Dear Jim Rage,
There is a zombie inside my washing machine. Please advise.
-Patrick Bauchau, Bennington, VT
Dear Patrick,
First of all, is this a front-loading washing machine or a top-loader? You may be able to lock the foul, undead creature inside of the machine if it is a front-loader, but top-loading machines do not have this locking mechanism and rely instead on gravity to seal in your laundry. In that case, the only sensible solution is to fill the machine with explosives, run to safety, and then detonate the unit. Extracting the zombie would be work intensive and dangerous.
-Jim
Someone please help...
My name is Jack Moore and... I'm trapped. I don't know where... the city is called "Xapador City" but, I don't know where this place is. And inside the city there are these... things... I think they were people at one time but... now they're rotten and I... I don't know why but they try to attack me... Please, if anyone can read this, please read and subscribe to my survival diary. Every day I make a new entry so whoever is out there can track down my location. I don't wanna die here, please, whoever or wherever you are, please help me...
-Jack Moore
Dear Jack,
Sounds like you’re in quite a fix there. We can’t help. I had my secretary Dotty try to find Xapador City through the Internet, and she told me that the computer “shut itself off” and that she had to go home anyways. Perhaps if you had given me some more information to work with, we could have sent out a rescue party, but as it is you’re just going to have to man up. You need to stop whining and fight your own battles.
-Jim
Dear Jim,
I’ve been doing some amateur zombie hunting (mostly for friends and relatives) in the Newbury/Woodsville area since 1990. I like the chainsaw. It does the job and sends the right message. However, in my years of killing the undead, I’ve found the Husqvarna brand to give better performance than STIHL chainsaws. I recently read that JREZHS officially endorses the STIHL brand and I was shocked. Can you speak about this?
-Henry Handstrong, Newbury, Vermont
Oh Henry,
JREZHS has never had a formal comparison between the two brands, but we swear by STIHL after the day I rescued former Governor Madeleine Kunin in 1989. Someone had flooded the statehouse with industrial waste, resulting in a mob of frenzied toxic zombies. I had been invited by the Governor to receive a Chamber of Commerce Medal of Entrepreneurial Excellence, and was fortunate to have had a STIHL chainsaw in the back of my truck. Having a STIHL chainsaw in my hands just feels right. But, by all means, use whatever weapon you feel most comfortable with. The important part is to be yourself.
-Jim
Dear Mister Rage,
As a parent of a five year old, I’m having a hard time figuring out the right way to tell my kid about zombies. I don’t want to terrify her, but at the same time I feel it’s only responsible that she know about zombies and how to defend herself, especially if I die and come back to life and try to eat her or something. Can you offer any advice?
-“Clueless in Colchester”
Dear Clueless,
There comes a time in the life of every parent when they face the awkward task of telling their children about zombies. Some parents like to get it over with straight away and then return their attention to more important things like shopping or watching television. Other parents like to wait until they’re certain the child is mature enough to deal with the knowledge of flesh-hungry ghouls. The only advice I can give you is to be honest. Also, hugs are important.
-Jim
Dear Mr. Rage,
I have a few zombie related questions to ask you about. Do you have a boat to chase zombies with, do zombies like the water ...do zombies and other flesh eating ghouls do water... bathe, water ski, recreational boating attend mandatory government sanctioned water safety courses, own walkie talkies ... do they care, have emotions or are they all wound up with this flesh eating obsession are they OCB types are there type "A" personalities anal retentive zombies, pain in the ass zombies, ahh the things that cross my mind…
-Mike “Gooch” V., Somewhere in Connecticut
Dear Mike,
Let me answer your questions one at a time.
Yes. The Jim Rage Elite Zombie Hunting Speed Boat is kept perpetually ready at the Azure Lake marina here in Blue Springs.
Zombies tend to be emotionless, devoid of likes and dislikes. They don’t really like the water, but they don’t dislike it either. They’re neutral…indecisive.
Zombies can handle the water fairly well. While it is incredibly rare to find a zombie that remembers how to swim, many just walk along the bottom until the reach shore, or float along with the aid of the gases present within their bloated, decayed bodies.
Zombies never bathe. They all stink.
The Department of Health and Safety once unknowingly held a water safety summit with several zombies in the crowd. All the officials were subsequently eaten.
We occasionally have found zombies with walkie-talkies, but they are unable to properly use them and instead just press the buttons and moan.
Zombies do not care or have any real emotions. They are motorized instinct with a fixation on the devouring of human flesh and brains.
Zombies are the ultimate conformists and you never find one that tries to be “different” or a “rebel.”
All zombies are a pain in the ass. Zombies ruin everything.
I hope this helps. Keep on fighting!
-Jim Rage
Dear Jim Rage,
What is the worst zombie hunting case that you have been involved with?
-Carry Valentine, Burlington VT
Dear Carry,
It is supremely hard for me to answer this question. Firstly, after a certain point it is difficult to rate which cases were worse than others, as all the cases I have been involved with were all pretty horrific. Secondly, decorum demands that I avoid describing these cases in detail due to their terrifying nature. For the purposes of answering your question, let me say that the worst case that I have ever been involved with concerned zombies let loose in a high-tech high-rise apartment complex in Toronto.
-Jim Rage
Dear Mr. Rage,
I’ve read about Barry Dooley and I’m terrified that the Mad Cannibal will strike again soon. How can we defend ourselves against cannibals?
-“A Concerned Parent”
Dear Concerned Parent,
You needn’t be afraid of Barry Dooley. Cory Gory is on the case, and through the combined efforts of Gory and the authorities, I am positive that Dooley will be brought to justice. They are currently searching for him in Mexico.
-Jim Rage
Dear Mr. Rage,
I am a radiologist employed at Dartmouth Hitchcock Medical Center. As an expert in radiation, I find your claims that radiation can reanimate the dead ludicrous. Radiation has no such effects on dead tissue. It is a physical impossibility. I find it irresponsible of you to post such misinformation on your website, and it is additionally audacious you offer no proof of your ridiculous claims.
-Dr. Harold Kazan, Hanover NH
Dear Dr. Kazan,
Your own claims that radiation has no effects upon dead tissue are not backed by proof. Have you ever exposed a corpse to a radioactive isotope before? I thought not. And having never done so, or seen radio-reanimation performed, you simply believe it to be a hoax. Dr. Kazan, you are like many other American science professionals and are the victim of mass media hogwash that blurs the line between truth and lie therefore rendering the ordinary schmoe to become confused and ignorant. It's all just a cover up to ensure no one but themselves and a handful of rogues understands how to create radioactive zombies. Radiation has always been able to resurrect the dead as mindless brain-eating monstrosities, but it has been censored from our scientific textbooks.
Regardless, Dr. Kazan, a professional like yourself understands the dangerousness of radiation. radiation also causes harmful mutations and
cancer. I and several others have pressed hard for an anti-atomic radiation bill, but it was shot down in the House.
Jim Rage
Dear Mr. Jim Rage,
I'm a real JREZHS nut and I have all your t-shirts. I love your site, and when Jim Rage's Elite Zombie Hunting Squadron: Beyond Bloodshot
comes out, I'm buying four copies. Just wondering: can animals be reanimated? Could there be undead flesh-eating wolves, gorillas, bears, and horses?
-Patricia Hatch, 2002 Gove Hill rd,
Dear Patricia
Your question is intriguing. It all hinges on the method of reanimation. Voodoo involves capturing the soul essence of another person and making them your undead slave. Theologians have argued for centuries whether or not animals have souls. Some cultures believes only humans have souls, some believe that animals possess the souls of reincarnated humans, and some believe that animals do have souls- but very small ones. Theology not being my strong point, I cannot say whether voodoo could be applied to animal cadavers to reanimate them. Biohazard Zombies are brought back from an insidious viral strain. Although viruses have tailored themselves to attack a certain organisms, they can mutate over time and go on to a completely different species. Therefore, it seems entirely possible to me that a zombie virus could spread to other animals. Elite zombie hunter Rye Crofter has reported seeing undead, flesh-eating alligators in the sewers, but this is regarded as utter bunk.
Radiation and arcane Demonic energy might also apply to animals as well. Indeed, I can see no reason why they shouldn't effect wolves, gorillas, etc. Please, if you encounter any zombie animals, sign our guest book immediately and tell us about it.
Jim Rage circa 2002
Dear Jim,
My name is Billy Qualm and I am a martial artist specializing in the Way of the Intercepting Fist popularized by Bruce Lee. I live in the Great Lakes region and my sister was attacked by a Paguk, who ate her liver. Inspired by you and your merry band I have formed Billy Qualm's Elite Paguk Fighting Squadron and we have set up a floating base in Lake Ontario. We plan to have a website up as soon as we get our first employer. What sort of weapons should we have? Anyway, we'll keep you posted.
-William K. Qualm, Lake Ontario
Dear Billy,
I would normally recommend the chainsaw, but because you are hunting Paguk, I'd say some sort of high-powered, long range rifle would be a beater choice. You don't want to get close to the Paguk. Just ask Walter Wrath (god rest his soul). I salute you in your efforts to wipe out the Paguk from the Great Lakes Region. Best of luck to you and your Elite Paguk Fighters
-Jim Rage
Hey Jim,
Is the nuclear war coming or what, 'eh? I want to know when I should start putting spikes all over my car and wearing leather and wandering around the desert in a world where oil is more precious than gold.
-Harry Pickman, San Francisco CA
Dear Harry
The Nuclear war and subsequent zombie apocalypse is imminent, but only if you and other citizens make it imminent. We must struggle against such an event, for in a nuclear war the dead will far outnumber the living. They would be virtually unstoppable.
-Jim Rage
Dear Jim,
As a stay-at-home mom of three in Rhode Island, I have a lot of experience with Biker Zombies and I'd really like to share this good pointer: the kitchen is a great place for weapons! I mean, there's knives of course, but you'd be surprised how quickly you can take your cuisenart and turn it into a rotating death-blade! I've got loads of other great stuff that I can tell anyone who wants to write.
-Sarah Blackstone, Providence RI
Dear Sarah,
This looks like prime information you sent us. Your inventiveness is striking. I encourage you to try your luck with the ZAT and possibly submit an application.
-Jim Rage
Dear Jim Rage,
Hi there. I'm just writing you to say thanks for the great Paguk hunting advice. We've bagged sixteen since I last wrote, which although it sounds small is actually a big accomplishment. So say a big "hi" to all the other zombie hunting folks up there and I'll buy you all drinks if you guys ever come on down to Lake Ontario.
-William K. Qualm, Lake Ontario
Dear Billy,
I'll say hello to everyone for you. Fight on.
-Jim Rage
Dear Jim Rage,
Do zombies breathe? Can we kill them with poison?
-Jerry Klinge, Punxatawney PA
Dear Jerry,
This is a surprisingly complex question. Voodoo zombies have been found to breathe, although this is merely mimicry of a function of life. They do not technically need to breathe, they just do it out of some subconscious reflex. No other zombies breathe. They do vocalize, however, just they way living people do.
-Jim Rage
Dear Jim Rage,
Biologically speaking at least, how is a zombie different from a human being?
-Susan Quale, New York City NY
Dear Susan,
A zombie is similar to a human being, but there are many important differences.
The central difference is a vastly diminished intelligence. The level of intelligence varies from zombie to zombie and is addressed in the manual. Zombies have no capacity for higher thought. All that remains is a degenerative bundle of instinctual drives. Move. Kill. Eat. That is all that lives within the foul brain of a zombie. The cardiovascular and respiratory systems of a zombie are entirely disused. The digestive systems and related functions are, however, operational -though JREZHS research teams have been unable to determine how zombies can process the flesh and tissue that they eat into energy. The nerves in a zombie are dead. They cannot feel any sort of skin sensation, including pain.
As said repeatedly throughout this website, the only way to kill a zombie is by delivering significant trauma to the brain or by severing the spinal cord.
-Jim Rage
Dear Mr. Rage,
Are zombies immortal, like vampires?
p.s.: I like your shirts.
-TINA Backman, Tunbridge VT.
Dear TINA,
Thanks Tina. I like our shirts, too.
Zombies have a natural lifespan of four to sixth months. They are in a constant state of bodily decay. Their already meager intelligence degrades even further as the decay progresses. Their muscle tissue rots and makes it difficult to move. The life span of a zombie can also be artificially enhanced through the use of preservatives, as discovered through Fifth Column research but this also has its limits.
-Jim Rage
Dear Jim Rage
Is Barry Dooley still out there?
- "A Concerned Young Person"
Dear Concerned Young Person,
The mad cannibal Barry Dooley is still unaccounted for. We believe he may be hiding out in Northampton, but communication from John Islington's League of Extraordinary Zombie Hunters, has been scarce.
-Jim Rage
Dear Jim,
Tell us more about the "Army of Five Fingers" incident. I've heard only sparse rumors here and there and I want to hear about from the source.
-Karl Hastings, Montpelier VT
Dear Karl,
The Army of the Five Fingers was a swarm of one to two hundred severed Demonic Zombie hands that had been kept in pickling jars by practitioner of the arcane arts who lived an old Winnebago. Eric "Deathwish" Chabot had unknowingly fallen victim to a curse months earlier. It would ultimately overcome him the day we received a visit from said practitioner and become a catalyst to bring new life to the severed hands. Later on that night Baxter Black had to dispose of them amidst trying to make a sandwich. Due to their mischievous nature. Baxter thought it best to fight back in the same manner. Using the skills he learned from all of his years of watching the Home Alone series, he managed to dispose of the hands in a hilarious manner full of hijinks and simple family fun.
-Jim Rage
Dear Jim Rage,
Hi! I’m just checking in. I’m mailing you a preserved Paguk claw. I have a couple on my desk now, and it’s really cool.
-Billy Qualm (qualmpagukslayer@aol.com)
Dear Billy,
Hello there. I have always wanted a Paguk claw to go on my desk and now at last I have one. Thank you.
-Jim Rage
Dear Jim Rage,
I'd like to say that ever since your zombie hunters blew away those slime zombies in our backyard, there's been an awful stench there that
just won't go away. Can you tell me if JREZHS recommends anything to get rid of the smell of super-decayed flesh?
-Mr. Sean Von Hamburg, Plainfield VT
Dear Sean,
I recommend that you cover the area in tomato juice, let it sit for a day, and then hose it down. The tomato juice removes the smell in the same manner that it nullifies the odor of the skunk.
-Jim Rage
Dear Jim,
I saw this weird movie with these Taoist monks fighting vampires and undead things, and it got me wondering: can a Taoist priest take out an American zombie? And since American werewolves can be in London, can London werewolves be in America?
Zachary Hoel
Brattleboro, Vermont
Dear Zach,
The parapsychological methods employed by Taoists priests are an awesome force against the demonic zombie, not mattering what its nationality is. By scaring the proper arcane glyphs onto a sheet of vermillion paper (the color is important), and stamping the paper onto the forehead of the demonic zombie, they can immobilize it long enough to reduce it to so much spam with their martial arts. Taoist methods also have a more limited effect on the cursed zombie and the voodoo zombie. However, they are basically worthless upon zombies not created by arcane forces.
And werewolves don’t exist.
-Jim Rage
Dear Jim Rage,
Although there are many varieties, which one is the worst kind? Which type of zombie is the most deadly and hard to kill?
Geoff Friday
Fairbanks, Alaska
Dear Geoff,
Although many zombologists have attempted to rank the varieties and sub-species of zombie in a comprehensive scale of lethality, but there has always been great disagreements. Prof. Milland Rausch of the University of Pittsburgh has always argued that the radioactive zombie is the most deadly of all zombie-kind, while Dr. Lawrence Toulon insists that the demonic zombie is far more nightmarish than the radioactive kind. Personally, I believe that the generic biohazard zombie is by far the most dangerous as it is by far the most numerous variety and this viewpoint is the prevalent one at JREZHS.
-Jim Rage
Dear Jim Rage,
Here’s a good one: what happens if somebody is bitten by a Demonic Zombie, infected by a Biohazard Zombie, inhales the fumes of toxic chemicals, is exposed to a radioactive isotope, and then has their soul taken by a Houngan? What kind of zombie would that make?
The Deadly Sinner
Waco, Texas
Dear “Deadly Sinner”
I do not know what would happen, but I do know that it would be beyond bloodshot.
-Jim Rage
Dear Jim and the Gang,
Well, 150 Paguks has been slain, wrapped in garbage bags and incinerated! We're making a great deal of progress, and the Great Lakes are almost free of the Paguk Menace. We've received official sponsorship from the Great Lakes Heart and Liver Association to put an end to the devouring of human livers. Thanks a lot for the Cabot cheese. It's a big hit with the women.
Thanks again!
-Billy Qualm
Dear Billy,
Keep up the good fight Billy! 150 puts you close to the world record of Paguk slaying, held by the now-retired Günter Bravery of Michigan.
Great job!
-Jim Rage
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