Squad for thirty-five years now, and we have always just barely made enough income to repair or replace our equipment and give our Elite Zombie Hunters their meager salary. We do not do this for the money.
Then why? If not for money, why do we routinely risk our lives fighting undead horrors? We all have our reasons. My good associate Johnny Wander became a zombie hunter because of personal vendetta. The Mad Hatter hunts zombies for the intense, violent thrill of it. Just-In-Credible fights zombies because he can. But despite these various purposes for slaying zombies, I can say that we all do it out of a moral impulse. We feel we need to take action against the undead, to stop the massacres once and for all.
Frankly, the reason we do it is because somebody has to do it. Even though it seems like nine tenths of Americans refuse to believe in zombies, they do exist and are a great danger to us. So we take it upon ourselves to destroy these creatures. Hopefully before they kill any innocent people. It is a dangerous, often thankless job, where one's life is in danger almost constantly when out in the field.
If you are reading this manual, then you are interested in becoming a zombie hunter. I cannot say that this is a wise decision, but my god, you sure have guts. This manual will give you the information you need, so that you aren't going out there unprepared, with a head filled with foolish notions. It gives detailed descriptions of zombies, so that you can better understand the flesh-devouring walking dead. It lists the essential weapons and equipment you'll need, and it has excellent tips of advice straight from our most distinguished Elite Zombie Hunters like the aforementioned trio and others like Baxter Black, Max Power, and Frank Gritt, .
After finishing the manual, you may apply for a position of Elite Zombie hunter at Jim Rage's Elite Zombie Hunting Squad by sending a self-addressed stamped envelope to:
536 Bedlam Street
Room 42-T
Blue Springs, VT 09078
Or by calling 1-802-885-6891. This manual also gives advice for starting your own zombie hunting business, should you take that route. Good luck. Don't get killed out there.
Jim Rage, managing director of Jim Rageís Elite Zombie Hunting Squad
UNDERSTANDING ZOMBIES
If you are reading this, your mind has already been made up. For some reason or another, you have decided to become a professional zombie hunter. Regardless of your motivations we welcome your decision. Zombies remain a constant threat to society, and it is only because of the actions of brave individuals such as yourself that zombie plagues have been kept under control. Determined as you are, you cannot just begin hunting zombies immediately. First you must be well informed. Obviously you agree, otherwise you would not be reading this. Remember, zombie hunting is dangerous and the more knowledgeable you are, the better! After all, any mistake you make while out in the field could spell doom for you, your team, and your zombie hunting business. Simply put, you must not make mistakes
The task may seem daunting, and there is much for you to learn. So were do you start? Your first step as rookie zombie hunter will be to fully understand the nature of your prey. You cannot simply charge into battle with no knowledge of the dangerous and horrifying monsters you will fight. The zombie is a bizarre creature and is deceptively complicated. Zombies can be both frightening and deadly, but they posses many traits and weaknesses that the clever zombie hunter will exploit to his or her advantage
What exactly is a zombie? Unbeknownst to many would-be zombie hunters, the term is very generic, and Zombie refers to any re-animated human corpse. The cause of re-animation can vary, and as a result, there are many different types of zombies. At least ten types of zombies have been documented, and several deviant strains are recognized. Many abnormal zombie types are held in controversy by experts, but JREZHS has listed all that we have encountered, along with their respective characteristics and weaknesses. *
Despite the differences amongst zombies species, they have many universal characteristics. All zombies are re-animated dead bodies, and since their nerve endings are dead, they do not feel pain of any kind. They are also immune to poison, disease, and fatigue. Blood is not pumped through a zombie's body, nor do their lungs operate. Although their bodies may be decaying and infested with parasites, zombies will continue to function. Zombies can withstand wounds that would maim or kill a normal human, and continue to function. Only the zombie brain and central nervous system are truly vulnerable. If the brain or the spinal cord is significantly damaged, the zombie will cease to function, never to rise again. A crushing blow to the neck or head will kill a zombie instantly, as will a decapitation.
Due to their decaying bodies, most of the zombieís senses are impaired or destroyed. Zombies posses no sense of touch whatsoever, and presumably have no sense of taste either. Additionally, It is not uncommon to encounter blind zombies. However, their senses of hearing and smell are inexplicably keen. They can smell humans from miles away, and hear all but the quietest of movements. It is these two senses that they rely on when they lurk for human meat.
Zombies show no emotions, and have no memories of the previous human existences. They cannot suffer from fear, doubt, or anger. They possess little problem solving capacity. Their sole motivation is an uncontrollable desire to devour human flesh or brains. Zombies need to feed to survive, just like you, or me, or your father. Though they seek human meat, most Zombies can be distracted by raw animal steaks or piles of raw hamburger.
Zombies can lurk alone, but they usually group together in packs. These packs tend to be on the smaller side (eight to fifteen zombies.) but can grow to be quite large as more zombies join. (thirty five to one hundred zombies.) Among these packs a zombie with superior strength emerges. These Pack Leaders poses a certain animal-cunning and are faster and more aggressive than other zombies. As the pack-leaders travel, the rest of the pack follows, and other zombies they encounter join the ranks.
Perhaps due to the recent slew of zombie horror movies and zombie urban legends, numerous zombie myths are believed to be fact. This makes things extremely dangerous for a rookie zombie hunter, whose information may be terribly inaccurate. Below is a list of some of the more common zombie falsehoods.
Zombies are amazingly strong: This is perhaps the most widespread zombie misconception. Zombie muscles are often rotten and torn, and they lack the adrenalin generated feats of strength that humans often get. Zombies smash through doors and barricades, not through muscular strength, but through constant battering. Never tiring, zombies will pursue their prey without pause, hurling themselves at obstacles with inhuman abandon. Zombies have been known to pummel against barriers until their hands are reduced to bloody stumps.
Zombies are mind-numbingly slow: Zombies walk with a sluggish, shambling gait, and you should be able to escape by running at a brisk pace. However, they are frighteningly quick at lashing out at prey. Waste no time in putting some space between yourself and a zombie.
Zombies cannot get across bodies of water: Zombies lack the motor skills to swim, but that doesn't stop them from pursuing their prey into water. Some zombies, heavy with human meat in their gullet, sink, and proceed to walk along the muddy bottom of the body of water. Others are filled with gasses due to advanced decomposition, and can float.
Zombies are active only at night: This is a highly dangerous assumption, having caused the death of many rookies. Zombies are always active, never tiring, never resting.
To be bitten/scratched by a zombie leads to instant death and re-animation as a zombie: Only Biohazard Zombies, Demonic Zombies, and to an extent Radioactive Zombies can zombify through their bite. However, the bites of zombies can still be dangerous. All Zombies have been rotting for some time, and all zombies carry diseases and parasites with them. They are filthy creatures, and the bites are at best nasty and at worst poisonous. If you do accidentally touch a zombie or are bitten by one, make certain you wash your hands and the infected area vigorously with soap and hot water. After terminating a zombie, make sure to take several baths or showers. We at Jim Rageís know the value of cleanliness. In fact, we have developed our own special cleanser, guaranteed to scrub away zombie ooze from your skin. A liter container of the cleanser can be obtained at our headquarters, or by calling 1-800-CLEANHANDS
Zombies are scared by fire: Only Voodoo Zombies have been known to show a fear of fire. For all the others, even when totally immersed in flame, they will not panic.*
Martial arts are extremely effective against fighting zombies: The actual physical damage that is delivered using martial arts is minimal. All martial arts work by inflicting pain upon or incapacitating them. Zombies, who feel no pain, and never tire, are all but immune to such tactics. A special hold or strike may cause a zombie to falter for a second, but it will not stop it. Furthermore, martial arts require close proximity to a zombie, and this could be very dangerous indeed. Although sluggish, zombies will waste no time in clawing, biting, or tearing their prey to pieces. (For this reason, martial arts can be useful in learning how to escape a zombie's vice-like grip.) Taking on a single zombie with martial arts is questionable, and NEVER attempt taking on a group of zombies. It may seem bad-ass to take of a zombie horde with a strong left hook or a karate chop, but you'll likely end up a bloody stain on the pavement. However if you heed not out warning and manage to slay a whole zombie army with just your bare hand, well then more power to you.
Zombies can be used as living weapons: Many have tried to exploit zombies as living, unstoppable, weapons. All have failed, devoured by their own soldiers. Zombies are walking death, they cannot be controlled, nor do they serve any beneficial service to humanity. To abandon an oath to slay zombies and instead try to harness them as weapons is a direct violation of a Zombie Hunting License and goes against everything we stand for at JREZHS.
Listed on the next page is information on the sociology, habitat, and immunities of the common North American Zombie. Also listed below are statistics for the five zombie variants; the Radioactive Zombie, the Voodoo Zombie, the Demonic Zombie and the Biohazard Zombie, and Toxic Zombie. Listed among the statistics are physical descriptions, and tips of how best to combat them.
THE VARIETIES OF ZOMBIES
We begin our analysis of myriad forms of zombie life, with a study of your basic/average/generic/normal/run of the mill zombie.
ZOMBIES:
Zombies are human corpses that have returned to feed upon the flesh of the living. They can be in varying stages of decay, but are usually physically intact. They walk with an odd, shambling gait and emit low, throaty moans. They lack the intelligence to speak or (for that matter) think.
SPECIAL ABILITIES:
-Zombies are tireless and cannot feel pain. As a result, they can break through barricades very easily, smashing at it until their fists have become mangled stumps.
-The bite of a Zombie is highly caustic and can cause all sorts of nasty diseases.
-Being dead, Zombies are immune to the effects of poison, disease, and fatigue.
-Zombies require no oxygen.
SOCIOLOGY: Once brought back to pseudo-life, Zombies tend to gather together into packs. In every pack, there is a pack leader. The pack leader is a zombie that for some reason exhibits some sort of control over the others. The pack leader is usually stronger than other zombies, and possess animalistic cunning. They are even more dangerous than normal zombies. Although they do not need to eat in order to survive, Zombie are driven by an all-consuming urge to devour human flesh. Normally Zombies will not attack or try to eat each other, although they have been known to engage in zombie-cannibalism.
WEAKNESSES: Zombies are slow, but can be quite fast when sufficiently provoked. Because primitive urges from the Zombie's dead brains are the only thing which keeps it going, Zombies can be killed by severe damage to the brain or spinal cord (exception being Demonic Zombies variety). Decapitation will neutralize zombies instantly. A pack of zombies can be dealt with far more easily if the pack leader is taken out first. The rest of the pack will still be very dangerous, but less so without a leader to direct them. *
HABITAT: Zombies infestations can be found anywhere where corpses are kept. This includes: graveyards, crypts, city morgues, funeral homes, and hospitals. In a few cases, Zombies may arise from the corpses of ship-wreck victims and trudge along the sea or lake bed until they reach shore. Zombies can commonly be found:
-In abandoned warehouses and factories.
-Lurking around the docks or waterfronts of large cities.
-Hiding within condemned buildings or dark alleyways.
-Walking through the dense forests of New England.
ASSESSMENT: This profile represents the typical zombie we at JREZHS regularly encounter. They posses the standard Zombie traits and thus no extra precautions are necessary when facing these rot-encrusted fiends. If possible, kill the pack leader first. The pack leader is generally larger than other zombies and always eats first.
RADIOACTIVE ZOMBIES:
DESCRIPTION: Radioactive Zombies (or "Brain-Eaters" as they have been called) are zombies that have been re-animated by a powerful source of radiation. They may be surrounded by a faint, green glow. Radioactive Zombies tend to be in an advanced state of decay, due to the fact that their own radioactivity slowly eats away at their remaining tissue. Radioactive Zombies may be covered with multiple oozing sores, gashes, radiation burns, and other examples of tissue damage. Some Radioactive Zombies may be missing limbs or facial features.
SPECIAL ABILITIES/IMMUNITIES:
-As their name implies, Radioactive Zombies constantly emit low level radiation from their bodies. Prolonged exposure to the Radioactive Zombie's radiation can cause burns, hair loss, or stomach sickness. Though the radiation is very mild, it is recommended that Radioactive Zombies be sprayed with radiation-retardant foam or wrapped in a layer of lead foil once they are destroyed, to prevent any unnecessary exposure.*
-Radioactive Zombies posses the standard zombie abilities including extraordinary resistance to pain and inhuman strength. The bite of a Radioactive Zombie is highly poisonous as the zombie's saliva is irradiated.
-The radiation emitted by Radioactive Zombies has the nasty habit of re-animating nearby corpses as more zombies. A Radioactive Zombie must be dealt with quickly, or hordes of zombies will soon spring from their foul graves. Dying after exposure to a Radioactive zombie will not usually lead to re-animation, as long as there is no further exposure after death.
-Unlike the non-radioactive types, Radioactive Zombies have proven to be quite quick.
SOCIOLOGY: Radioactive Zombies travel in small groups of ten or eleven, wandering without purpose or desire. As the radiation field emitted by Radioactive-Zombies raises more corpses, these pack can quickly grow to frightening sizes. There is always a dominant zombie, or pack leader amongst the herd, who leads the pack and eats first. Radioactive Zombies will eat flesh, but they're really after human brains. The reason for this is unknown, and victims are almost always found with most of their flesh remaining, but with their skulls torn open and brains devoured. Radioactive Zombies are extremely feral and vicious, and have been known to fight amongst themselves for food. Occasionally Radioactive Zombies have been reported to actually feed upon animals or even other zombies.
WEAKNESSES: Radioactive Zombies possess extraordinary resistance to punishment. They are unfazed by conventional piercing or slashing damage. Dismemberment and severe burns only slow them down. Burning is ill advised due to poisonous toxins which are emitted when their flesh is burnt. For a Radioactive Zombie to die, it must receive severe trauma to the head and spinal cord, or its body must be utterly destroyed. Electricity has been known to paralyses Radioactive Zombies making the death blow a waltz in the park; careful though electricity is a cruel mistress and can be just as dangerous as a zombie.
HABITAT: Radioactive Zombie infestations almost always originate from areas nearby power plants or science labs. They thrive in areas with high radiation levels. They can also be found:
-Near or around atomic testing sites.
-Graveyards or crypts near nuclear power plants
-Deep underground within abandoned government complexes.
-Within the sewers of Bradford, Vermont.*
ASSESSMENT: It is speculated that the Radioactive Zombie is the result of American atomic tests during the 1950's. The research discovered that certain levels of radiation were capable of re-animating dead bodies. Later, the Canadian military began experimenting with Radioactive Zombies, trying to use re-animated dead as living weapons. The test subjects slaughtered all personnel and escaped to the wilderness, spreading a plague of Radioactive Zombies across north-east America. Recently there were several Radioactive-Zombies infestations in Soviet Russia after the Chernobyl Disaster. The infestations were met with quickly executed special operation techniques and followed by an efficient government cover up. After the fall of the USSR, the records became viable for public access, and a copy of these documents were mailed to JREZHS by Alexi Vardanov and his Vanguard Zombie Destroying Force. (VSDF)
Regardless of their origin, Radioactive Zombies are very dangerous, far more deadly than the average Zombie horror. The radiation that emits from their bodies possess the same re-animating quality of the radiation that first spawned these loathsome fiends. In the presence of even a lone Radioactive-Zombie, all recently deceased corpses will arise from the dead as more Radioactive-Zombies. Thus, over time a plague of Radioactive-Zombies will increase exponentially. Their ability to create more Zombies aside, the radiation projected by Radioactive-Zombies is harmful after prolonged exposure. Although usually mild, the radiation can cause burns, nausea, and hair loss. To prevent the re-animation of more zombies, and to limit radiation damage, Radioactive-Zombies must dealt with quickly and thoroughly.
Due to the high levels of radiation pouring from their bodies, ranged assaults are advised when dealing Radioactive-Zombies. Consuming lots of iodine will protect you from radiation sickness. Iodine pills can be found at your local health food store in the form of capsules of fish oil. Radioactive-Zombies are less sluggish and slow than their non-radioactive cousins, and thus any attack must come fast and hard. Hidden behind brush, trees, or obstacles, snipers may pick off the zombies one-by-one, aiming for headshots. If possible, lure the Radioactive-Zombies into uninhabited areas to avoid radiation exposure to civilians, pets, and private property. Radioactive-Zombies are particularly ravenous and will respond quickly if bait is placed nearby. Use raw meat, hamburger meat works well, to draw the Radioactive-Zombies out into the open, then pick them off with snipers. When all the zombies are terminated, spray down the area with radiation-retardant foam and wrap the bodies in lead foil for disposal. dispose of the bodies at the local hazardous waste dump, as they will likely have facilities to dispose of dangerous materials. Run tests on nearby water supplies to make certain they have not been irradiated.*
VOODOO ZOMBIES:
DESCRIPTION: Voodoo Zombies, or "Walking Dead", are human corpses re-animated by voodoo magic. Unlike other Zombies, Voodoo Zombies are usually well preserved and lack characteristics of decay. Some Voodoo Zombies could even pass off as normal humans. Only deep rings under the eyes and sunken flesh around the face reveal Voodoo Zombies as being dead. Voodoo Zombies are also known for their icy, penetrating stares, their slow, wobbling gait, and their deep groaning voices.
SPECIAL ABILITIES/IMMUNITIES:
-Being dead, Voodoo Zombies are immune to poison, disease, and fatigue. They do not need food or oxygen.
-Voodoo Zombies possess great strength, capable of bending iron bars and smashing through weak concrete walls. It is estimated that a typical Voodoo Zombie can lift (press) about 500 lbs. They typically kill their enemies by strangulation.
SOCIOLOGY: Voodoo Zombies, or Ju-Ju Zombies as they are sometimes known as, are almost always created by a Houngan or tribal witch-doctor. The practice of creating undead servants by use of voodoo magic first appeared in Haiti, and some report that it is still used there today. In any case, the legends say that a Houngan will poison an enemy with a special mixture which destroys the soul of the victim. With no soul, the corpse is easily re-animated and will willingly obey any of the Houngan's commands. Typically in the voodoo legends, Voodoo Zombies are used as slaves and laborers but sometimes are used as assassins. Voodoo Zombies lack all motivation or desire, existing only to serve their masters. Voodoo Zombies do not need to eat and have displayed absolutely no urge to consume human flesh or brains. However, they can be raging homicidal maniacs, if they receive the appropriate orders.
WEAKNESSES: Voodoo Zombies are extremely slow and clumsy. Even smaller obstacles are capable of hindering a Voodoo Zombie's path. They can be distracted by flashing lights, bright colors, or confusing noises. Although never actually tested, the legends say that the taste of salt will force a Voodoo Zombie to remember that it is dead, thus ending its pseudo life forever. Thus, it is recommended that zombie hunters hunting Voodoo Zombies carry large bags of salt, just in case. Voodoo Zombies lack all motivation or desire, existing only to serve their masters, and this can actually be exploited by a clever zombie hunter. If a zombie hunter can find a Voodoo amulet or similar device, he may override a Houngan's commands.*
HABITATS: Voodoo Zombies are often difficult to find due to fact that they do not travel in packs and almost always work alone. In any case, areas with connection to Haiti, Voodoo Magic, and graveyards are all good places to look for Voodoo Zombies. Voodoo Zombies can also be found:
-Guarding the home of a Houngan.
-Guarding a socially frustrated researcher's (Mad Scientistís) laboratory.
-Lurking around Haitian graveyards or garbage dumps.
-Mindlessly wandering the streets New Orleans during Madi Gras.
ASSESSMENT: Due to their slow, clumsy nature it is assumed that Voodoo Zombies are easy to eliminate. Nothing is further from the truth. Voodoo Zombies, despite the fact that they lack the persistence of other Zombies types, are dangerous opponents. They are single-minded in the achievement of their orders, never tire, never feel pain, and posses inhuman strength. Do not be foolhardy with these undead assassins and treat them with caution.
Unlike other Zombies, Voodoo Zombies possess a certain animalistic intelligence and can thus be distracted. They bear a strong dislike of fire and will retreat in confronted by flames. Voodoo Zombies are almost always alone, and this makes it easy for a zombie hunter to ambush them from behind. An efficient strategy is to have two zombie hunters working in a pair, one diverted the zombie with a torch, while attacks the zombie from behind with a zombie with a machete or a crowbar. One the head is decapitated or the skull is crushed, the Zombies will be terminated instantly.
If confronted by a group of Voodoo Zombies, it is best to incapacitate them somehow and them take them out at close range with blades or bludgeons. Weighted nets work quite well, and can entangle and confuse numerous Voodoo Zombies, leaving them open to attack.
Although a quick attack from behind should terminate a Voodoo Zombie quickly, never attempt to engage a Voodoo Zombie in melee combat from the front. Voodoo Zombies are quite strong, and can easily tear an experienced zombie hunter limb from limb.
DEMONIC ZOMBIES:
DESCRIPTION: Though extremely rare, Demonic Zombies, (or the Hungry Dead, as they are sometimes known) are human corpses raised from the dead by some tremendous surge of ancient, arcane evil. Demonic Zombies can be found in any or all of the stages of decay. Sometimes Demonic Zombies are well preserved, but sometimes they are semi-skeletal or mush-like. Usually the skin of a Demonic Zombie has been torn away, leaving raw, red muscle and dangling flaps of flayed flesh. If Demonic Zombies still possess eyes or eye sockets, either an unearthly white glow will emanate from them or a dull blue radiance. Demonic Zombies usually are capable of primitive speech , usually repeated phrases like "Join us!" Demonic Zombies are animated by demonic forces to devour and destroy all life everywhere. They will stop at nothing to find human flesh and brains to consume.
SPECIAL ABILITIES/IMMUNITIES:
-Demonic Zombies are undisputed as the most dangerous type of Zombie known to man. They feel no pain, and can withstand extraordinary amounts of punishment before being destroyed. Once severed from the body, individual limbs will continue to attack. Only complete destruction of the Demonic Zombieís body will kill a Demonic Zombie.
-Trauma to the brain or spinal cord will not kill Demonic Zombies. They have been known to keep on attacking even after a decapitation.
-The bite of Demonic Zombies zombie is extremely caustic and poisonous, and can cause instant death. Anyone unfortunate enough to be bitten by a zombie will die and rise again as another Demonic Zombie. When hunting the Demonic Zombies, stay as far away as possible from your target. Wear body armor as well, preferably covering the torso and all limbs completely.
-Demonic Zombies have displayed amazing resistance to conventional weapons such as pistols, clubs, swords, chains, and even weed-wackers and Molotov cocktails. A zombie Hunter may have to use heavier forms of weaponry against these undead fiends.
SOCIOLOGY: Demonic Zombies mass together in tremendous hordes of fifty to one hundred. Then the horde swarms across the land, devouring humans and destroying property. They are chaotic, mindless, and damn near unstoppable.*
WEAKNESSES: Though extremely tough and hard to kill, Demonic Zombies are still vulnerable to forms of heavy-duty weaponry like grenade launchers, high powered assault rifles, acid sprayers and large quantities of dynamite. For this reason, flamethrowers work rather well against Demonic Zombies.
HABITAT: When not attacking human settlements, Demonic Zombies can most often be found in places related to creepy satanic magic. They can also be found:
-Nearby abandoned New Orleans hotels.
-Nearby small, isolated cabins in the wilderness.
-Lurking near demonic portals.
ASSESSMENT: How exactly Demonic Zombies come into being is uncertain. What is certain, however, is that they are the most dangerous form of zombie known to man. Poisonous, immune to conventional attacks, and possessing the awful ability to transform humans into other zombies, Demonic Zombies are the bane of every Zombie Hunter in existence. Surviving body parts will always continue to attack, therefore in order to be terminated, the entire body of the Demonic Zombie must be incinerated, crushed to pulp, or otherwise destroyed.
The bite or scratch of a Demonic Zombie is toxic and can cause instant death. Approx. twenty-four hours after being slain, the human will rise again as another Demonic Zombie. You cannot allow this to happen! Wear protective armor at all times when dealing with Demonic Zombies, covering every inch of vulnerable flesh. Avoid close combat at all costs and destroy the corpses of any squad member who has been bitten or scratched.
Since a Demonic Zombie will continue to attack even if the brain/spinal cord is destroyed, it is necessary to totally destroy a Demonic Zombie, or at least damage enough of it's body to immobilize it until the rest of it can destroyed. Blades may dismember and decapitate, but the individual parts will live on. Heavy firearms such as machine guns, shotguns, and assault rifles may only damage the Demonic Zombies, not destroy them outright. Grenades and other military explosives are designed to kill primarily with shrapnel, and thus are not very effective against the Hungry Dead. Industrial explosives such as generic TNT are far more explosive and stand a far greater chance of reducing the zombie to bits and pieces. Acids work slowly but are generally effective in reducing a Demonic Zombie to bloody slush.
Since Demonic Zombies kill by biting and clawing their foes it is always a good idea to separate to heads and/or hands from the body. Assault rifles and machine guns work well at blasting heads off at long range, as are explosives. Another , far more dangerous method is to immobilize the zombies and then slice off the head and hands from close range, nets works well with such a tactic.
When fighting groups of Demonic zombies it is best to lure them into a closed area and then trap them. Trapping them will not only prevent any of the zombies from escaping, but will give you a perfect opportunity to rain down all manner of missiles from a safe distance. If you have enough time, trap a target area with booby traps and remote-detonated explosives and lure a group of Demonic Zombies inside. Always lead Demonic Zombies out of crowded, populated areas. It will be easier to kill them this way without obstacles or buildings blocking your fire and will lure them away from defenseless civilians.
When engaging Demonic Zombies make certain you are wearing enough body armor. Although zombie teeth are sharp, several layers of leather or sports padding should be enough to keep you safe. Wear a helmet, gloves, goggles and shin guards of some sort as well. Tie back and loose hair and avoid loose clothing that be easily grabbed by zombies. Carry some sort of heavy ranged weapon, preferably a flamethrower, and a close quarters weapon, preferably that can do maximum damage at short range, like a shotgun, semi-automatic rifle, or sub-machinegun. Also, carry a back-up weapon for melee combat, machetes, hatchets, and katanas all being good choices.
The most important thing to remember when hunting Demonic Zombies is to never try it alone. Demonic Zombies are fast, deadly, and almost impossible to kill. Only a stupid jerkface would try to take them on solo. Always work in a group, always. A group of five to seven heavily armed zombie hunters is acceptable, but 10+ zombie hunters are even better.*
BIOHAZARD ZOMBIES:
Biohazard Zombies (or "Uglies") are human corpses re-animated by an unknown viral strain. The virus sustains the zombies and gives them an unending craving for human flesh. Biohazard Zombies are usually in a mild state of decay, but their skin is covered with rashes and boils and is somewhat pink in color as a result of the viral infection. Their eyes are bright green and oozing liquid, and their heads only have clumps of hair. Blood often dribbles from the nose and mouth. They are incapable of making and sort of vocal noise, even the "zombie moan," but they gnash their teeth and make nasty, throaty gasps. Biohazard Zombies are both hard to kill and frightening to behold.
SPECIAL ABILITIES:
-Biohazard Zombies are re-animated human corpses, and thus, are immune to poison, disease, and fatigue. They do not require food or oxygen to survive. Conventional injuries have no effect, and only severe trauma to the brain or spinal cord will slay one.
-The bite of a Biohazard Zombie is highly poisonous and is quite fatal. Those unlucky enough to be bitten from a Biohazard Zombie bite will be infected with the disease and rise again as a Biohazard Zombie.
-Biohazard Zombies are typically in good physical condition, and retain good hearing and adrenal glands (see below)
SOCIOLOGY: Biohazard Zombies congregate in packs like their relatives. However, a pack leader has never been observed in a swarm of Biohazard Zombies. They seem to all be connected in a hive-mind, and possess no real leader. Almost all Biohazard Zombies are not in an advanced state of decay and still retain adrenal glands. As a result, when sufficiently enraged, Biohazard Zombies can enter a state of all-consuming rage. When one Biohazard Zombie within a pack enters a berserk, all others will immediately do the same and will enter a state similar to a feeding frenzy. When this happens, the situation becomes awesomely dangerous. Only our leader Jim Rage has been known to have survived such frenzy. The best strategy would be to run.
WEAKNESSES: Like most zombies, Biohazard Zombies can be dispatched with sufficient trauma to the brain or spinal cord. HOWEVER: be extremely careful when decapitating Biohazard Zombies. Severing the jugular will release a spray of blood which carries the disease. Always wear hazmat suits when battling Biohazard Zombies.*
HABITAT: Biohazard Zombies tend not to be in as populated areas as other zombies. They can usually be found it
-In secret underground military complexes
-Sealed within tanks of organic waste in the sub-basements of abandoned hospitals
-Swarming in disease-ridden plague pits
-In the wilds of the Adirondack mountains
ASSESSMENT:
Biohazard Zombies are, in terms of outright dangerousness, second only the Demonic Zombie. The disease that they carry is virulent to a level beyond imagination, resulting in Biohazard Zombie outbreaks being the fastest to spread out of all of their foul brethren. Once the outbreak begins it is almost impossible to contain, leading to an incredibly harrowing extermination process. Additionally, their ability to ãberserkä and run must always be remembered. Many a zombie hunter will charge into battle, thinking to Biohazard Zombie to be sluggish and in the stage of rigor mortis like the Generic variety or Radioactive variety. They will then to be shocked to find their head crushed by two blistering hands.
Be careful not to mistake a Biohazard Zombie for Toxic Zombie. They might behave somewhat similarly, but their appearances are quite different.*
TOXIC ZOMBIES
Toxic Zombies, also referred to as Chemical Zombies (colloquially referred to as "Toxies" or "Chemizoms") are most similar to Biohazard Zombies, leading to some previous classification confusion between the two. They are human corpses that have been exposed to toxic chemical sludge that has reanimated them. Their skin is dull, pasty gray, and their veins bulge black with chemical toxins. Their eyes are electric yellow and hang loosely in hammocks of black flesh, the dark rings extending down onto their cheeks. Their lips and tongue are black and grotesquely swollen. Their teeth are stained and often rotting. The feet and hands are swollen and tips of fingers and toes are blackened. Their vocal chords are ruined, and they make no noise of any kind. This effect is extremely unnerving to zombie hunters.
SPECIAL ABILITIES
-Toxic Zombies are re-animated human corpses, and thus, are immune to poison, disease, and fatigue. They do not require food or oxygen to survive. Conventional injuries have no effect, and only severe trauma to the brain or spinal cord will slay one.
-A Toxic Zombieís blood and saliva are highly acidic and toxic. Their acid can easily burn its way through clothing and flesh, and is capable of eventually dissolving wood and concrete. This allows them to consume flesh much faster than other zombies, as the acid will reduce the flesh to an easily digestible pulp.
-Non-lethal wounds delivered to a Toxic Zombie will always result in a high-pressure spray of acidic blood.
SOCIOLOGY: Toxic Zombies are some of the most destructive zombies known to JREZHS. Their minds have been eaten at by noxious chemicals, they are always enraged and destroy and mangle anything in their path. While searching for human flesh to consume, they will smash nearby cars, turn over dumpsters, break through windows, and kill any animals they encounter. They have been known to carry crude weapons such as clubs.*
WEAKNESSES: Toxic Zombies have a much shorter "life-span" than normal zombies. Due to the high content of highly corrosive chemicals in their bloodstream and muscle tissues, they are literally burning up from the inside out. If not exterminated, a Toxic Zombie will eventually dissolve into a pool of liquefied flesh and pulpy bone matter. This fluid is EXTREMELY dangerous and will kill and zombify anyone who deeply inhales the fumes and in some cases whose skin contact with it. So wear gloves and a gas-mask when dealing with the sludge. Toxic Zombies in a later stage a decay are commonly unable to zombify a human because they are just too acidic. Any wound they inflict is immediately cauterized and therefore no infection takes place. Another interesting weakness of Toxic Zombies is that since they are acidic they react violently to alkaline bases. Pouring just a little baking soda upon a chemical zombie will make them bubble/dissolve/explode in a horribly disgusting and fun way. If you add a little red food coloring then you can explain how volcanoes work.
HABITAT: Toxic Zombies can usually be found in:
-Garbage/chemical dumps
-Inside chemical plants
-New Jersey
-Graveyards or crypts located next to/near by toxic waste dumps.
ASSESSMENT: The Toxic Zombie is as dangerous as the Biohazard Zombie and should be treated with extreme care. Always wear a hazmat suit when dealing with them, and treat the suit with acid-retardant spray before going out into the field. And remember: always wash your hands after dealing with Toxic Zombies.
3. PSEUDO-ZOMBIES/
OTHER UNDEAD:
As our business name implies, Jim Rage's is primarily devoted to eliminating zombies from this earth. However, during our business history we have encountered several creatures that were greatly similar to zombies that we have placed together in a family of "pseudo-zombies." These creatures are not variants or subspecies of zombies, but possess similar characteristics and may have some vague connection to zombies. We've also encountered other mysterious types of undead. Such encounters have usually been rare, but due to the threat these monsters pose to humanity, we have opted to include footnotes discussing each.
MUMMY:
Mummies are reanimated human corpses preserved by burial cloths and special embalming procedures. Most mummies are male and were of high social status before they were mummified, warriors, kings, and princes being very common. In preparation for the afterlife, these men had many of their internal organs removed, were dunked in preserving chemical agents, and bound tightly in burial cloths. Once mummified, potent spells were usually placed upon the corpses and they were entombed. Certain rituals, usually involving human sacrifice, can restore these hideous beings to life.
All mummies possess a certain degree of animal-like intelligence, and recognize threats and make decisions. Some mummies can speak, although due to the fact their throats no longer produce saliva, their voices are raspy and frightening. Due to their creation through various arcane rituals, it should come as no surprise that mummies possess a strong similarity to the Demonic or Voodoo zombie types.
SPECIAL ABILITIES:
-Mummies are tireless and cannot feel pain. In addition, the muscles of a mummy are well preserved, and most are usually quite strong, capable of tearing off limbs with ease.
-Being dead, mummies are immune to the effects of poison, disease, and fatigue. Mummies require no oxygen.
-In a trait similar to Demonic Zombies, mummies will continue to attack after decapitation and/or destruction of the brain. Mummified hands have been known to attack decades after the body has been dealt with. Only complete destruction of the mummy will totally eliminate it and even that is questionable.
-Although most mummies are nothing more the mindless monsters upon reanimation, a few retain their previous memories and personalities. These elite mummies are far more dangerous than normal mummies and many even possess knowledge of hypnotism. Some even retain enough knowledge of evil sorcery to resurrect other corpses.
SOCIOLOGY: Mummies will never congregate into packs of any kind and strictly solitary. Most mummies are resurrected by those who would use them for power. They are sent out to perform tasks, like Voodoo Zombies, and often are used as assassins. Some mummies retain enough of their mind to act on their own sinister agenda.
WEAKNESSES: Despite being so well preserved, Mummies are very dry and brittle. Their bones can be smashed easily and they are extremely vulnerable to fire. Flamethrowers and bludgeoning weapons are always preferable when confronting mummies. It must also be remember however that although brittle mummies are, for some unknown reason, incredibly strong.
HABITAT: Unlike all of those movies, Mummies are not exclusive to the ancient Egyptians. The Aztecs, Incas, and many Native American cultures , also made mummies. They can mainly be found:
-In buried tombs, crypts, and museums
-Wandering across a desert landscape.
-In South American jungles
-Hidden within the private collections of eccentric archeologists
-In monolithic face shaped space temples on Mars.
ASSESSMENT: Mummies are not impossible to destroy, but can be very dangerous. Basically, handle them as you would a Voodoo Zombie or a Demonic Zombie. As stated above, flame works especially well against mummies. Lure a mummy in an enclosed area and destroy it from a safe place with Molotov cocktails or flamethrower blasts. JREZHS first encountered mummies when Zombie Hunting extraordinaire Pablo "The Flame" Vandross battled the villainous El Apuch, who attempted to take over Mexico using resurrected Aztec mummies. El Apuch was defeated when Pablo succeeded in capturing the fabled Orb of Souls that Apuch had used to resurrect his zombie minions. Deprived of the power of the Orb, Apuch was turned upon by his own mummies and torn to pieces. Pablo then dispatched the mummies with the aide of his "fire-arm." It was not the last time we would encounter mummies being used in such a fashion. Some zombie hunters argue that mummies should be a listed as a type of zombie as they are so similar, but there are enough differences to make them stand alone.
VAMPIRE
Of all of the multitudes of legends, myths, urban-legends, and horror movies about the undead, none are more feared than those of the vampire. Most of what people think they know vampires is, to be frank, utterly bunk. Vampires are not powerful immortals with magical powers and alluring sexuality. They are instead, decaying monstrosities with freakish appearances an insatiable hunger for blood.
A vampire is nocturnal undead monster, that must consume 2.5 liters of blood every day to survive. Only human blood will preserve their state of un-life. It is believed that vampires have existed for centuries, originating in the Carpathian Mountains ranges of Eastern Europe. Unless famished by hunger, most vampires will not kill a human victim outright, only drinking enough blood as necessary, so that the can come back the next day to feed again. Symptoms of a vampire attack include pale skin, weakness, nausea, and fever. In most causes the symptoms are identical to tuberculosis, and mistaken diagnosis is common. Anyone killed by a vampire will rise again a few days later as a vampire themselves with no trace of their former personality.
The exact cause of vampirism is unknown, there is a possibility that it could be the direct result of some sort of retro-virus, one that reanimates a dead host. Once brought back from the dead, the host would be consumed with the desire to seek out human blood, the only substance capable of keeping the now undead host alive. The decomposition process is halted by specially produced healing enzymes in the living bloodstream. Ultraviolet light reeks massive damage to the skin and eyes because the protective layers on them are not sustained by the blood. This forces the host to assume a nocturnal lifestyle.*
Alternately, vampires could be the creation of evil rituals involving demons or nether beings. Certain individuals sold their souls for power, only to be cursed with a powerful bloodlust. This would explain the vampire's aversion to holy artifacts, silver, and temples.
Whatever the case, vampires are rare but dangerous. Avoid vampires at all costs unless you are a veteran undead hunter. They are vicious, evil creatures, who are capable of surviving all but the most concentrated of attacks.
SPECIAL ABILITIES:
-Anyone dies of blood loss at the hands of a vampire will rise again as a vampire themselves.
-Vampires are immune to the effects of disease, poison, cold and fatigue, and feel no pain. Vampires possess a rapid healing system, and can recover from even "fatal" injuries in hours. Even a decapitation will have little effect, as vampires have been known to collect their heads after the battle is finished and allow them to heal back onto their necks.
-Vampires have razor sharp fangs which they use to puncture the skin. They usually attack the neck, and go for the jugular. They then lap up the blood like a vampire bat does. Vampires typically are faster and stronger than mere humans as well.
-The eyes, nose, and ears of the Vampire are especially acute. A vampire can see in complete darkness and can track an individual by the smell of their blood. Their ears can pick up conversations going on many hundreds of feet away. Stealth is vital when hunting the vampire.
-Vampires are savage and vicious, living only to devour and destroy. Their intelligence is equivalent to that of a deranged human. They can drive, operate a gun, open locks, and make plans. However, they rarely speak, and when they do it is usually snarling incoherence.
SOCIOLOGY: Vampires are completely solitary. They shun the company of other vampires, viewing them as rivals and will attack any that invades their territory and feeding grounds.
WEAKNESSES: Vampires are highly vulnerable to light. In a condition similar to porphyria, their skin will blister and bleed upon exposure to light. After prolonged exposure, they basically disintegrate. A high-powered sun lamp will cause considerable pain. Certain holy artifacts, (Crucifixes, Stars of David, copies of the Koran Etc. Etc.) can also cause pain in vampires, and can even cause them to run away. Garlic, especially the odor, is found to be utterly repugnant to vampires, causing them to flee. Wounds caused by silver take a longer time to heal. Silver bullets can be very useful indeed. A vampire can be slain only if their heart is pierced or destroyed. Destruction of the heart terminates the healing factor of the vampire, causing it to become a dead thing once more and crumble to ashes. The spear gun, especially with a silver plated spearhead, is a highly effective anti-vampire weapon. Stakes, made from blessed iron or wood, can make dandy close combat weapons against vampires. Be warned, however. Especially old or powerful vampires may return to life even after being destroyed, driven to take revenge on those who dared to try to slay them. Due to their vulnerability to light, vampires are purely nocturnal creatures and need to rest during the day. They do not hibernate per se, but in this state they are in highly suppressed state of awareness and are more vulnerable to attack.*
HABITAT:
-In blood banks, morgues, and crypts.
-Lurking in abandoned warehouses, and docksides.
-In eastern European castles and villages.
-Operating from old sewers or subway tunnels.
ASSESSMENT:
Vampires are quiet difficult to kill because of their hyperactive regenerative system. As stated above, stakes and spear guns are good ideas for combat with vampire. A gun with silver bullets can be helpful in wounding a vampire, but probably will not be able to kill it. However, dynamite can be an excellent weapon if you have located the vampire's lair and know where to place the explosives. Reduce the vampire to its component body parts and then set fire to the place. Sprinkle the area with holy water salt afterwards. JREZHS Elite Zombie Hunter Rye Crofter has battled vampires on several occasions and has even been a member of vampire hunting sects. He also holds the status of being the one to destroy Professor Julius Orlack, mad brain-surgeon turned undead bloodsucker. Max Power and Hanz Ironthighs have also claimed to have tackled vampires. Max was able to exterminate them with unusual ease as they had no hunger for his undead blood, and Hanz simply used his WWII era "Panzer" tank to crush the vampires into spam. However, when it comes to vampire exterminations , it is our esteemed leader Jim Rage who holds the most prestige. Jim once revealed to Ted Koppell on a Nightline special interview that he had once fought a clan of vampire samurai, whose name translated into English meant "Those Who Are Waiting And Watching". Although the experience was quiet harrowing, and Jim lost many good friends to the bloodsuckers, he managed to exterminate them with an ancient parabolic mirror that reflected a beam of sunlight into a superheated blast of white light. It left nothing but a pile of bloody armor. (The Nightline episode of which we refer to was censored by the U.S. government, and Koppel was paid to "forget" it ever happened.)
However we a JREZHS wish to stresses that our forte is in hunting zombies, not vampires, and we are by no means experts at slaying these fearsome monsters. In the event of a vampire attack, we urge you contact JREZHS affiliate Viktor Van Helsing, an expert vampire hunter who helped supply most of the above information. The Van Helsing family has been killing vampires for centuries, and Viktor has extensive experience locating, stalking and eliminating vampires, having trained himself since the age of twelve. Viktor is always on the move and has no fixed address but he can be reached through JREZHS.
Or alternatively, you could contact the Federal Vampire and Zombie Association.*
AHKIYYINNI:
The Ahkiyyinni are pseudo-zombies that dwells in the frozen North. They have existed for countless years, preserved in the arctic ice. Legends say they were once Inuit warriors who died young and then rose again after their graves were defiling their honor as warriors and dancers. The Ahkiyyinni are mindless, and possessed by some frighteningly enigmatic force. This force, described by the Inuit as being an evil spirit, animates the Ahkiyyinni and controls their actions in a hive-mind. They do not devour human flesh or blood, but do protect their icy territory from all invaders and will kill anyone who crosses their path.
SPECIAL ABILITIES:
-Ahkiyyinni are dead and immune to disease, poison, pain, and especially the cold
-The force that animates the Ahkiyyinni gives them dominion over ice and freezing water. With every step they take, the Ahkiyyinni cause nearby freezing ponds and rivers to overflow. The Ahkiyyinni then drown their victims in the icy water.
-The Ahkiyyinni possess incredible energy and vitality. They can run, jump, leap, climb, and dance after their enemies. Though brittle, they are quite strong.
SOCIOLOGY: The Ahkiyyinni are fiercely protective of their frozen graves. They will destroy anything and anybody who crosses into their territory. They operate together and work in a team.
WEAKNESSES: The Ahkiyyinni are in a very advanced state of decay: rotting torn flesh hangs from their faces, their eyes have long been eaten away, and their chests are caved in and have protruding ribs. The decay is less because of the climate and more due of their great age. If not for the cold, they would have decomposed away already. Regardless, their bodies are easy to smash and break. Due to the evil forces that animate the Ahkiyyinni, they cannot move far beyond their core environment without suffering tremendous pain.
Typically, this means they are limited to riverbanks, ice flows, and frozen lakes and ponds.
HABITAT: Ahkiyyinni can be found
-Swimming in frozen rivers and ponds
-Shuffling across the tundra
- Dancing and rambling in deep snow
-Frozen in blocks of ice.
ASSESSMENT: Ahkiyyinni are fairly easy to exterminate once you can get in a hit, but dangerous because of their great numbers, their ability to control the tundra, and great speed.
The only JREZHS members to encounter the Ahkiyyinni were The Mad Hatter and Dirk Razor. En route to Vermont from a zombie hunting expedition in Russia with Russian zombie hunter Alexi Vardanov, the three zombie hunters made brief stop by a frozen river to watch the ice-covered scenery. It was there that they came across an odd, tomb-like rock formation sticking out of the frozen tundra. Being a curious soul, Razor ventured closer, ignoring the warnings of his comrades, and unwittingly unleashed several angry Ahkiyyinni. Caught unprepared, the three were forced to fight off the undead horrors with ski poles and aluminum snowshoes, retreating while they fought. Surrounded by frozen evil, all looked lost, until the Ahkiyyinni started to shriek and claw at the air, coming no further. After several minutes of observation, it became apparent that the vile creatures could not travel far beyond the river bank, and that in their present location, our heroes were quite safe. Leaving the Ahkiyyinni behind, Razor, Hatter and Vardanov returned ski lodge for well deserved hot chocolate.
ZOMBIE-X
Zombie-Xs are creatures that defy scientific categorization. A Zombie-X is unholy hybrid of human and zombie_created through a process that will remain unmentioned. Similar to zombies, but in many ways completely different, Zombie-Xs are not subspecies but truly are pseudo-zombies. Our own Max Power, that tragic half-dead man-beast, is a Zombie-X. Zombie-Xs have pathological cravings for human brains. They do not require it for sustenance, but they are addicted to it as a part of their foul heritage. Most degrade into cannibalistic savagery, but some overcome their cravings and salvage their humanity.
SPECIAL ABILITIES:
-Zombie-Xs have super-human strength. They can lift (press) over 500 hundred pounds. They are always very tall.
-Zombie-Xs have below-average to normal intelligence. Max Power can even play chess.
-Zombie-Xs are "half-dead". This does not mean that literally half of their body is dead, but rather that they are somewhat "less-alive" than normal humans. They have no sense of taste, they cannot feel pain, and even more tragically: they cannot feel love. Max Power was once an emotionless hulk, until Sherry Anderson (THE DAMN HELICOPTER PILOT THIS MANUAL IS BOUND TO MENTION!) taught him the way.
-Zombie-Xs can pass unnoticed by other zombies. Even in a pitched bloodbath with a zombie horde, the zombies almost never go after Max.
SOCIOLOGY: Zombie-Xs feel a powerful instinctual urge to coagulate into groups. However, these groups are often temporary as the situation is very awkward and no one will be able to start up a decent conversation. Many murder innocent bystanders to eat their brains, but some have the will power to renounce their zombie heritage and embrace humanity.
WEAKNESSES: Zombie-Xs are easily frustrated by bright lights and colors and rhetorical question.
HABITAT: Zombie-Xs can be found:
-Ecking out a miserable existence in an abandoned housing project.
- Lurking around the kid's summer camp
- Hiding deep within American suburbia
-Maintaining all the bowling ball machinery that you never see but always wonder about.
ASSESSMENT:
These creatures, though often highly dangerous, are more pitiful than anything. Unaccepted by other zombies because of their fundamental differences, and totally unaccepted by humans because of their monstrous nature. Some, like Max Power, can find refuge with open-minded individuals like us at JREZHS. But others revel in their monstrousness and become mindless brain-eaters. They must be fought and destroyed. The origin of Zombie-X is unknown, but they are believed to have been first created by twisted Fifth Column experiments, the goal of which was to create zombie-like creatures to use as super-soldiers to fight Red China.
PAGUK:
The loathsome Paguk have been the bane of the Timiskaming Algonquin and Timagami Ojibwa tribes for hundreds of years. They are hideous predators of the night, undead creatures that stalk their human prey. According to Native American legend, the Paguk, or Baykok as they are sometimes known, were once a clan of hunters who became lost and starved to death. This fueled by monstrous hatred of the living. They returned to life to begin a new hunt; to murder human beings and devour their livers. The Paguk resembles a skeleton tightly wrapped in a glistening, transparent flesh. Its eyes glow like hot coals. They are fast and stealthy, working in tandem to stalk and kill human prey. They frighten humans out into the open, to cut them down with arrows. After paralyzing them with potent venom, the Paguk will slit open the torso and devour the liver, as the victim, still living, watches in horror- unable to move or even scream. Paguk will try to kill all humans who enter their homes, and will go to great lengths to slay any hunters or soldiers unlucky enough to disturb their habitat.
The Paguk cannot be destroyed be traditional zombie killing methods. Not only can they survive a decapitation or head trauma like a demonic zombie, but they are capable of rapidly regenerating themselves. The Paguk must "recharge" this fearsome ability by devouring a nutrient rich human liver. If deprived of a food source for several days, the Paguk is weakened and can be destroyed by conventional practices. It is possible that the Paguk may be related to the Ahkiyyinni, another evil undead spirit of Native American lore. They are both the reanimated spirits of warriors, but so far there has been no concrete evidence to support this theory.
SPECIAL ABILITIES:
-The Paguk are immune to disease, poison and fatigue. They feel no pain, and can shrug off massive wounds. Paguk possess remarkable healing abilities, but must consume a human liver about once a week to keep strong.
-Paguk are immune to holy artifacts of every kind. They have no fear of crucifixes, holy water, silver, Etc. Etc.
-Unlike other forms of undead, the Paguk is cunning and resourceful, intelligent enough to build traps, stalk prey, and use weapons. They are fond of arrows and war clubs.
-The Paguk's jaws generate coagulant to stop the bleeding as it devours its prey. The victim is alive and unable to move.
-Paguk have boundless energy and able to run, climb trees, dig pit traps, and even fight hand-to-hand. They have been clocked running at speeds of thirty miles an hour.
SOCIOLOGY: Paguk are constantly on the move, searching for new prey. They only stop the hunt occasionally to make more arrows or grab a new club. They stay together in packs, and work in tandem to bring down a human target. Somewhat similar to the Radioactive Zombie, they only devour a certain portion of the human body: the liver. They make no attempt to cook the liver and instead eat it on the spot. Like the Ahkiyyinni, they are bound to a certain area, and will not deviate from the Great Lakes Region.
WEAKNESSES: In order to significantly injure or kill a Paguk, it must somehow be starved of livers for at least five days. In this weakened state it will become vulnerable to conventional weapons. However, even in this state they are still very dangerous, and it is recommended that zombie hunters always work in large groups when stalking the Paguk. Although stealthy and able to blend in completely with their forest homes, the Paguk can sometimes be located by the creaking noise made by their boney joints. Flame-throwers do relatively little to the creatures since there is very little fat to burn. It is possible to Incapacitate them for a while, but they always heal. Since Paguk must be starved we advice using traps to keep them immobile for a long period then finishing them off in their weakened state. Weighted nets work well, but then you must cover the fowl beasts with rocks or anything that will keep them in place. They have been known to rip themselves apart as to be able to fit through the holes in nets. Once out they stick themselves back together and heal.*
HABITAT: Paguk can be found:
-Stalking through the Great Lakes region
-Wandering around mysterious stone structures.
- Hiding in trees and awaiting its prey
-Amongst the destroyed remains of an ancient Native American village
-Consuming your still screaming body.
ASSESSMENT:
Beware the Paguk! They are amongst the deadliest forms of undead ever to lurk the earth. Strong, fast, cunning, and easily able to survive a shotgun blast at point blank range, JREZHS has lost five elite zombie hunters to the jaws of these fiends. If you do locate a Paguk infestation, immediately evacuate the area. Then, after waiting for the Paguk to grow hungry, enter the woods with at least ten other hunters to guard your back. The famished Paguk will attack within a matter of minutes, so be prepared. Wear body armor to deflect arrowheads, and protect your liver at all costs. If possible, enter the woods from a vehicle, preferably an armored jeep or truck.
Paguk are too oddly built for most bullets to work. If you want to use a gun (and we wouldn't blame you if you did) then you've got to get a higher caliber gun so you can really blast the hell out of them. We recommend one of the bigger guns like an elephant musket or a rocket launcher. But if you really want to get the job done you've got to do it the down and dirty, hand-to-hand, old school, punk'd out, Seven Samurai, crazy like Jack Nicholson, beserker kind of way (you know the way we usually do stuff). It's best to go in with light slicer (machete is a good choice). Once you chop em up so that they're just a torso, a head, and a pile of limbs, you've got to go to your second weapon. You have to use something heavy like a sledge hammer because you really wanna smoosh them good. Or if bringing a big heavy mallet with you seems like to much work you can always use some good thick boots.
JREZHS once sent an assault team to Blood Creek Forest along Lake Michigan to investigate a possible Paguk sighting. Once there, they discovered not one, but twelve of the rampaging creatures who had been devouring local campers and hikers. In a matter of seconds Vince Stone, Kep Keller and Walter Wrath had been slain, leaving only Mary, Mistress of Madness to defeat the Paguk. Fighting them off with pick-axe and improvised Molotov cocktail, Mary managed to kill off nearly half of them before luring the remaining Paguks into the neighborhood Dojo. Thus armed with all many of deadly ninja weapons, Mary made short work of the surviving Paguk. She then collected the heads and brought them far away from the Paguk territory. The Paguk parts which remained reformed and walked hopelessly for weeks unfed before rock eagles tore them apart for the preserved marrow inside their sad bones. Mary kept the petrified finger of the last Paguk for good luck and if you ask real nicely she'll show it to you.*
4. COMBATING ZOMBIES
After reading the previous chapter, you presumably now properly understand mannerisms and characteristics of the walking dead. However, you still possess no knowledge whatsoever when it comes to actually fighting them. Knowledgeable as you are now, if you tried to tackle even a single zombie, you'd probably end up as a splattered pile of innards and entrails. You still have much to learn.
Hunting zombies is no picnic. It requires patience, determination, and strong stomachs. You've got to be quick on your feet, swift with your mind, and fast with your trigger finger. To be frank, many people just aren't cut out to be zombie hunters. It takes a certain kind of person to look a re-animated corpse in the eye and then nail em with a sledgehammer. If you are still eager to learn in spite of what you've just read, and you still feel confident that this is the job for you, then by all means, read on.
Tracking, hunting, and destroying zombies is a complicated and tricky business. In the course of your occupation you will encounter death traps, showers of flame, deadly blades, and hordes of walking dead. Needless to say you need to be prepared! This chapter deals with everything you should need to know about actually hunting zombies out in the field. It contains a detailed section on general strategies to use, and it give helpful tips on what to do in certain dangerous zombie hunting situations. Plus, we have asked each member of Jim Rageís Elite Zombie Hunting Squad to give their piece of special advice.
Although strategy and tactics are very important, a knowledge of proper weaponry is equally important. That is why we have also included a very lengthy section dealing with zombie hunting weapons, how to use them, and where to purchase them. Only a skilled zombie hunter knows what a Swanson/Micromax X-250 is, but he/she also knows where to buy one as well!
Finally we have written a basic overview of equipment we recommend you purchase before going off on your first zombie hunting job. Owning the correct equipment can be vitally important in our line of work, as you will encounter many odd problems or situations which require special tools or items. (At Jim Rages Elite Zombie Hunting Squad we never travel anywhere without our Geiger counters or flame proof gloves.)
Only once you have mastered the details within this chapter, will you be on your way to becoming a full-fledged zombie hunter. This is all important information, and we at Jim Rage's highly recommended that you familiarize yourself with it. After all, if you fail to properly understand how to hunt zombies, it's more than a simple matter of doing poor job for your employee. It's a matter of survival.*
CONDITIONING:
-Before he/she begins, a zombie hunter must in relatively good shape Although it isn't necessary that you start running marathons or bench pressing mini-vans, a zombie hunter must have good physical skills to draw upon in an emergency. We recommend that you start running laps around small buildings, or killing on a regular basis. Lifting weights, swimming, or doing pull-ups while muttering about revenge are all good ideas as well.
-It is recommended that a rookie zombie hunter adjust his/her diet as necessary. A zombie hunter must be ready and able to go for several days with nothing to eat but a few spoonfuls of dirt. In fact, due to the fact that their work deals with blood and gore every day, many zombie hunters have actually become strict vegetarians. You might wish to do the same, and focus on a diet of tofu and high-energy fruits and vegetables.
-A zombie hunter must be tough. To do this, we recommend several things:
Repeatedly watch movies of an extremely violent nature or the evening news. This will desensitize you to the violence you will encounter in the field
Record a cassette tape (or CD for you children of tomorrow) of someone saying "You're useless-you'll never amount to anything" over and over again. Listen to this tape daily and struggle against its self-esteem lowering powers. This way, you'll develop an iron will
Play air guitar vigorously to develop calluses.
Punch racks of beef while wearing gray sweatshirts.
Train yourself to be able to go without food or sleep for several days. A zombie hunter is constantly on the move, and it is common to be without provisions
-A zombie hunter must be able to keep a clear head during times of intense horror:
… Meditate often to cleanse the soul
… Study Bushido to learn concentration techniques used by the Japanese samurai
… Get a good pair of sunglasses so you won't be able to see most of the gore
… Have a good sense of humor about things*
TOOLS OF THE TRADE:
Every good zombie hunter must have an excellent knowledge of zombie hunting weapons and how to properly use them. Conditioning and strategy are helpful, but that only goes so far when you're surrounded by a horde of walking dead. This section deals with all the weapons commonly used by Jim Rageís Elite Zombie Hunting Squad, giving a brief description of the weapon and how it works, followed by tips and advice. The section is divided into three parts: close combat weapons, ranged weapons, and heavy assault weapons.
CLOSE COMBAT WEAPONS:
Close combat weapons that have no ranged effect, and must be wielded by your own hands in battle. Although many close combat weapons can be quite powerful, they tend to be ill-suited against large hordes of zombies. Generally close combat weapons should be used against lone zombies or packs of five to ten. Although close range weapons are far more fun, and a whole lot cooler. Frankly when it comes down to it we choose our trusty, quality built, easy to use, close range weapons which never run out of ammo.
When choosing your close combat weapon ask yourself some questions:
-Is it able to decapitate the zombie head or crush the skull in a single strike?
-How heavy is it? Can you attack quickly with it?
-Is it durable enough to withstand repeated use?
-Does it require any fuel/maintenance?
Finally, practice makes perfect! When you purchase a zombie killing close combat weapon, makes certain you practice every day with it. Only a true fool would charge into combat without having a proper understanding of his/her weapon. You cannot afford to miss your target out there in the field.
-Axe: (Also known as the "ax") There are many different types of axes, and they come in many different shapes and sizes. Basically an axe is a long shaft of wood acting as a handle, topped with a metal blade shaped in a curve. The blade may have a maul, pick or another blade positioned at the opposite side. Axes are commonly associated with cutting wood, and there are different types of axes for splitting, slicing, smashing, or piercing. A smaller version of an axe is called a hatchet. (See Hatchet). An axe is also a killer guitar usually used to "shred" instead of "pick", "strum", or "light on fire and play with your teethe".
Analysis: The axe's sharp blade and weight make it ideal for smashing open zombie heads at close range. It is easy to use, and efficient. However, an axe can be heavy and awkward, making it a terrible weapon for taking out a herd of zombies (for a smaller zombie hunter). Despite these problems, an axe is only surpassed by a machete when you're looking for a good weapon for taking groups of zombies. Axes can be purchased at almost any hardware/outdoors-ish store. We recommend a straight forward wood cutting axe. Battle axes with two blades are generally more then you need. You should be well practiced enough with a single bladed axe to be able to turn it to it's proper position with lighting speed. Having a lighter axe will kill you more zombies faster. We would only recommend a battle axe to someone of Guido Deathwish's (R.I.P) stature and even then it would be questionable. Too many battle axes are made to be more ornate then practical and will break easily.*
-Bicycle Chain: A bicycle chain is a long, usually lightweight, length of metal links, ending a combination lock. Although its primary purpose securing bicycles, it can be a handy zombie hunting weapon in a pinch. Generally, the bicycle chain is swung around the zombie hunter's head and whipped down upon the neck or forehead of a zombie. The impact of a spinning metal chain can have a devastating effect against the rotting body of a zombie.
Analysis: Don't let the small size of a bicycle chain fool you, in the hands of a master it can be deadly. Keep in mind however, the bicycle chain is all but useless against large groups of zombies because they will eventually break and that's a bummer. If you have time, wrapping barbed wire around the un-held parts of the chain can help lacerate the back of a zombie's neck. Bicycle chains can be purchased at most sporting goods stores or metal shops. You can also get plenty for free off of bicycles.
-Chainsaw: A chainsaw is a gas-powered electric sawing tool. It consist of a long curved piece of metal with a bladed chain running around it. A motor pulls the chain at fast speeds around the edge of the piece of metal. Chainsaws come in smaller sizes for hewing branches, but they also come in larger sizes for hewing zombies.
Analysis: The chainsaw is almost the perfect weapon to use against zombies. The spinning action of the chain allows the chainsaw to cut through objects with incredible speed. A chainsaw can be used for decapitations, dismemberment, or impaling. A skilled zombie hunter with a chainsaw can make short work of multiple zombies in a single slash. Despite it's benefits, the chainsaw does have two major flaws. One, it's heavy, which makes it difficult to swing quickly. Two, it's gas-powered, which means you might run out of fuel in a dangerous situation. A simple solution is to bring multiple containers of gas with you, or always carry a back-up weapon. Regardless, the chainsaw is an excellent zombie hunting weapon and is highly popular amongst the members of Jim Rage's Elite Zombie Hunting Squad. Chainsaws can be purchased at most hardware/power tool stores, but the only chainsaw worth getting is a STIHL. If it's not a STIHL you're pretty much killing yourself.
-Club: A club can be almost anything. Simply put, a club is a piece of metal or wood, hard enough to deliver significant punishment with repeated blows. Occasionally, a club can be improved upon by covering it with spikes or studs.
Analysis: Clubs are dirt cheap, simple to use, and effective against a lone zombie. A suitable club could be a chair leg, a crow bar, golf club, a tree branch, or a baseball bat. We at Jim Rage's prefer wooden baseball bats encrusted with nails for clubbing zombies to death.
-Crowbar: The crowbar is a 2-3 foot long cast-iron demolition tool. With it's curved, toothy bite at one end, the crowbar is an excellent combination of the piercing and the smashing weapon. Plus, it is immensely satisfying to use a crowbar to bash in a zombie's head.
Analysis: The crowbar is usually not that heavy and it's curved bite is terrific for smashing zombie skulls, or stabbing zombie brains through the eye socket. As with all heavy weapons, build up your arm muscles and practice using a crowbar before hand. Place emphasis on aim, remember; you may not get a chance at a second swing. Also, the Crowbar is quite useful if you have any construction/demolition projects that need to be done around the house while your killing zombies. Crowbars can be purchased at most hardware stores or blacksmiths.
-Electrified axes/swords: Swords or axes that have been electrified by a small portable battery. The wielder is shielded from electrocution by plastic hand guard and several layers of rubber insulation around the handle. When used like a normal axe, or a sword, it discharges around 900,000 volts of electricity, enough to severely burn any zombie.
Analysis: Although very popular in the 80's, electrified weapons have nearly disappeared. The reason is very simple; more often than not they fry the zombie hunter along with the zombie. If you do decide to purchase and electrified weapon, make sure you buy it from a distinguishing electric weapons company instead of a fringe weapons shop. Before purchasing, make certain the handle grip is well insulated, the battery is in working condition, and make certain that the wires are new and un-frayed. Avoid using electrified weapons against water-logged zombies for obvious reasons.
-Hatchet: The Hatchet is basically a mini-axe, with a much lighter blade and a much shorter handle. Hatchets are made primarily for training branches and splitting firewood, and come in many shapes and sizes.
Analysis: Thought seriously impaired in the reach department, the hatchet is nasty piece of work for decapitating zombies. Not as good as the machete, but still a good choice a backup weapon. With a bit of practice it can also become a highly effective throwing weapon.
-Katanna: The katanna is a razor sharp sword with a long thin blade. The blade is about four to five feet long and has a handle about one foot long. Leather straps are woven around the handle, capped with a bronze or iron tip. A bronze or iron guard protects the hand from slipping onto the blade. Though long and strong, the metal blade is remarkably light weight.
Analysis: Quiet, lightweight, and very sharp, a katana is remarkably useful in dealing with small groups, but is useless in dispatching packs (unless the pack can be dispersed). Use common sense when wielding a katana, no stupid ninja tricks. You can cut your thumbs off doing that.
-Knife: The knife is a small blade which can be used to slash at the neck and head of a zombie. Butcher knives are the most effective. Bowie knives might look lethal, but they are too small to be off any use.
Analysis: Like all bladed weapons, a knife should not be used when up against an entire pack of zombies. It is not even that useful against one zombie, so only use a knife when that is all you have.
-Machete: The machete is wide metal sword of about two and a half feet in length, with a handgrip. It is razor sharp and commonly used for slicing through heavy brush. It can be swung easily with one hand.
Analysis: Debatably the best close combat weapon money can buy, the machete is razor sharp, lightweight and easily affordable. It can stab in a pinch, but it's true strength is slashing. Use for dismembering limbs or decapitating with swift strokes.
-Sai: A Japanese weapon, the Sai is a three-pronged dagger. The prongs are not blades per se, rather sharp points meant for stabbing. The central prong is typically nine inches long, and the two shorter prongs are about five inches long.
Analysis: The Sai is far more useful than an ordinary knife is dispatching zombies, due to it's terrific ability as a piercing weapon. If aiming for a temple or an eye socket, a quick jab of a Sai can destroy a zombie by penetrating the brain. However, this takes skill to use, and it is still dangerous to attempt to get so close to a zombie. Also, a good Sai can be very hard to find. You may wish to substitute a WWI trench spike instead for the same effect.
-Sledgehammer: The sledgehammer is a heavy rectangle shaped piece of steel or iron, attached to a three foot long heavy shaft. It is swung like a axe.
Analysis: Immortalized in the Peter Gabriel song of the same name, the sledgehammer is classic example of the "all or nothing" weapon. On one side, it can obliterate the average skull of a zombie with ease, and is capable of crippling or maiming a zombie with a single blow. However, it is heavy, cumbersome, and very hard to aim or hit a moving target. If you do decide to stick with a sledgehammer, use caution, practice hitting targets often, and build up your arm muscles so your can strike quickly. Also, wear gloves, because you"re likely to develop some nasty blisters in those first few weeks. In a squeeze a sledge hammer can be used as a ram to push zombies away, but this should only be used defensively.
-Spear: The spear is essentially a metal pointy bit on the end of a long shaft of metal or wood. They come many sizes and shapes.
Analysis: The Spear is useless for decapitating are skull-crushing, so it is a poor idea to rely on one for a primary tool. It can however, keep back several zombies, as the zombie hunter jabs at face/eyes from a safe distance. If a few members use them to keep the zombies at bay other hunters can bide their time for the right moment to leap in and strike. If aimed properly, it can kill a zombie by penetrating the soft area of the eye socket or temple and piercing the brain. However, this is hard to do and not recommended.*
-Weedwacker: The Weedwacker is a gas-powered hedge trimming tool, that a rotates a length of plastic whipcord or a steel razor blade at high speeds to saw through roots and grasses. Most Weedwackers are somewhat heavy and require a shoulder strap, but they usually have a nice four to six foot reach.
Analysis: A Weedwacker can be your best friends against small packs of zombies, but requires a bit of skill. First, always abandon the whipcord in favor of the razor blade, it is far more capable of slicing through rotten zombie flesh. Secondly, the weedwacker's motor is heavy and takes practices to haul the entire unit with you while on the move. Fortunately, the "danger end" is lightweight and it is easy to move it quickly from one target to another. Treat the Weedwacker like a scythe, slash horizontally onto zombie necks to quickly decapitate. Don't go too crazy though. Let the machine do the work. If you go in swinging hard you'll break it, and then you'll die. Finally, a word of caution, when using a Weedwacker always carry backup fuel, you DO NOT want to run out in an emergency!
RANGED COMBAT WEAPONS:
Ranged weapons are weapons that can strike from a distance, giving them a distinct edge over close combat weapons. This does not mean however, that they are not without their own distinct problems. Most ranged weapons rely on some sort of ammunition, which means there is a possibility of running out of shots on the field. Don't allow this to happen! Always carry enough ammo to reload several times, be it extra bullets or more crossbow bolts.
-Remember, to kill a zombie you must destroy the brain and or/ head. This is hard to do at a distance! Practice constantly to improve you aim, shooting galleries and target practices are both good ideas.
-After acquiring some variety of firearm most people tend to get a little "gung-ho," (crazy) and will come under the misapprehension that given enough ammo they too can become an urban warrior and "rock and roll." To carry a loud, destructive gun does not make you invulnerable, nor does it give you an excuse to act like a moron and not use safety precautions. Respect local firearm regulations and maintain common sense when wielding a gun.
-Boomerang: The boomerang is a curved throwing stick designed in such a way that it will return to the thrower if it misses the target. They are lightweight and relatively easy to use.
Analysis: The advantage of having a returning weapon cannot be denied, but alas the lethalness of the boomerang is often severely lacking. Most boomerangs are kid's toys, made from lightweight wood, and would have no real effect against a zombie. If a boomerang as a weapon strikes your fancy, it is best to consult a weapon smith and have one custom made, preferably from razor sharp, lightweight aluminum.*
-Crossbow: Like a primitive combination of a rifle and a bow, the crossbow is a trigger activated bolt throwing machine that can be carried with both arms like a rifle. The taut bowstring of a crossbow can hurl a bolt over a quarter of mile, and is more that capable of sending a barbed projectile clean through a zombie skull. Most crossbows tend to be heavy and must be carried as a primary weapon. Lighter hand-held crossbows exist, but possess diminished range, accuracy and power.
Analysis: The crossbow is a superb weapon for picking small groups of zombies from afar. Although cumbersome and long to reload, the crossbow does good damage, is quiet, and has great range. Crossbows can be acquired at most hunting goods stores and some have the option for a telescopic sight. Remember however, the crossbow may be fine sniper's weapon, but is useless against packs.
-Dynamite: Dynamite is a generic term referring to an industrial explosive. These explosives typically come in sticks with times fuses or equipment to detonate remotely.
Analysis: Military explosives tend to kill via shrapnel, which will have little effect on a zombie, so with dynamite you literately get "more bang for your buck." Although in an emergency dynamite can serve as a grenade-like throwing explosive, the work best in traps. Bait an area with raw meat or, if you're certain the subject can get away in time, human bait. Then trap the area with lots of explosives, wait for the zombies to approach, and blow them all to kingdom come.
-Grenades: As discussed above, grenades and the like are small explosives designed to kill with lots and lots of anti-personnel shrapnel.
Analysis: Don't waste time and money acquiring grenades, they are woefully useless against the walking dead. Multiple shrapnel wounds may kill a human being easily, but will not stop a zombie at all.
-Molotov Cocktail: A Molotov cocktail is a term applying to a primitive firebomb, a glass bottle filled with a flammable substance and a wad of cloth to serve as a fuse.
Analysis: Such cocktails are easy to make, and effective if you can trap a group of zombies in an enclosed area. Bombard them with cocktails until there is nothing left but smoldering scum.
-Pistols: Small handguns that come a variety of shapes, sizes, and calibers.
Analysis: Ask any one of the thousands of gun nuts what to do when the going gets tough and they'll tell you in the blink of an eye. Whip out their trusty Baretta M92F and start shooting! Fact is, handguns are not very useful as a primary weapon. They lack the range and power of other weapons, and are very hard to aim in the heat of battle. Still, they can make a useful back up weapon should your "Plan A" fail and the zombies get to close. A shot to the forehead can kill a zombie before it has time to bite or claw you.
-Rifle: The rifle can be bolt or lever action, and is built with a long muzzle and a stock. Rifles can do more damage and have greater range then handguns
Analysis: A simple rifle is an excellent anti-zombie weapon and is a staple among many zombie hunting squads. Armed with a rifle, a zombie hunter can pick off several zombies from far away. If possible find a combat rifle as your weapon and purchase a telescopic sight for better accuracy. Combat rifles are stronger built and can be swung like a club if the going gets tough. The German Mauser Kar 98k is a good choice. Practice often with your rifle and keep it cleaned and loaded.
-Semi-Automatic Rifle: Like a combat rifle, with the option for full auto or three shot bursts. The Semi-automatic can fire more bullets than a rifle, but is lighter and often more accurate than an assault rifle or a machine gun.
Analysis: The problem with machine guns and the like is that due to the small target area to score a kill, (The head and neck.) ammunition is usually wasted. However, more bullets expelled from a gun, means you can cause more damage faster. How can you find a happy medium? Chose a semi-automatic. Like a normal combat rifle, with options for three-shell bursts or full auto, the semi-automatic can be both accurate and fast. Little ammunition is wasted, and zombies can be killed quickly and efficiently. Plus, most semi-automatic rifles, such as the M1 Carbine, are lightweight with short muzzles, making them perfect for long periods of travel.
-Shotgun: There many different types of shotguns, and can fire solid slugs or buckshot. Shotguns can be lever or pump action, and can often be double-barreled. Though, most shotguns lack the range of a rifle, they can fire buckshot at close range and do a terrific amount of damage.
Analysis: The Shotgun is not a very efficient long range weapon. The dispersal of the shot at longer distances decreases the chance for skull penetration necessary to kill a zombie. However, the shot acts as a wall, doing damage to everything in a radius, when a normal bullet might miss altogether. At closer range, single shot from a shotgun can do massive damage to several zombies, maiming if not killing outright. Because of this, the shotgun is an exceptional weapon when cornered by zombies, retreating from a zombie pack, or facing numerous zombies at close range.
-Spear gun: A rifle like mechanism, that can fire a long, barbed projectile usually trailed by a length of rope or steel cable. The spear is launched by compressed gas, and only one spear can be fired at a time.
Analysis: Unwieldy, inaccurate, and heavy, the spear gun is actually better used against vampires than zombies. (See Vampires) Still, they can be useful in spearing underwater zombies. The impaled undead can then be reeled up for proper disposal.
-Sub-Machine-gun: Created as a hand held version of the heavy machine gun, the sub-machinegun can fire single shot or full auto. Most submachine guns are built with a short barrel and a folding stock and usually fairly lightweight.
Analysis: The submachine gun is not a fairly practical zombie hunting weapon. It does not possess good range, and as mentioned above the full auto option usually just wastes bullets. They can make a decent weapon of last resort, but don't go out of your way to acquire one.
-Shuriken: Star shaped throwing blades used by masters of the Japanese fighting art Ninjitsu, the fighting art that combines all other fighting arts.
Analysis: If you happen to be a ninja, or at least trained in throwing Shuriken, you're all set. If you're among the 98% of the population that cannot hurl throwing stars, don't waste your money on Shuriken.*
5. SPECIAL CASES:
There are a few zombies who have been so difficult to exterminate, they have gone down in JREZHS history. Fortunately, JREZHS succeeded in ultimately destroying most of them, but there are a few unaccounted for. Listed here are some of the most notorious. The names were given to them by the Elite Zombie Hunters who dealt them.
BARON SAMADI
-Status: Exterminated
-Physical characteristics: Tall, extremely thin body, with bald head and deep yellow eyes. Wore necklace of human finger bones and had a deep, intimidating laugh. Carried a staff adorned with the head of Craig Carnage.
-Type: Voodoo Zombie-Lord
-History: A Haitian immigrant and owner of the Sweet Loa House of Gumbo, Baron Samadi was in fact dabbling in voodoo magic, and was possessed by the grim desire to become an avatar of walking death. He killed JREZHS agent Craig Carnage and used his head in the creation of several voodoo zombies, using them to terrorize Stratford, Vermont. However, he had not counted upon the timely arrival of Doc Juju and his Extreme Troop of Astonishing Zombie Fighters, who had come to oversee the destruction of the legendary Skull of Kulan-Gath-Amon. With the aid of JREZHS, Doc made short work of the voodoo zombies until the Baron was killed himself and arose again as a fearsome Zombie-Lord. It was then that the good Baron made his second mistake, for as luck would have it Angus McTavish's ramshackle gang of Zombie Smashers, Lu-Xaioís 死んだ人々のキラーの立派なグループ(or "Honorable Clan of Ghoul Slayers"), and Jean-Pierre Coustau's "Bataillon D'excellents Intellectuels de Massacre de Zombi" were meeting only a few miles away at JREZHS H.Q. The Baron could withstand the fury of two zombie hunting squadrons, but was defeated easily in combat with five. Compliments were exchanged, and thanks were given, and everyone retired to the nearest Village Pizza for a delightful repast.
Note: Baron Samadi must not be confused with the Fifth column agent known only as "The Baron"
BUBBLES T. CLOWN
-Status: At large
-Physical characteristics: Dirty clown make-up on face, white glowing eyes, bald, yellow bowler hat, blue-and-yellow clown costume, enormous red shoes,
-Type: Demonic zombie
-History: No one knows what hell Bubbles the Clown came from, and no one wants to know. Found attacking a drive-in theatre after their accidental showing of the Satanically charged "Shadows of the Devil" horror movie, Bubbles was perhaps the most gruesome Demonic zombie ever encountered. With its hideous demonic laughter and the screw-driver it used to eviscerate its victims. The then-novice Alice Walker was sent along with Guido ""Deathwish" Castiglione to exterminate the vile zombies and save the innocent drive-in goers. Alice, armed with an AK-47, discovered Bubbles making balloon animals from intestines behind the snack-bar. Noticing the approaching Elite Zombie Hunter, Bubbles rose and stabbed Alice in the shoulder with the screwdriver. Alice went a little crazy then, and mowed down Bubbles in a maelstrom of gunfire. Only his head remained, giggled madly and repeatedly saying "I'll swallow your soul!" She later personally exterminated every single demonic zombie in the place, and incinerated the remains with napalm. The head which has still not been found occasionally enters Alice's dreams to show her the mayhem he is still inflicting. Ever since, Alice has suffered from a crippling phobia of both clowns and screwdrivers.
THE CARHART MONSTER
-Status: Exterminated
-Physical characteristics: Long shaggy brown hair, opaque safety glasses, hardhat, torn respirator, rubber gloves, massive body, tremendous strength.
-Type: Cursed Zombie
-History: The Carhart Monster was thought to be a toxic zombie discovered in a construction site by JREZHS agent Just Incredible. When he set foot upon the ground he was suddenly drained of all his strength but nearly escaped the clutches of doom. The local historical society informed Just-In that the site was atop an indian burial ground. The historian then proceeded to tell him about roads which no longer exist in the town. This one sided conversation continued for upwards of three hours. Holly Hell-yeah (mega cowgirl) was contacted to help out knowing that any western associated person would be immune to any Native American hoo ha. The duo entered the site and they were indeed immune. They slaughtered many a zombie but the meanest of all was "The Carhart Monster". Judging by its attire, the zombie was most certainly one of the construction workers, and had only recently devoured many of the crew. Frenzied by nicotine, the two zombie hunters made short work of the hulking brute, pureeing his head with a nearby circular saw.
THE GARBAGE MAN
-Status: Exterminated
-Physical characteristics: Tall, massive body (approx. 6¼ 11¾), long mangy hair, missing teeth, ragged uniform with words "Bradford Sanita..." recognizable on it. Carried trash can.
-Type: Radioactive Zombie
-History: Garbage Man was a radioactive pack leader zombie who was one of the many zombies who arose from the Bradford City sewers to devour the flesh of the living. Judging by the ragged remains of its uniform, Garbage Man belonged to Bradford's sanitation department before it died and became a zombie. Garbage Man displayed a frightening degree of intelligence, quite uncommon for zombies. Garbage Man lugged around a rusting trash-can, in which he kept the heads of recent victims. When in times of little food, Garbage Man would feast upon the brains he had brought with him. He was responsible for the known deaths of forty-eight civilians, as well as Elite Zombie Hunters Dan Devastator, Jack Speed, Jon Tierney. Garbage Man was finally exterminated when Elite Zombie Hunter Alice Thompson knocked it off balance and into a blast furnace. Garbage Man's skull is currently used as bookend at JREZHS H.Q.
GLEN THADDEUS PAGE
-Status: Exterminated
-Physical characteristics: Piercing stare, shaggy beard, receding hairline, broken glasses, body draped in cables and wires, smashed left foot.
-Type: Biohazard zombie
-History: Glen T. Page, former Technical System Supervisor for a high school, was a research scientist employed by the government to monitor the entire internet in search of criminal enterprises and communications. Working at a secluded government research base with Joe "Madman" Seppi, the two were present when the base was infected by a hideous viral pathogen accidentally released in the genetics ward. Escape was impossible, as the computerized security network that Page had designed for the base went haywire due to a server error and promptly locked everyone inside. Taunted by the computer's eerie hologram manifestation as a little girl with a British accent, Page panicked and shot Seppi. Page submerged deeper and deeper into madness, coiling himself in his own Apple computer components. He ultimately succumbed to the virus. Months later, the base was stormed by Rye Crofter. Crofter, upon encountering the twisted mockery of man that was Glen Page, promptly blasted him with a flame thrower.
MR. GORDON FISHERMAN
-Status: Exterminated.
-Physical Characteristics: Clad in plastic yellow raincoat and southwester . Pale gray skin, yellow teeth, glowing green eyes. Long tangled beard. Missing left hand, has hook.
-Type: Radioactive Zombie
-History: "Mr. Gordon Fisherman" was discovered near the wreck of the Salty Queen off the coast of New Hampshire. Zombified by the radioactive fuel of a sunken soviet submarine, Mr. Gordon Fisherman was the pack leader of many drowned ghouls that rose from the depths to rampage the coastal town of Fair Haven. Only a small reserve squad consisting of Drew Parazynski, Frank Gritt and Hanz Irontheighs was located nearby, all reinforcements having been cut off by a sudden "storm of the century". The squad was further hindered by the destruction of Hanz's Panzer Tank, the only heavy assault weapon in the area. The group was taken off guard by zombies emerging from the local sewers, and was short on both ammunition and gasoline by the time the more dangerous threat of Mr. Gordon appeared. All seemed lost, until Frank and Drew lured Mr. Gordon to the Pepperland Fishstick Co. using Frank as human bait. Knocked off balance with Drew's bicycle chain, the salt-water horror was transformed to puree by the sophisticated fish grinding machinery. The resulting zombie bits were brought to JREZHSís HQ and were incinerated.
HARVEY GRUNDY
-Status: Believed to still be at large
-Physical characteristics: Radioactive zombie with dull green discolored skin, missing eye, trench-coat, fedora, pinstripe suit.
-Type: Radioactive zombie
-History: A private investigator from Chicago, Grundy was hired by one Julia Van Stratten to locate her husband Marcus, who had gone missing while visiting South Burlington. There, Grundy clashed with the JREZHS agent called The Mad Hatter, who was investigating various zombie sightings. After much argument, Grundy was rescued by the Hatter after an encounter with a zombie-barber with a strait-razor. The two forged an alliance and discovered a sinister plot by a nefarious organization called the Cult of the Holy Necrosis to employ radioactive fuel rods stolen from the Vermont Yankee Nuclear Power Plant to raise the dead. Tracing a cultist back to a network of tunnels beneath the Burlington sewers, Grundy and Hatter battled against the cultists and their undead horde. Unfortunately, mirroring the tragedy of the Joe Deffner Case, Grundy was overwhelmed by the zombies and heavy radiation. His last words were "I always get to the bottom of the case." He fell only to rise again as one of them. The Mad Hatter used 13 stolen cases of dynamite to destroy the caverns and escaped in his air-ship. However, JREZHS remains uncertain if Grundy was destroyed in the blast, or whether he still lurks beneath the streets of Burlington waiting for new flesh.
HATCHET HEAD
-Status: Mangled body sealed within seventeen feet of concrete.
-Physical characteristics: Gaunt, burning red eyes, lips rotted away revealing teeth, torn remains of plaid shirt and overalls, small hatchet buried in head.
-Type: Demonic Zombie
-History: "Hatchet Head" was discovered encased in the mud when they drained the heavily polluted Blue Pond in Blue Springs, Vermont. The draining of the pond was to make way for a new Subway restaurant. Hatchet Head's presence greatly halted progress and the construction firm called in JREZHS. Thorn Hammerfall and Hanz Irontheighs were sent in and found to their horror that Hatchet Head was one of the Hungry Dead. After the explosion of a dump truck, the collision of two bulldozers with each other, and an exchange of several harsh words, Thorn and Hanz finally managed to reduce Hatchet Head to a pile of unconnected body parts. They then placed the parts within a fireproof lock-box and sealed that within the concrete foundation of the Subway. The entire area was blessed by a Rabbi to cancel any demonic effects the zombie might have caused.
HEADLESS STEVE
-Status: Head, exterminated. Body, still at large.
-Physical characteristics: Demonic zombie with blistering red skin and bulging yellow veins. Clad in brown business suit and stripped tie. Missing head.
-Type: Demonic Zombie
-History: One of the dozens of zombies created when an ancient copy of the Necronomicon fell into the hands of an antiques collector. "Headless Steve" had become the pack leader of a group of twenty hungry dead, and was marching upon the thriving metropolis of Barre, Vermont. The leader Steve seemed to spout commands which were just jargon about Coca-Cola (we assume so sort of faint remnant from a mundane life). After hearing reports of walking corpses entering the Barre/Montpelier area, JREZHS responded immediately by sending Peter Fury, Max Power, Johnny Wander and Brock Ironside. Meeting powerful resistance, our boys were forced to use desperate tactics, and lured the pack into a TNT rigged gas station. The resulting explosion destroyed the swarm of zombies, but their pack leader Steve, who had been unfortunately shielded by 2004 Toyota F150 that was conveniently placed in the parking lot. With Max and Peter having been winded by the explosion and Johnny mildly busy with several shrapnel wounds , only Brock Ironside was left to deal with the ravaging pack leader. Brock was fortunate enough to decapitate Steve with a well-thrown machete, but was unable to pursue the still-living body, which tumbled down the riverbank. The head was subsequently incinerated, but the body remains dangerous and presumably mobile.
THE JONES FAMILY
-Status: Exterminated
-Physical characteristics:
Mr. Jones: Split jaw, missing hands, sweater-vest
Mrs. Jones: Lips and nose gnawed off, "beehive" hair-cut, pearl necklace
Janey Jones: No eyes, carries dog skeleton
-Type: Radioactive zombies
-History: On a routine expedition into White River Junction, JREZHS agents Johnny Wander and Max Power discovered a mysterious grill hidden beneath a inoperable car. Once Max had moved the car with his great strength and had torn up the grill, they discovered a long-disused tunnel leading underground. Upon further investigation, the Deadly Duo discovered it was all part of a nuclear fall-out shelter, unopened since 1962, owned by The Jones. Following the tunnels, they found a long-since-emptied food larder, with drained Campbell soup cans littering the floor. Going deeper into the shelter, Johnny Wander was attacked by the re-animated corpse of Mrs. Jones. Johnny (calm, cool, collected), immediately fired off blasts with his shotgun, severing the top half of Mrs. Jones from his legs. While her feet twitched and spasmed, Mrs. Jones grabbed Johnny by the legs and tripped him to the concrete floor. Max rushed to his aid and fired several shots, only to have them ricochet and hit a water mane. Knocked back by the resulting burst of water, Max slammed his head against the low concrete ceiling and fell unconscious. Johnny wrestled with the legless Mrs. Jones, only have his curses summon forth the rest of the family. While Mr. Jones attempted to seize Johnny's head and devour his brains, Janey started to gnaw off his left thumb. Gritting his teeth, Johnny reached into the pocket of his denim police-officer-style trousers and brought forth a large WWII era concussion grenade. Mr. Jones's grip on his cranium ever increasing, the water slowly filling the chamber, and his left thumb dangling by a flab of torn flesh, Johnny pulled the pin from the grenade and hurled it the concrete wall. The grenade exploded, and both Johnny, Max, and everything else was flushed out into the central sewer system, confirming Johnny's theory. Johnny managed to grab hold to a nearby pipe, and once the flow had died down, climbed back to the surface. Max Power was later found in the White River, and was basically fine except for a mild headache. The Jones' rotting bodies were destroyed in the grenade blast. After the battle Max Power and Johnny Wander laughed at the burned remains of a strip-club which had been built over the battle site and then left.
LUTHER
-Status: At large
-Physical characteristics: Very tall, musty tuxedo, torn lip, yellowy eyes, green/gray skin, brown discolored gums and lips,
-Type: Voodoo zombie
-History: Once a mild-mannered taxidermist, Luther perished at the hands of a Boston area Houngan named Papa Omega who then resurrected his corpse to serve him as a mindless slave. Luther was sent to murder members of THE COUNCIL, the ruthless criminal organization that rules Boston. One by one, COUNCIL members were found strangled to death. Fortunately, Mary the Mistress of Madness was on the case. Quickly, the Mad Mistress discovered trace fibers corresponding with the hair of the jackalope, a well-known taxidermy creation created through a combination of deer and rabbit parts. Knowing that only one taxidermist in Boston still manufactured jackalope, Mary beat feat to Luther's taxidermy shop. There, she discovered the place was still in a state of disarray, as if it had been ransacked. Combing the area for evidence in a manner popularized by cheesy forensic investigation crime shows on television, Mary immediately recognized the unmistakable odor of Voodoo Zombie Poison. She flipped through Luther's rolodex in search of clues, and found the address and phone number of one James Omega, a jazz guitarist. It was then that agents of THE COUNCIL burst in on the scene, but they were quickly dispatched by Mary's cyborg skills.
Alerted to the seriousness of the situation by the presence of THE COUNCIL, the Mad Mistress leapt into the nearest taxi cab and headed to Omega's place. Smashing through a plate glass window, she discovered Omega was busy preparing a poison brew to murder the rest of THE COUNCIL members. Mary was forced to do battle with the monstrous Luther, and after an exhaustive fight managed to push Luther out of the apartment window and into a garbage truck. Luther's reanimated body was carted to the ocean and dumped into a garbage scow. Currently, Luther is buried under five tons of garbage in a New Jersey landfill. Whether he'll climb out is unknown.
DR. PARSON KNOWLES III
-Status: Exterminated
-Physical Characters: Pink discolored skin, watery green eyes, rotting teeth, arm replaced with prosthetic claw.
-Type: Biohazard Zombie
-History: Dr. Parson Knowles was a former surgeon and later the head of the Science department of a Massachusetts college, the name of which we are not at liberty to mention. Son of the mysterious Parson Knowles II, grandson of the infamous grave-robber Parson Knowles I, Knowles was a close personal friend of Jim Rage back in the fifties, who according to rumor once taught at the same college. Both Rage and Knowles both were renowned experts of the undead, but they disagreed on many fundamental issues. While Rage firmly believed the undead had to be wiped off the face of the planet, Knowles thought zombies contained the secrets of immortality. His experimentation with captive zombies was extremely dangerous and resulted in the loss of his arm, which was replaced with a plastic and stainless steel prosthetic. He was fired for reckless endangerment and Jim Rage disposed of the zombies single-handedly. He recorded the sum total of his knowledge into a journal and buried it in Hanover, New Hampshire.
In the early eighties, Knowles used illegal methods to obtain a sample of a certain virus from a deranged former government scientist named Prof. Henry Thripshaw. Knowles then murdered Thripshaw to leave no witnesses behind. He then moved to Blue Springs, Vermont. There, Knowles set up the Institute for Mortality Studies under the auspices of the "Life Extension Foundation." Under the false pretence that they were attempting the cryogenically freeze corpses, Knowles took the bodies of the recently deceased and injected them with the disease. He found that the corpses always rose again as a zombie. Soon, his goals changed to world conquest, hoping to use an army of zombies to take over the entire planet. However, Johnny Wander had previously infiltrated the Institute using the false alias of "Eli Wood." Wander fought valiantly against Knowles and his army of Biohazard Zombies, and managed to defeat Knowles via a shotgun blast to the chest. However, before Knowles died, he became infected and rose again as a zombie and joined the horde he had created. Soon zombies overran the entire Institute. Johnny called in back up, and was joined by The Mad Hatter, Max Power, Just Incredible, and Dirk Razor. Despite their efforts, the zombies escaped the Institute and began a reign of terror in Blue Springs. Knowles wandered off and infected others, creating more packs of zombies. Every member of Jim Rage Elite Zombie Hunting Squad was called in to battle the horde-in a war lasting three months. The National Guard cordoned off Blue Springs, trapping the survivors and valiant Elite Zombie Hunters within the town. Finally, the Elite Zombie Hunters were forced to retreat to JREZHS H.Q. with the only five survivors, the building under siege by zombies. The battle finally ended with the Elite Zombie Hunters and the survivors escaped through tunnels, and the Pentagon bombed Blue Springs with a small nuclear bomb. Knowles and the other zombies he created were incinerated in the blast, the intense heat sanitizing the entire area of the disease, but opening a whole new can of worms. Radioactive worms!
THE PETRIFIED MAN
-Status: At Large.
-Physical Characteristics: Eight-foot tall skeletal zombie with iron gray skin and long yellow teeth.
-Type: Normal zombie type.
-History: "The Petrified Man" was found within a crate in a secret sub-basement of the Daniels Agricultural Science Building. Presumably the zombie was thought to have been a normal cadaver and was brought to the Science Building for dissection purposes by Prof. Gary "the Wrangler" Engler. However, it was forgotten about and was left locked within the sub-basement. Recently some over-inquisitive students of the Thetford Academy of Higher Learning accidentally discovered and released the undead abomination. Free after so many years, the Petrified Man went on a flesh-eating massacre and swiftly assembled a large pack of zombies. Fortunately, several Elite Zombie Hunters were on call, including Ben Parazynski, the Mad Hatter and Johnny Wander. The Petrified Man proved remarkably dangerous, its pack having grown into to the ten-to-twenties range. While most of the pack was wiped out, the Petrified Man escaped into the underground tunnels beneath the Science building. The tunnels have been blocked off, but is unknown if the Petrified Man will return.
ROAD-RASH (aka "The Motor Psycho")
-Status: At large
-Physical characteristics: Gray mohawk, burnt blue rotting skin, red eyes, no nose, satanic tattoos, brass ring in nose, leather-jacket with large patch saying "Speed Kills."
-Type: Biker zombie
-History: no zombie has ever so disrupted our operations than Road-Rash, the biker zombie. Once a member of the Hell's Angels motorcycle enthusiast guild, Road-Rash took a head-on collision with a truck carrying barrels of radioactive waste. The driver of the truck panicked and sped away into the night, leaving Road-Rashís mangled body lying in a pool of phosphorescent radioactive brew. In the morning, Road-Rash awoke of one of the undead, and retrieving his still-functioning "hog" from the ditch, set out to feast upon human brains. Upon hearing of his massacre at Fort Louís Diner, and his growing zombie horde, Thorn Hammerfall and Hanz Ironthighs set out the dispatch him Although Hanz's panzer tank was efficient in destroying Road-Rash's biker horde, the malevolent mobile corpse proved to be quite slippery and escaped.
Three years later, Road-Rash was captured by Dr. Parson Knowles IV and experimented upon at Knowles subterranean hideout beneath the Bagel Basement. It was there that Knowles studied Road-Rash's curious ability to use tools and weapons, and also taught Road-Rash rudimentary speech capacity. Road-Rash was discovered in a chamber awkwardly fixing his motorcycle when JREZHS burst into Knowles's lair. Armed with a lug wrench, Road-Rash hurled the metal hunk through the torso of Toad-Eating Yes Man Dwayne Bryant, killing him instantly. JREZHS member Max Power, discovering the undead biker feasting upon Bryant's pulverized gray matter, immediately engaged him in combat. Hardened by the death of his true love, Sherry Anderson (the best goddamn helicopter pilot we've ever had), Power was truly a force to be reckoned with. In the ensuing battle, Road-Rash had three fingers bitten off, his nose torn away, and his liver ripped out. Finally, Power seized the twitching zombie and hurled him deep into Dr. Knowles furnace.
But this was not the end of Road-Rash. Clinging to a metal pipe, Road-Rash escaped with only slightly cooked organs. He then clawed and scrapped his way up to the surface, tearing his way out of the floor in the middle of the Dartmouth Book Store. The already failing business was in no way able to defend itself against a vicious biker zombie and all employees had their brains devoured. Fortunately motorcycle-ridin' JREZHS agent Brock Ironside was on the scene, and showed the rotting road-warrior the true meaning of pain. Whether of not Road-Rash will return remains to be seen.
TEX MONTANA
-Status: Exterminated.
-Physical characteristics: Cowboy hat and boots, "God Bless Texas" belt-buckle, square jaw, swaggering walk, snakeskin belt,
-Type: Toxic Zombie
-History: Hanz Ironthighs is a man of compassion and love. But, like all of us, he is still mostly human and not without his hatreds. Hanz Ironthighs loathes and despises Texas. This is fairly natural, as Texas is a terrible place of stupid culture and poor command of the English language. But for Hanz, it runs deeper. This, the story of Tex Montana, is why.
On July 4th, 1992, Hanz was enjoying himself in San Antonio, driving leisurely with his panzer tank through the desert countryside. Running low on fuel, he stopped by in a little town called Hell. This he would regret for the rest of his days. For the quaint village of Hell was also the home of a Genechem Amalgamate (a famous chemical conglomerate and corporate enemy of OmniCorp) chemical plant. Hours before, the plant had exploded into flames due to the drunken revelry of factory manager Tex Montana, sending several tons of Genechem's new beauty-aid product Regenerex into the atmosphere. The phosphorescent yellow gas poisoned the entire population of Hell, only to bring them back as the Undead.
Hanz, upon refueling his tank outside Big Jim's Gas and Diner, entered the diner to discover the simplified inhabitants clawing to get out. Trapped, and without his tank, Hanz was forced into a bloody battle involving a deep-fat-frier.
THANOSAURUS-REX
-Status: Exterminated
-Physical characteristics: Incredibly well preserved zombie tyrannosaurus-rex, 14 feet high and weighing many tons. Razor-sharp claws, and gigantic fangs. Very fast and incredibly strong. KILLING MACHINE.
-Type: Radioactive reptilian zombie.
-History: During the infamous "Big Dig" project in Boston, Massachusetts, a huge cavern was uncovered, extending miles beneath the earth's surface. Construction workers immediately contacted Boston's scientific community, who discovered a fully intact corpse of a tyrannosaurus-rex frozen in the icy sludge. They excavated the creature and brought it to the Boston Natural History Museum.
At the same time, the "Doomsday Comet" came unusually close to earth as part of its 65 million year elliptical orbit. The comet, a portion of which broke off multiple millennia ago and killed off the dinosaurs, was highly radioactive, and this radiation inexplicably re-animated the t-rex. The loathsome zombie dinosaur, now called "Thanosaurus-Rex," escaped from its display and went on a rampage through the streets of the city, devouring the brains of 42 civilians and five police officers. Upon hearing news of the orgy of brain-eating madness on NPR, JREZHS member Zacariah "Carvin" Kervin hopped a train to Boston to slay the beast. The fight stretched on for many days, eventually moving to Mexico City. Finally, after a supreme effort, Carvin' Kervin managed to dispatch the foul monstrosity, as well as the numerous zombies its radiation re-animated.
Note: It is believed by JREZHS that the Fifth Column had a role in the Thanosaur's rampage. Senior Investigative Reporter for the Boston Globe, Dick Weston, contacted JREZHS agent Baxter Black (who was later attacked by ninjas) during the beginning of the carnage to write an article detailing the attack, but later mysteriously disappeared. A mock-up of the article was all that remains, with JREZHS having the only remaining copy.
6. THE LOST MATERIAL
This manual is an online version of the personal manual of Jim Rage, with minor editorial changes and a forward. Some material in Jim's manual is many thousands of years old, and has been translated many, many times. The most recent version exists in the form of a black, spiral-bound notebook. Some of the pages are made of human hide and written in human blood, scotch-taped to the lined paper. There are numerous clippings from old newspapers, jumbled, nearly illegible handwriting, re-writes crammed into the margins, and it is constantly being updated by Jim Rage himself. Submitted for your approval, is a typically scrambled passage from Jim Rageís manual.
What is in the bread? Vengono per noi. Ich hole Ihnen dreizehn schwarze Roses und Sie am Urteiltag oder am apocalypse. Parazynski. IT is wonder. zu lieben kommt das Ende nahe und bald werden wir aller Würfel. Mohawk psycho 이것은 시간이 아니다, 이것 이다 시간의 기록. Who is Ned swanburg anyway? I mean, his name sounds really fake. 시간 은 정오 이다. 激怒すなわwhy do they not fall ち激怒すなわち激怒。tank of panzers. 우리는 죽으면 모두 이다. swing your mighty gavel, oh lord of justice. die Toten Personen sind überall 우리는 일주할수 없 다. O mister Rage, ajuda-nos por favor. But it wasnët a rock. 1987. Ajude-nos agora. This is the beginning. Nós não podemos escapar-se. 도주 없다. It would so appear that the germs will spread. 그들은 우리들을 먹는것을 오고 있다. 激怒すなわ Le vieux prophecy. Half dead hindu.
ち激怒すなわち激怒。AIP. Ich sehe einen geisteskranken Mann, der einen Hut besitzt. The tough noun. (remember, that this is all still in theory) Lasci questo essere un avvertimento. Si usted está intentando traducir este escritorio, usted es un tonto más grande que me imaginaba. Itís a matter of chance, until I self-destruct. 1986. Lasci questo essere un avvertimento. 死人民与他们的死眼睛. It is all worse than I imagined. die Toten Personen sind überall Rage. Beware! The Damien! O mister Rage (the column that comes five) ajuda-nos por favor. 그들 은 우리의 눈을 먹는것을 온다. Sangue, sangue, sangue, 그들은 고함친다. Vedo un medico che uccide 혈액은 어 디에나적으로 있다. Le vieux prophecy. Yamato. 의분은 우리들을, 제발 돕는다 .La mort est pour toujours. 死人民与他们的死眼睛. Mr. B. 그들 은 우리의 눈을 먹는것을 온다. Sangue, sangue, sangue, 그들은 고함친다. 혈액은 어 디에나적으로 있다. 의분은 우리들을, 제발 돕는다 .La mort est pour toujours. Che leggono queste parole siete condannati. What is in the bread?
7. OUR ENEMIES
JREZHS has many enemies. There are countless nefarious individuals and organizations that we have faced in the past, and will continue to face again and again.
INDIVIDUALS:
THE BARON:
Also known as "Mister Fist", the Baron is one of the most despicable agents of the Fifth Column that we've ever clashed with. Clad in a gas-mask, large trench-coat, and large-brimmed hat, the Baron's true face has never been seen. Rumor has it that he is horribly scared, or perhaps not even entirely human. Whatever the case, the Baron is never without his black bi-plane and is a frighteningly lethal shot with the plane's equipped machineguns.
It was Elite Zombie Hunter Ben "Bloodscorn" Parazynski who was the first to feel the wrath of the gas-mask wearing fiend. While preparing graves to be sealed in concrete to prevent possible zombie escape, Parazynski was attacked by the Baron, who landed in the nearby Post Mills Airport with his biplane. Ben was dazzled by the Baron's enormous fighting prowess, and was barely able to defend himself. Eventually, Ben gained the proverbial upper-hand after luring the Baron to an abandoned house. The Baron fled away, only to return to attack Drew "the Tough Noun" Parazynski while en route to Mexico City for the "Mexican Assignment."
The Baron is feared for his lethal titanium-alloy cestus and constant silence. We at JREZHS hope his black biplane went down for good, but we can never be sure.
BARRY DOOLEY (AKA ANDREW GREIR AKA ERIKNATIOUS RUSSELLETY )
Also called "the Mad Cannibal," Dooley is an insane madman who believes himself to be a zombie, and kills others in order to devour them. Apparently, Dooley is only an alias, and he has several names that he uses. A former student at Clare College in Liverpool, and residing somewhere in Dublin, Dooley contacted JREZHS through our Elite Zombie Hunting Battle Log, pretending to be a zombie-hunting enthusiast, and then feigning a plea for help under the false pretense that he and a few other hunters were trapped in a farm house. Immediately, JREZHS responded with a series of muddled, yet very quick reactions, including the dispatch of several JREZHS members. Jim Rage himself, though busy battling a voodoo zombie in his office kitchenette, oversaw the situation. Things carried on for a very long time, culminating in the mass slaughter of several JREZHS agents and the decimation of our UK branch, John Islington's League of Extraordinary Zombie Hunters. The exchange was forever recorded in the epic "Barry Dooley Report."
Should you encounter Barry, shoot first and then shoot again. Asking questions won't help you. Barry is extremely dangerous, Not only is an expert in Aikido, Karate, Iaido, and Beserkerama, but he is also charismatic and a skilled liar. Beware of his silver-tongue and lethal jaws.
DAMIEN OF DEATH
The history of the "Damien of Death" is interwoven with the history of JREZHS member Baxter Black. Not quite dead, but not quite alive, the Damien defies classification. What we do know is that the Damien is obscenely evil and cruel, and enjoys tormenting his victims before feasting upon their flesh. He has never been fully described by his sworn enemy, Elite Zombie Hunter Baxter Black, although usually appears next to God-Like-Doorways.
In 1983 the Damien killed and zombified Billy Teir, who was Blackís partner and close friend. Black vowed revenge and spent a year tracking the Damien. All of what we know of the Damien comes from Black's descriptions. It would appear the Damien possess intelligence approaching that of a normal human and is motivated by awesome evil. This is highly rare, and may perhaps be unique. At one point, the Damien attempted to kill and zombify the entire population of Florida by poisoning the fishes with a malignant toxin, but Black miraculously stopped him.
JREZHS has had several encounters, and every time Black insists on tackling the Damien himself. His most recent clash with the Damien occurred at the Chaplain residence. Investigating strange goings on, Black discovered Teir eating the remains of Mr.Chaplain, and the Damien not far behind. What happened next is as yet unknown, as Black has still not sent part two of his Very Intense Battle Diary, because he is lazy, lazy, lazy.
MR. NIGHTTIME
However dangerous the Baron may be, Mr. Nighttime is far, far worse. Known only by his black aviator-style sunglasses and scar on his cheek, Mr. Nighttime is the fifth column's chief operative and orchestrates much of their devious schemes. He is not only trained in Ninjitsu (having memorized the famous Tiger Scroll), but is also a great authority on zombies, only exceeded by Dr. Parson Knowles IV and Jim Rage himself. He and Jim Rage seem to have met before, and Mr. Nighttime once left a cryptic e-mail at our website.
Mr. Nighttime was first encountered by JREZHS Elite Zombie Hunter "Deathwish" Chabot. Chabot (while attempting to scale the walls to gain entrance to the headquarters of a mysterious secret society building in Hanover using his special grappling-hook) was shocked when a shuriken flew past his face and tore off his glasses. Vision blurred, "Deathwish" fell and landed on a pile of cardboard boxes and stacks of the New York Times. "Deathwish" leapt to his feat, taunted by a baritone voice echoing through the canyons of his mind. Mr. Nighttime stepped slowly from the shadows and introduced himself, proceeding to deliver a nerve pinch to "Deathwish" that stunned him into unconsciousness.
Mr. Nighttime later showed his scarred visage during the "Mexican Assignment", during which Nighttime attempted to gain control of the Skull of Apuch. After Drew "the Tough Noun" Parazynski's ill-timed nosebleed accidentally created a horde of flesh-eating Aztec zombies, Nighttime fled the scene. We at JREZHS know that he remains active and planning.
DR. PARSON EOBARD KNOWLES IV:
Parson Eobard Knowles IV was born in 1948 to Dr. Parson Knowles III and Mary Knowles. Grandson of the enigmatic Dr. Parson Knowles II, and great-grandson of the murderous grave-robber Dr. Parson Knowles I, Parson Eobard Knowles is perhaps more dangerous than any of his ancestors. As a child, young Parson was never loved by his father, who spent all of his time teaching at a Massachusettes college we are not at liberty to mention. Young Parson's mother died under mysterious circumstances when he was six. He developed an unnatural fixation on death and decay, collecting the bones of small animals in his room.
Knowles excelled in academics and soon became a professional surgeon. He never spoke to his father after 1979, after he was chastised by Parson Sr. for crude attempts at cerebral reanimation. His father vanished one year later, leaving no forwarding address for his son. Later, in 1981, Dr. Knowles IV discovered a journal in Hanover, New Hampshire that had once belonged to his father. Reading the journal, Dr. Knowles IV learned of his fathers experiments with zombies. After some mistakes and failures, Knowles found a certain knack in re-animating the dead. In attempts to find out what had happened to his father, he murdered Tom Van Voorhees, a JREZHS Toad Eating Yes-Man. From Voorhees, he discovered his father's death and subsequent zombification and vowed revenge upon JREZHS. He approaches murder and mass destruction with a cold, scientific viewpoint. His primary occupation is attempting to kill every Elite Zombie Hunter, and uses the rest of his time to experiment with more efficient ways of raising the dead. We've had many run-ins with him, including one episode where we discovered he had captured the infamous Road-Rash zombie. His most recent encounter was with Mary the Mistress of Madness, when he lost his left hand in the subsequent battle. Whether or not he'll surface again is unknown.
GROUPS:
The EPA and the Fifth Column
The United States Government has been aware of the existence of zombies for several decades. For reasons of national security, the government has taken great lengths to conceal and cover-up any zombie infestations. All zombie corpses are confiscated and taken to secret complexes across America. Victimized families are paid to keep quiet about the incident and any records of the victims ever having existed are erased so it as though they never were born. The FBI and CIA lack the funds and the training to undertake such dangerous missions. The only government agency with the know-how to perform zombie extermination and cover-ups is the Environmental Protection Agency or the EPA. Special EPA agents patrol America in large black trucks, armed with personal rocket launchers. These EPA agents are equal to Elite Zombie Hunters in their combat proficiency and intelligence. Despite that they conceal their actions from the American public, the EPA's cause is essentially a just and noble one. Not only do they combat zombies in regions where JREZHS cannot reach, but they also stand ready to defend the environment from pollution and help to maintain stable populations of wildlife throughout America. However, the EPA is also responsible for a dire threat to the American way of life. In 1971, an EPA splinter group was formed, code-named the Fifth Column. The Fifth Column is obscured in a shroud of secrecy and double-records. They cover their tracks well. Unlike the EPA, which seeks to contain zombies, the Fifth Column intends to control and exploit zombies for military purposes. The Fifth Column is ruthless when pursuing their goals and often purposely creates zombie outbreaks to study their effects. We at JREZHS have linked seven zombie outbreaks to the Fifth Column. The Fifth Column have secret bases in Tennessee, Pittsburgh, and New Orleans. Their agents have been trained in all known forms of physical combat, with emphasis on Ninjitsu- or the way of the ninjas. JREZHS first encountered the Fifth Column when "Deathwish" Chabot, was attacked by a mysterious scar-faced man known only as "Mr. Nighttime". Since then, we have run into other agents, including "Mr. Eliminator", "Mr. Gizmo", "The Mustached Man" and "The Baron."
The EPA has struggled against their malevolent counterpart for years, but because of massive budget cutbacks by the Bush administration, they have been unable to fight back successfully. The Fifth Column has currently been conducting sinister "tests" across the world. It is the duty of all zombie hunters to combat their efforts and the zombies they produce. Jim Rage himself has put up a $50,000 dollar reward for the arrest of Mr. Nighttime.
SPECIAL ZOMBIE HUNTERS NOTE: The Fifth Column resembles the EPA in everyway and therefore it is very dangerous to trust a seemingly friendly EPA worker. If you see a large black truck coming in a zombie-infected area we suggest you: Hide, observe, and prepare to strike!
Re-Dead the Undead!
8. Appendix
For those who have read the manual and are ready to hunt here are some things you will need to memorize.
Zombie Hunter Jargon
Impress your friends be being able to speak like a zombie hunter! An integral part of a zombie hunting is a good command of the English language. If you confuse the Hungry Dead with the Walking Dead, you'll find yourself and your crew reduced to so much raw hamburger within minutes.
Simple terms:
-Braineater= Radioactive Zombie
-Bruise/Scratch= a mortal injury sustained by a JREZHS member that will
most likely result in death, but is greatly downplayed.
-Brutalize= to kill
-Crackers= saltines
-Creep= suspected zombie
-Dig= understand ( i.e. "You dig?")
-Dug=conjugated form of dig (i.e. "Yeah, I dug.")
-Exterminate= destroy with awesomely extreme prejudice
-Frag= to kill
-Fry= the kill with a flamethrower/ to cook with oil or grease
-G-Men= the FBI
-Hell= the sewers of Bradford, VT
-Hip= cool, sophisticated
-Hungry Dead= Demonic Zombie
-Ice= to kill
-Joe= coffee/persons named Joe
-Keen= extremely neat, excellent
-'Nam= Barnam, NH.
-Nuke= to kill
-Off= to kill
-Rad= dangerously radioactive
-Retired= describes Elite Zombie Hunter killed in action
-Spam= describes a zombie that has been exterminated in such a fashion that it has been reduced to a thick, meaty pulp
-Syrup= Maple Syrup
-Ugly (plural "Uglies")= Biohazardous Zombie
-Walking Dead=Voodoo Zombie
-Waste= to kill
-Wasted=past tense of "Waste"
-X-treme= Extreme, but accompanied by the sound of clashing metal.
-Zombie=Zombie
Phrases:
-"Have it at thee base villain"="I'm going to break your face"
-"Let's Roll"= "Let's go"
- "For justice!" = "Agreed."
-"This guy's a hundred percent!"= "This individual possesses many skills that would make him a invaluable member of Jim Rage's Elite Zombie Hunting Squadron"
-"Re-dead the undead!" = "Kill the zombies real good.
- "Banzai." = "May you live a thousand years."
-"May your bullets forever fly true." = "I wish you good luck."
- "Fight with honor!" = "Do well."
- "We ride again" = "We have another job."
-"Get me a bow-wow, painted red, with tears." = "Bring me a hotdog with ketchup and onions"
-"May Mr. B Smile upon you."= "God speed."
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