Let’s get down to brass tracks. I’m broke and I need a job. Hell, I know I tried to defraud you guys out of millions in order to finance my t-shirt enterprise and I know the whole movie thing almost lead to the end of the company, but I don’t see why there needs to be any bad blood between us. I remember we had some pretty good times before things went South and I went to jail. Remember that time when I got really drunk and let the horses out of the stable because I wanted to race them or something? That was hilarious. You guys must’ve spent about five hours tracking them down and bringing them back to the barn. Good times. So, am I hired or what?
      Your friend,
       -Cash Hollywood, Newark, NJ

Dear Cash,
        I do remember the little episode with the Jim Rage Elite Zombie Hunting Battle Horses. At the time, I do not feel that this company is in need of a “tireless promoter” to advertise our presence. My secretary has your number.

Dear Jim,
       We never really hear about your zombie hunting exploits. Are you still out there hunting the undead with the Mad Hatter, Drew “the Tough Noun” Parazynski, and the others, or do you just sit at a desk all day?
         -Harriet Kuzniewski, Barre, VT

Dear Harriet
         While I do sometimes join the others on hunts, it’s usually only when my particular expertise is required. My time is largely spent managing the company, and as such I’m frequently away from the action. I’m not “sitting at a desk all day” though. Thanks to Bluetooth, I’m often out running, practicing with my katakana, or playing chess with Frank.

Dear Jim Rage,
            In these uncertain economic times, I want to make smart investments that will yield a good return. Is JREZHS still a publicly traded company?
            -Anthony Carras, Morrisville, VT

Dear Anthony,
            Jim Rage’s Elite Zombie Hunting Squad, and associated assets, is in a period of transition, sustained by funding from my good friends at the Cowboy Curry Corporation of Mumbai, India. We hope to apply for non-profit status sometime later this year. My colleague Frank Gritt has often joked that the company has always been “non-profit.” We laughed a good deal over that.

Dear Jim Rage,
What is OmniCorp? From little I’ve read, they sound like just the company I want to invest my many millions of dollars in.
-Caroline Whybrow, Austin TX

Dear Caroline,
OmniCorp is the world’s largest multi-national corporation, owned and operated by the Cryptic Committee. OmniCorp is a manufacturing company that produces most everything. Every product that you can imagine is sold by OmniCorp, including computers, vegetables, Betamax video players, and tennis shoes. The Mantron Corporation is the second largest company in the world and owns everything else . Jim Rage's Elite Zombie Hunting Squad has at times been owned or partially owned by Omni Corp. Nowadays we are a small, successful , Ma & Pa, independent operations and possibly the third largest company in the world.
-Jim Rage

Dear Jim,
I’ve noticed a huge lot of discrepancies between the JREZHS and other zombie hunting sites. For instance, the FVZA says that zombies are created from some virus of the “Mononegavirales” variety, which I guess means biohazard zombies, but they don’t mention anything about voodoo zombies or radioactive zombies, and then other people are talking about ghosts and werewolves. Why can’t you guys get your facts straight? Plus, a lot of the advice offered in your manual is heavily disputed in the literature of other sites. What the hell people? Are you just making this stuff up?
-Chris Taro, Newport Beach, CA

Dear Chris,
Unfortunately, I think that you have the situation entirely backwards. The JREZHS manual originates from the ancient writings of Arabian and Nordic zombie hunters. Over the centuries it has constantly been checked for accuracy, updated, re-written, and modified. Before the online edition was posted, I myself scrutinized the entire manual for factual accuracy based upon all available information.
The internet is a wonderful tool, but like any method of communication it can be employed for lies and untruth. Many of these “zombie hunting websites” that you point out are not the actual websites of zombie hunting organizations, but instead complete fabrications created by infantile pranksters or (worse yet) products of the Fifth Column conspirators to deliberately spread dangerous misinformation. You should always rely upon the JREZHS manual for the best zombie hunting information and never trust unsubstantiated documents.
Werewolves do not exist.
-Jim Rage

Dear Mr. Rage,
I’m really confused by your “Jim Rage Helps America” piece on the mission statement portion of Jimrage.Com. Are you guys like some teen-help squad or something?
-Charlotte Jetter, Springfield, MA

Dear Charlotte,
The Jim Rage Helps America piece is a hold-over from the early days of the website. Originally, the website was to be exclusively devoted to JREZHS’ multiple charity groups and organizations, amongst which was the Jim Rage Helps America organization (also known as JRHA or even Junior Ha in some circles) which is devoted to helping troubled youths. Later, the Mad Hatter asserted that we concentrate more on the zombie hunting side of JREZHS and the rest was destiny.
-Jim Rage

How can you rationalize actually charging people for rescuing them? That's like a police-man asking for a fiver when he stops a burglar from
stealing your stuff.
-Karen Bath, Haddonfield IL

Dear Karen,
Almost all customers are more than happy to give us payment. We don't ask for that much, considering we risk the excruciating death-by-brain-consumption on a near daily basis. All money goes back into the company. Whatever might be left over is split amongst the hunters.
Jim Rage

Dear Jim Rage,
If you are such a great zombie hunter, than how come you aren't out there risking life limb with the Elite Zombie Hunters? Why do you get the safe job behind the desk? And another thing, if you guys are REAL zombie hunters, how come you've got a goddamn ZOMBIE as a member?!
-Casey Bailey, Goffstown NH

Dear Casey,
Let me say this: I would gladly die a thousand deaths before I see another Elite Zombie Hunter perish. And Max Powers is not a zombie, but a tragic hybrid of man and monster who has conquered his hunger for human brains. He has also not been with the company for some time and is now a devout Hindu. Keep up to date. Your prejudice betrays your stupidity.
Jim Rage

Dear Mr. Rage,
I'm a college student here in Pittsburgh and am the president of the BLAZE or the Boy's Legion of Amateur Zombie Eliminators. We're your
biggest fans. We have all your stuff and I've even devised a special JREZHS live-action role-playing game based on your exploits, When playing, I always take the part of Jim Rage. I and my fellow BLAZE members were wondering about a few things and I was hoping you could answer them:
1. Who is stronger, Max Powers or Hanz Irontheighs?
2. Why does Thorn Hammerfall look like Mel Gibson without his paintball mask?
3. How old are you?
4. Can we become JREZHS affiliates like Bullet Man?
5. Who's Joe Justice, and what's his connection to Ben Parazynski?
6. If it's possible to be a vampire and be good (like in Blade), I'd like to be a vampire. How can I be a vampire?
7. Can we be in your movie?
8. Will there ever be any JREZHS collectable miniatures?
Anyway, that's it. I hope we have an outbreak in Pittsburgh so we'll get to meet you guys.
-Timothy Sill, Pittsburgh PA, 2004

Dear Timothy,
You and your friends certainly sound enthusiastic about JREZHS. I'll try to answer your questions.
1. It is impossible to say as they have never fought before. Personally, with no disrespect to Hanz, my guess to the outcome would be Max.
2. We at JREZHS have all agreed not to talk about this subject with civilians.
3. Old enough to know the difference.
4. Zombie hunting affiliates are free-lance zombie hunters who have worked closely with JREZHS. Despite your great eagerness, it sounds as BLAZE is not technically a zombie hunting group and thus cannot be listed in the affiliates section.
5. Joe Justice is the hero of Bradford City. Ben Parazynski lives in Corinth and sometimes has a beard. Any connection between the two has been denied by both persons.
6. Forget about any desire you might have to become a vampire. You do not want to be a vampire. Period.
7. I am not the right person to ask about this. "Beyond Bloodshot " (the working title for this movie) has been concocted by the mysterious "woods people", the Mad Hatter, Baxter Black, and several others. Please feel free to ask them.
8. No.
We greatly value your continued support.
Jim Rage
, 2004

Dear Jim,
If I fall back down, will you help me back up again?

Dear anonymous,
You can count on it.
Jim Rage

Dear Jim Rage,
I'm hoping to make my own zombie hunting business. What's involved and can you give any advice?
-Alphonso Chasef, Elizabethtown PA

Dear Alphonso,
In my introduction to the (old) zombie hunting manual on this site , you'll find some tips on how to do exactly that. As for advice, the best piece I can give you is this: never give up. Never. Fight on.
Jim Rage

Dear Jim,
What do you think of George Romero, Sam Raimi, Peter Jackson, and Lucio Fulci movies?
-Frank Davis Jr., Frankfurt KA

Dear Frank,
Although I appreciate these movie makers for their accuracy in displaying methods for killing zombies, I find them somewhat lacking in the other areas. I'm unable to watch them, because they are too real for my comforts.
-Jim Rage

Dear Jim Rage,
You guys are horrible spelliers. It really makes me sick to see such poor grammer lik this on the web. Its shoews that you guys are typing way to fast and not evn lookign at the screen and kust trying to get al your thoughs down really quic.k
-jerffery Von Warner, Detroit Il

Dear Jeffery,
Admittedly, the manual does have many spelling and grammatical errors. The earliest version was first written in runes by Vikings. Then when the Vikings were converted to Christianity, it was taken by monks who translated it into Latin. Afterwards it was stolen by an Egyptian mercenary, who translated it again, adding his own material and advice. Later it wound up the British museum, where it was translated into English for the first time. Ultimately it reached New England, and came into the hands of my grandfather under circumstances I am not at liberty to describe.
As you can well imagine, the amount of grammatical and spelling errors the manual has as a result of the constant translation is staggering.
The manual was last updated in 1993, and was in excellent condition, despite some portions of it being up to one thousand years old, until June 6th 2006 when a horde of Hell zombies ruined it. We are currently rewriting the manual from memory and simultaneously updating it. We've approached several publishers, but all have been a bit hesitant due to the costs of writing it in blood and binding it in human flesh.
-Jim Rage

Dear Jim Rage,
I think most of these letters are made up. Are they made up?
-Simon Fleeterman, Portland MN

Dear Simon,
-Jim Rage

Dear Jim,
Hey! Which American president would be the best zombie hunter ever? I'd say Eisenhower, becuse he had all that military training and stuff. What do you think?
-Stacy O'Neil, Otrane MI

Dear Stacy,
I think Teddy Roosevelt would probably be the best zombie hunter ever, becuase he carried a bick stick.
-Jim Rage

Dear Jim Rage,
My sensei is a great fan of your mighty zombie fighters. He is without a computer and asked me to relay a message to you. He was wondering if, for the purpose of better training his kung-fu pupils, if JREZHS could mail him a zombie that the students could practice on. We would gladly pay for the zombie and we swear upon our honor that we would destroy it after the training finals. What do you think?
-Yoko Nakagawa, Brooklyn NY

Dear Yoko,
I must say no with supreme conviction. The danger is extreme. I do not doubt that the power of the Deadly Hands of Kung-Fu is great indeed, but if the zombie becomes too much for the students and manages to kill one, the people it kills will come back and kill. This risk is unacceptable. Besides, the costs of capturing a zombie and then mailing it to New York City are not economically viable for JREZHS. I am sorry.
-Jim Rage

Dear Jim Rage,
What type of music does the Managing Director of a prestigious zombie hunting business listen to?
-Todd Byer, New Haven CT

Dear Todd,
I enjoy many varieties of music. I mainly listen to music that has a soothing, calming effect and music that brings out the inner savagery.
-Jim Rage

Dear Dr. Rage,
Are you and Hugo Pecos friends?
-Maxwell O'Neil, Garden City NY

Dear Maxwell,
I respect and admire Dr. Pecos (managing director of the FVZA), but surprisingly I have never personally met or communicated with him. He is, however, one-hundred percent. Also: I am not a doctor. I never graduated from medical school.
-Jim Rage

Dear Jim,
I want very much to get in touch with god-amongst-men Hanz Iron-Thighs. Is he single?
-Eleanor Emmer, Montgomery AL, 2002

Dear Eleanor,
Unfortunately, Hanz is spoken for. Back in his native Germany, Hanz is betrothed to the lovely Hilda Von Blitzkrieg of Munich. They met after she was hired by a German criminal enclave to kill him, after Hanz dispatched their leader's dog with his panzer tank. During a battle that lasted two years, they got to know each other, and subsequently spend time together maiming small animals.
-Jim Rage, 2002

Dear Jim Rage
What is a “katakana?”
Sincerely, Evan Sorel
Voorheesville, New York

Dear Evan,
A katakana is a variety of sword that I invented in 1994. Patterned after the katana, it a very similar weapon except that it is made from titanium steel and has an axe blade on the other side. Immensely crude and difficult to use, the katakana is nonetheless a highly effective zombie-extermination weapon when wielded by a true master such as myself. Only one exists, and I keep it in my office kitchenette after a troublesome encounter with a voodoo zombie.
-Jim Rage

Dear Jim Rage
I was taking my daily perusal through the JREZHS manual and suddenly I notice everything’s changed. What’s the beef?
Denise Kaufman,
Boston, Massachusetts, 2005

Dear Denise,
In the turbulent year of 2004, when this website first went online, JREZHS H.Q. was under attack from 237 demonic zombies. As a direct result of being preoccupied with the massive zombie attack, it was especially difficult for The Mad Hatter and the Woods People to get their act together. Now that the zombie menace is largely gone, they were free to give the website an update.
-Jim Rage,

Dear Jim Rage,
Who are the Woods People? And when is Jim Rage: the Movie going to be coming out?
Lindsay Price
Crystal Lake, New Jersey

Dear Lindsay,
The Woods People are charming, largely-illiterate folks from the snowy wilds of Blue Springs. Despite their poor English skills, questionable ethics, and capacity for violent outbursts, the Woods People are a friendly bunch and are very good with Atomic Typers. We set them to work on writing a script for Jim Rage: the Movie about a year ago, and we haven’t seen hide or shaggy hair of them since. Currently the movie project is on hiatus until JREZHS makes a whole lot of money and we find ourselves with a lot of free time.
-Jim Rage

Dear Jim Rage.
If you were to describe yourself in three words, what would they be?
Maurice Kong
Minneapolis, Minnesota

Dear Maurice,
Swift, silent, deadly.
-Jim Rage