Dear Jim,
        You and your friends are doomed.
        -No name or address given

Dear Anonymous Menace,
      Over the years that we’ve been in operation, Jim Rage’s Elite Zombie Hunting Squadron has faced countless kill-crazed zombies and evil men who would use them for their own twisted schemes. We have always managed to come out on top, and make some money while doing so, with the major exception being last year due to the loss of several key employees, a weak Euro, and the loss of our headquarters. I don’t know who you are, but know that I will find you. I possess a certain set of skills; skills, that make me a living nightmare to men like you. Or women like you. You may, after all, be a woman and I shouldn’t automatically assume that every Anonymous Menace is a man. At any rate, I’m ready for your worst and so are my dedicated employees. Baxter Black has personally assured me that he is very ready. The question is: are you ready for us?
     -Jim Rage

       Classy, but fun: I enjoy both the opera and rugby, nice dinner and a pizza from Domino’s. I love summer, and my go-to outfit is a dress with high-heels. I speak passable German, and a smattering of Spanish and French. I love to ride my bike, but not running. My favorite thing to do is laugh, so I hope that you’re funny!
       -DasKatzechen, age 20, Burlington, VT

Dear Katzechen,
        Well, you certainly sound like you enjoy what you do. I’m still not sure why you sent me this letter, but I approve of all your activities, especially rugby as I used to play the sport when I was young. Keep working on those languages; it’s an important skill to have if you intend on traveling. I’ve been told that I am more “Funny Weird” rather than “Funny Ha Ha,” so I may not be as entertaining as you might like. Take care.
        -Jim Rage, old enough to know the answer, Blue Springs, VT

Dear Mister Rage,
         I represent a consortium of snack cake manufacturers who wish to remain anonymous. It has come to our attention that there have been numerous misuses of protected brands on your website and this is formal request for your company to cease any and all mention of these brands. Failure to comply with this request could very well result in legal action.
        -Benson Pollard, Esq., Los Angeles, CA

Dear Mister Pollard,
        I have made it a personal rule never to respond to threats from snack cake manufacturers. My attorney, Mr. Indigo Blake, will be more than happy to address any concerns that you might have. I should warn you: he’s very good at what he does.

Dear Jim Rage,
So, how about those Packers, huh?
            -George Soldowski, Enfield, NW

Dear George,
            I’m more a hockey guy, myself. I haven’t trusted the NFL since Los Lagartos tried to eat my employees and bring about the end of the world. I blame the coaches. As for the Packers: I couldn’t bring myself to root for a team that comes from a state where cheddar is orange.

Dear Jim,
Which is better: Demolition Man or the Fifth Element?
-Stacy Ross, White Chapel, UK
Dear Stacy,
While I’m not exactly fond of either movie, the Fifth Element had some interesting visuals.
-Jim Rage

To Everyone at Jim Rage’s Elite Zombie Hunting Squad,
I’d like to commend you all at that fine job you did back in Bradford City, ’02. I never did get a chance to officially thank you. My son recently bought this computer for me and I discovered this website. Good luck in the future.
-Sgt. Harold Bachs, Bradford City, VT.
Dear Harold,
It was nice to hear from you and I hope everything’s going well at the Bachs household. If you should see him, please say hello to Joe Justice.
-Jim Rage

Dear Jim,
Hi. I’m trapped in Burlington and my camera's been eaten. I managed to find a working computer terminal in the burned-out ruins of an internet café. Could you please send up some reinforcements really really soon? They’re all around me and I’ve lost my nunchucks.
-Ben Peberdy, Burlington, VT
Dear Ben,
I’m afraid that we’ve spread ourselves a little too thin and you’ll just have to tough it out for now. I hear that the lake looks beautiful this time of year.
Stay alive.
-Jim Rage

Dear Jim Rage,
[This message contained a letter-bomb. Upon opening it, there was an enormous explosion.]
Dear anonymous,
I laugh at your pitiful attempt to kill me with your mediocre explosive device. They’ve tried before, and it hasn’t worked at all.
-Jim Rage

Dear Jim,
Me again. Listen, I need help fast. And also, I want to talk about a raise when I get back.
-Ben Peberdy, Burlington, VT
Dear Ben,
-Jim Rage

Dear Jim,
I was going to send some homemade doughnuts to you all and my son, but I don't know what kind you like.
-Ma Gritt, Tennessee

Dear Mrs. Gritt,
I have always been fond of plain doughnuts.
Jim Rage

Dear Jim Rage,
I am the postmaster in Islington, and I would personally like to thank you and your Elite Zombie Hunter for destroying that outbreak of Demonic zombie pirates that nearly annihilated our city.
-Philip Fontaine, Islington, London, UK

Dear Philip,
No, thank you. If it wasn't for you and your battalion of concerned citizens and their grenade launchers, we would have never iced those pirates. You've got what it takes, Philip.
Jim Rage

Hello James,
You won't stop us James. I still have the things collected from the "New Orleans Incident", and if you try anything, your little squadron will be history. Think about that for a while and despair.

Ah. The elusive Mr. Nighttime. Go ahead. Print the "New Orleans Incident". I have nothing to hide. We will end your insidious operation, and bring you to justice. Believe it "Mr. Nighttime".
Jim Rage

Dear Jim Rage,
Who are your heroes?
-Stathis Barnes, Cabrini Green IL

Dear Stathis,
Because it is immensely difficult for me to list them by their value to me, I shall list them in no particularly order:
-Buddha: for showing us that we can transcend our inherent flaws and anyone can obtain enlightenment with focus and commitment.
-Franklin Delano Roosevelt: for being a stalwart defender of the impoverished and down-trodden, and fought for them because he knew it was right.
-George Washington Carver: for showing that all things, even peanuts, have unlimited potential.
-Mother Teresa: For her selflessness and devotion to the cause.
-Ulysses S. Grant: for bravery and a true understanding of the horrors of war.
-Che Guevara: for fighting against the oppression.
-Christopher Reeves: for inspiring us with his endless determination.
-Eliot Ness: for being immune to the corruption and having the will to battle against it.
Jim Rage

What is your favorite movie?
-Rick Glut, San Antonio TX

Dear Rick,
My favorite movie of all time is The General with Buster Keaton.
Don't call me Jimmy.
-Jim Rage

Dear Jim,
You probably think its easy being up here singing and everything and playing. It's not. It's not easy. Thank you.
-"The Walking One And Only"

Dear "Walking One And Only"
I never doubted it.
-Jim Rage

Dear Lord Rage,
I’m tired of you hiding behind innuendo and ambiguity; I want the truth, dammit! What’s your connection with Mr. Nighttime?!
 Ed Stipe
Queens, New York City, New York
Dear Ed,
I admit nothing.
-Jim Rage

Dear Mr. Rage,
I recently read about Max Powers conversion to Hinduism and I was wondering which denomination he was.
Niccolo Sebastion-Doyle
Inglesville, Blue Springs
Dear Niccolo,
Max Power is a Saivite, or belonging to the Saivism denomination of Hinduism. Max Power believes that Siva, the lord of positive destruction (or “one who purifies everyone by the utterance of His name”), is the supreme being of the cosmos, being one with everything and yet also simultaneously existing beyond this realm of experience. There also exist many lower deities, which are manifestations of Shiva. Max Power was particularly attracted to this style of Hinduism due his great appreciation for demolition and destruction.
-Jim Rage

Dear Jim,
I don’t believe that there can truly be a “right” and “wrong,” as I am a moral relativist who believes that morals are a social construct, and differ from society to society, and are therefore non-absolute. Can there ever be universal truths, or is everything subjective and arbitrary? No?
Liana Stillman
Providence, RI
Dear Liana,
Moral relativism is a self-destructing philosophy and therefore not worth a red cent. Think harder next time.
-Jim Rage