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The Archbishop of Living Death - The third highest ranking member of the Church of Living Death. Has a serious disliking for machine guns and was once gorilla interviewed on dateline.
Appears in:
Threes' Company
Dateline
See Also:
Church of Living Death
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Armored Motorcycles – Upon employment at Jim Rage’s Elite Zombie Hunting Squad every employee is given a complimentary armored motorcycle, which is theirs to keep after one year of work. The motorcycles were made possible by a major grant from the National Endowment for the Arts. It is also the major reason we may never see any of our motorcycles. The grant requires we buy American (even though the Japanese are light years ahead in the armored motorcycle industry). American motorcycle manufacturer unions have something against armored motorcycles. It’s all very confusing. It has to do with like this pact that was made between a Stone Mason and a Knight of Columbus or a Shriner maybe, and nobody can remember the handshake or something equally pea brained.
Appears in:
Acceptance letters from Jim Rage’s Elite Zombie Hunting Squad (fill out an application to get one)
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Army of Five Fingers – Back in 1999 when the Matrix was hot and Eiffel 65 was the best thing since the Matrix there was a little known zombie hunter named Baxter Black. He decided one night to stay at the office and watch movies while everyone else went out to Friendly’s™ to talk about important things, except for Eric “Deathwish” Chabot who decided to stay in because of a nasty flu. It would just so happen that that night would be the night a few hundred demonic hands would raid our head quarters. By the time everyone had returned Baxter Black learned to bring down the thunder and push out the lightning. Every hand had been demolished. Every one liner about hands had been uttered.
Appears in:
Baxter Black’s Bio
Letters to Jim Rage
See Also:
Baxter Black
Paguk
Günter Bravery
Eric “Deathwish” Chabot
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The Baron - The President of jerks. The Baron is the bad guy's bad guy. With seemingly no ulterior motives, The Baron is often seen flying his stupid biplane, killing our flowers, rerouting our mail, prank phone calling us, punching Ben in the face, and any number of other heinous deeds. The Baron sucks.
Appears In:
2005 Year in Review
Un-Baron-able
The Mexican Assignment
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Barry Dooley - Was first encountered on our guestbook under a pseudonym. After cajoling us to fly our jet to Ireland he set a trap and killed John Islingston, Rory Gory, Pat Gray, and seriously spooked Scarface Macandale. A cannibal by trade Barry Dooley is a high ranking target of the Jim Rage Elite Hit List (or JREHL).
Appears In:
2004 Year in Review
See Also
John Islingston's League of Extraordinary Zombie Hunters
Scareface Macandale
Pat Gray
Rory Gory
Cory Gory
The Jim Rage Emergency Jet (JREJ)
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Beyond Bloodshot - Rage Holdings LTD. has unfortunately lost all rights pertaining to the events associated with the story sold to a one Cash Hollywood. Any further discussion of the topic could lead to hefty lawsuits.
Appears in:
Business Analysis Report
A Formal Apology from your Pals at JREZHS
Ben Peberdy's Bio
A Letter from BLAZE
A Letter from Lindsay Price
See Also
Cash Hollywood
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Billy “Flyboy” Tier – Party professional, private investigator, and rampant alcoholic. William Tier was always able to “keep it cool” when things “got hot”. He also made a perfect side kick for Baxter Black as they battled to clean up the mean streets of Maui for a week in the 90s. By the time that week was over the Maui Time Weekly was wishing they were a daily for the sheer number of explosion pictures they could’ve printed. It wasn’t all good though. Baxter Black had fallen for that fickle mistress known as full-time employment and Billy Tier was dead. Slain at the hands of the nefarious “Daimen of Death”. Now forced to serve his evil master in a voodoo state, Billy “Flyboy” Tier will never party down again.
Appears in:
Baxter Black's Very Intense Battle Diary Episode 1 Chapter 1 Phase 1 Part 1 Incident 1
Baxter Blacks Very Intense Battle Diary Episode 1 Chapter 1 Phase 1 Part 2 Incident 1 Baxter Black Heeds The Call Of Duty
See Also:
Baxter Black
The Daimen of Death
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Billy Qualm – The world record holder for Paguk kills, Billy Qualm is a light hearted individual who often corresponds with us by mail. Billy has no affiliation with Jim Rage’s Elite Zombie Hunting Squad other than he likes what we do and bought a t-shirt once. A Paguk claw that Billy sent is a prominent feature on Jim Rage’s desk.
Appears in:
Billy Qualm letter #1
Billy Qualm letter #2
Billy Qualm letter #3
Billy Qualm letter #4
See Also:
Paguk
Günter Bravery
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Bobby “Rock” Savage – Once a geologist working in Seattle Washington, Bobby “Rock” Savage came across tough times when an earthquake struck just outside of the city in 1996. Although the quake was minor and nobody was injured, nor was anything damaged, the Seattle Mariners game at the Kingdome was postponed for safety reasons. This spurred an immense backlash against geologists in the coastal region. Angry mobs patrolled the streets. The pleas of geologists that they never pretended they could stop minor earthquakes from interrupting football games fell on empty ears as they were torn limb from limb. Bobby escaped with his life, but without his job. So he came to us presented a phony law school diploma, had some of his friends pretend to be references and viola we had ourselves an attorney. Of course all of this later came out at his funeral after he was devoured by a horde of zombies during our 2006 company picnic.
See Also:
Indigo Blake
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Boys Legion of Amateur Zombie Eliminators – Also known as BLAZE is a society of young adults who were apparently disillusioned that our youth outreach program had nothing to do with zombies and everything to do with boring. Undeterred they started their own program, which revolves around role playing, zombie lore, holding charity events, collecting useless things, and tirelessly thinking up “what if” scenarios. They’ve got a lot of moxie, which is admirable, but we try not to encourage them too much.
Appears in:
Letters to Jim Rage
See Also:
Jim Rage Helps America
Want to Know More?
Visit their website
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Bruno – Once a suave, French, Ben Parazinski look alike, he is now more often than not confused with the Ali G movie. Bruno Jean-Baptise Domoulin can often be seen on day time French television. Although Bruno continues to live in France amongst his throngs of fans and exuberant wealth we still send postcards back and forth. Ben Parazinski is allegedly pretty weirded out by the thought of there being someone out there who looks just like him.
Appears in:
Meet Bruno
Getting Equipped
Getting Tough, The Baxter Black Way
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Bullet Man – Forget firemen Bullet Man is a real hero. Often seen hurtling through the sky en-route to geothermal activity, Bullet Man seeks nothing more than to rid the world of primords. A primord (Pry-Mord) is a primate capable of living in pure magma (or lava depending on the situation). It’s unclear exactly what it is that the primords do that is so bad and more often than not Bullet Man finds himself battling environmentalists. Bullet Man gets from place to place by firing himself from a gigantic gun and landing with an elegant roll. We gave him a ride once in our jet since he has no way of getting back to his gigantic gun. Ben Parazinski also bought an old Bullet Suit off of him at a yard sale for two bucks.
Appears in:
An old toy commercial
To Hell With It
A Letter from BLAZE
See also
Primords
Jim Rage Emergency Jet
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The Cardinal of Living Death - The second highest ranking member of The Church of Living Death. Tried to hold a football game between the employees of Jim Rage's Elite Zombie Hunting Squad and "Los Lagartos" (a team made up entirely of demonic football players).
Appears In:
NATIONAL LAMPOON'S: VACTION TO DEATH VALLEY
The Gameplan
See Also:
Church of Living Death
Archbishop of Living Death
Pope of Living Death
Los Lagartos
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Cash Flagg – A writer, an illustrator, and an inspiration to generations of zombie hunters. Cash Flagg was the pen name of the man who produced the original Johnny Wanderer comic book series. Much like his comic creation his real name has never been discovered thus little is known about the mysterious writer. Theories have arisen that Cash Flagg was in fact the real life Johnny Wanderer due to a number of clues: The real Johnny Wanderer started to gain notoriety after World War II, which is about the time Cash Flagg started to phase out as the sole writer of the comic. Johnny Wanderer is seen in the World War II era series taking actions that coincide and explain many mysterious happenings during the war. In the last panel ever illustrated by Cash Flagg Johnny is asked where he’s going, to which he replies “I have more important things to do”, which has been widely viewed as a duality for both the character who has simply more tasks he needs to complete, and for the writer/real life hero who has more pressing matters to take care of than a funny book.
See Also:
Johnny Wanderer
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Cash Hollywood – Lights! Camera! Money! Cash Hollywood promised us dreams of fame and riches when he found us scrounging for quarters (or the European equivalent) in Paris. A big shot movie producer we gave him the rights to our true to life story entitled “Beyond Bloodshot”. He subsequently sold it to somebody who changed the name, who assigned it to their nephew, who didn’t like the story so he outsourced it to some writers, who were under obligation to create parts for major MTV icons, who were also under obligations to be in an animated feature length movie. Subsequently our movie no longer has anything to do with Jim Rage’s Elite Zombie Hunting Squad and due to poor paper handling on Cash Hollywood’s part we never saw a dime from it.
Appears In:
Business Analysis Report
Exciting Movie Update
Superfine Movie Update
A Formal Apology from your Pals at JREZHS
See Also:
Beyond Bloodshot
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Church Of Living Death – Runs the Necroverse and wants nothing more than to destroy our world. They have endless legions of hell zombies (which is a bit misleading since Hell is an entirely different place). The Church hierarchy is arranged much like that of the Catholic church, with bishops, cardinals, and a pope of living death. They never tip.
Appears in:
Zombie Apocalypse Series
See Also:
Pope of Living Death
Cardinal of Living Death
Archbishop of Living Death
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The Daimen of Death - The bane of Baxter Black's existence. The history of The Daimen of Death is shrouded in mystery that Baxter Black may or may not be privy to. The two first crossed paths around Baxter Black's birthday and thus he was too "sloshed" to remember the encounter. The meeting however ended in the death and zombification of Billy "Flyboy" Tier who was a friend of Baxter Black's from Hawaii. The Daimen's form never seems to be consistent in Baxter's descriptions, which may be due to heightened story telling, or perhaps something more sinister. The Daimen of Death's one and absolute goal seems to be to torture Baxter Black to no end, leaving his battered body with just enough strength to survive long enough to fight again another day.
Appears in:
Baxter Black's Very Intense Battle Diary Episode 1 Chapter 1 Phase 1 Part 1 Incident 1
Baxter Blacks Very Intense Battle Diary Excerpt from- Episode 22: Third Times A Charm
Baxter Blacks Very Intense Battle Diary Episode 1 Chapter 1 Phase 1 Part 2 Incident 1 Baxter Black Heeds The Call Of Duty
See Also:
Baxter Black
Billy "Flyboy" Tier
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Danger Van – Much like the Dali Lama our van has had many different physical bodies, but it’s spirit is always the same. Usually reincarnated as a Chevy G20, although sometimes a GMC Vandura, or an Astrovan, and sometimes a Honda Civic Hatchback, and on one occasion a donkey cart, the Danger Van always lives up to it’s name. Statistically it’s safer to shoot yourself point blank in the face with a shotgun than to take a ride in the Danger Van. Slow, hard to fix, terrible gas mileage, and awful in the snow the Danger Van is the perfect fit for Jim Rage’s Elite Zombie Hunting Squad (because we’re can do people and we like a challenge). Always adorned with a snazzy paint job and a big ol’ seal of safety on the side, the Danger Van is our number one mode of transportation.
Appears In:
Frank Gritt's Day Off
See Also:
Other modes of transportation:
Subaru
Jim Rage Emergency Jet
Armored Motorcycles
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The Dark Pope of Living Death - Head of the Church of Living Death and the most feared being in the Necroverse. The Pope seeks to lead the tormented souls of the Necroverse into the land of the living and conquer all that is good. He loves destruction and hates adult contemporary music.
Appears in:
To Hell With It!
See also:
Cardinal of Living Death
Archbishop of Living Death
Church of Living Death
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Dick Weston - There is no way to tell the story of Dick Weston without telling our own, and if his story really is a confession, then so is ours. He was a senior investigative reporter for the Boston Globe, a position he had held since July 16th 1988. A member of the National Society of Senior Investigative Reporters and the Boston Society of Senior Investigative Reporters, Weston studied journalism at Dartmouth and New York University. He formerly worked for Newsweek Magazine covering the White House and then the Middle East, but it was his article about Blue Springs Vermont and the EPA superfund, which landed him an office with The Globe. Dick Weston interviewed a fledgling Jim Rage’s Elite Zombie Hunting Squad and single handedly put us on the map. Zombies have remained a specialty of Weston ever since. Over the years Dick Weston has become increasingly paranoid about the degradation of printed media. In an attempt to bring back some of it’s past glory, Dick set out blow open the mysterious workings of the Mantron Corporation. He hasn’t been heard from since.
Appears in:
Blue Springs: Two Years Later
Boston Consumed in Orgy of Brain-Eating Madness!!!
Want to know more:
Pick up a copy of the Boston Globe! They’ve got lots of great articles on all kinds of subjects. There’s always something for you in the Boston Globe.
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Dirk Razor:
There is much that we do not know about Dirk Razor; save for what’s he’s told us around the campfire or on long, awkward rides in the Danger Van. Apparently he started playing the ukulele at age five and received his first guitar on this tenth birthday. He eventually became a talented musician and wrote quite a few songs for a certain very popular rock and roll band, which we can no longer legally mention by name*. Razor heard his songs played relentlessly on the radio, but never saw a dime. Like any embittered, mistreated artist, he decided to become a zombie hunter. He joined up in 2003 and spent a lot of time sitting in the lobby tuning his guitar or making hand puppets using old socks, although he did kill some Ahkiyyinnis with the Mad Hatter. In early 2008, Razor decided it was time to retire, under the tragic misapprehension that he had a pension. He has since become a professional puppeteer in order to pay the bills.
Appears in:
2k4 Year In Review
The Mexican Assignment
Frank Gritt's Day Off
Rie Dyes
Bad Stuff
Threes' Company
To Hell with It
Superfine Movie Update
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Dr. Parson Knowles III - A world renowned scientist in zombiology. He once taught at the same university as Jim Rage, but the two generally disagreed key factors. Parson Knowles III believed that zombies were a valuable research tool. He founded the Life Extension Foundation in Blue Springs in 1982. In 1985 an experiment went wrong and triggered a massive zombie uprising. The infestation was dealt with by the EPA who used nuclear force to contain the problem. The resulting landscape made an appealing home for the Jim Rage headquarters.
Appears in:
An introduction to Jim Rage’s Elite Zombie Hunting Squad
See also:
Dr. Parson Knowles IV
Mr. Nighttime
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Dr. Parson Knowles IV - Following in his father’s footsteps Parson Knowles IV obtained several degrees pertaining to mortality studies. Using his father’s notes and a generous research grant from the EPA Knowles set out to unlock the secrets of eternal life. In a “shame on you scenario” the Knowles’ family mistakes were followed to a T. A now well established Jim Rage’s Elite Zombie Hunting Squad dealt with the resulting uprising and Dr. Parson Knowles IV via Kung Fu force. In a twist of fate his experiments did “cure” at least one person of death with no foreseeable side effects. Jim Rage’s Elite Zombie Hunting Squad’s actions have been scrutinized because of this.
Appears in:
Beyond Bloodshot
See also:
Dr. Parson Knowles III
Mr. Nighttime
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Environmental Protection Agency – Often there are situations where an organization becomes so large and has so many branches that the head can’t keep track of what the hands are doing. Truthfully the head of the EPA probably knows everything that the EPA is doing and whether he cares or not is somewhat powerless to stop it because of the monumentous amount of paperwork it would require. The Department of Enforcement and Assurance Compliance is run by a social deviant known as Mr. Nighttime. Nighttime’s fascination with the reanimation of deceased corpses and his multibillion dollar backing makes for one dangerous playboy. The EPA (more accurately the Department of Enforcement and Assurance Compliance) is the only government run agency with the authority to deal with zombies. “Superfund” has become one of the most feared words in the American lexicon. A site hopelessly lost to a zombie infestation gains superfund status, whereby it is leveled, usually by nuclear means. The EPA proves once again that idle hands do the devil’s work, but working hands need no assistance.
Appears in:
Alas Thompson
An Introduction to Jim Rage
Tales from the Inside
The Mexican Assignment part II
The Manual
See Also:
Mr. Nighttime
Dr. Parson Knowles III
Want to know more?
Visit the EPA's website
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Eric “Deathwish” Chabot:
All who are familiar with the world of Cajun-Gypsy Circus Families know that the Chabot clan of acrobats ruled the big top. Before age 11, Eric Chabot had been trained in several highly impressive fields, including knife throwing, sharp-shooting, juggling, how to play guitar by ear, and gourmet cooking. But none of these skills could save the lives of his family, when they were slaughtered by slithering undead crocodiles in the thrall of the occult figure known only as the Jackal. Notorious circus-fan Guido “Deathwish” Castiglione happened to be in the audience that night, and was so taken by the plight of the orphan prodigy that he became his illegal guardian. The two journeyed back to Vermont, where the two formed a close bond. Chabot was the Robin to his Batman; the trained chimp to his Matt LeBlanc. Tragically, in 1995 his adopted father was taken from him too, after being brutally killed by zombies in Bradford. As his dying act, Castiglione gave Chabot the nickname of “Deathwish” and Chabot promised to live up to his moniker. He traveled the world, learning the secrets of the ninja and developing what were later referred to by Drew Parazynski as “terrifyingly well-defined abs.” He ultimately returned to New England to become a zombie hunter as his mentor would have wanted, but unfortunately not even a year had passed before he was struck down the demonic spirit of “The Little Girl”. The tight community of those with washboard abs mourned for several days.
See also:
Guido "Deathwish" Castiglione
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Guido “Deathwish” Castiglione:
A descendant of the Italian-immigrant stonecutters of Barre, Guido “Deathwish” Castiglione was an aspiring rugby star for the Berserkers, until one day in 1984 when he accidentally killed the entire opposing team. The jury deemed him Not Guilty of Mass-Murder, primarily on account of how awesome it was, but Castiglione vowed never to play rugby again. He proceeded to get a job in a granite industry, smashing stone blocks with his fists until they cracked, but he was laid off after four years. Castiglione, now married to his high-school sweet-heart Beth, searched high and low for employment, but he lacked those outstanding customer service skills needed for a career in retail. In 1988, he finally landed a job at Jim Rage’s Elite Zombie Hunting Squad and became an industry legend. Thanks to his rugged looks and devil-may-care attitude, Castiglione earned the nickname of “Deathwish.” Everyone agreed that it would make a good hip-hop alter-ego, but he never capitalized on it. Later, he took young circus orphan named Eric Chabot under his wing. Just as the golfer has his caddy, so too did Castiglione have Chabot carry about his assault rifles and chainsaws. It was really heartwarming; classic father-son stuff. Tragically, in 1995 Castiglione was critically wounded during a zombie clean-up gone afoul in the sewers of Bradford. His heart having been ripped out by the notorious Garbage Man zombie, Castiglione miraculously lived long enough to bid a tearful farewell to his young ward and bestow upon him his nickname. His body is buried in the Blue Springs Cemetery. Beth Castiglione has since moved to Miami.
Appears in:
A Brief History of Jim Rage
Blue Springs
Two Years Later
See also:
Eric "Deathwish" Chabot
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Günter Bravery – Lost it all when he came to visit in 1999. At the time he was the record holder for Paguk slayings. He received a modest commission from the towns he helped save, but the real money was in Paguk claws. A prized possession world round, Günter was able to live the good life selling his schlock complete with a receipt of authenticity. He had come to Blue Springs to hammer down some details about the upcoming Jim Rage Job Summit and decided it best to leave his van at the office while everyone went out to Friendly’s™. Everyone, except Baxter Black. After one of the most rousing ice-cream duels that strip mall has ever seen, the denizens arrived back to find that in their absence the claws had been reanimated and thusly disposed of by a young Baxter Black. Günter Bravery returned to Michigan where he lives a life of seclusion.
Appears In:
Billy Qualm letter #4
See Also:
Paguk
Billy Qualm
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Hank Thrasher – Starred in our “Zombies Schzombies” ad campaign from the nineties. Hank Thrasher is often mistaken for a real life zombie hunter, but was actually just a character portrayed, most commonly, by Dunkin Spitz. Hank Thrasher made a few live appearances, most commonly for our youth program, where he’d alter his pitch about zombies to one about “the power of you”. These live appearances were usually done by an employee, but always with his iconic denim vest, handkerchief headband, and obnoxiously large sunglasses. Unfortunately there don’t seem to be any surviving copies of the ads as our headquarters was blown up in 2006 and with it went the master tapes. Dunkin Spitz, disillusioned by his lack of prospects after the ad campaign, shot himself out of Bullet Man’s giant gun. In a note to loved ones he stated that it was “The only way I’ll ever know what it’s like to be amongst the stars.” For at least a few minute Hank Thrasher was unquestionably on top of the world.
Appears in:
One Tuesday Morning (surviving script)
You Can’t Ghoul Me (lost)
Triple Z Protection (lost)
Get Lost… In a Book… About Zombies! (lost)
My Castle is my Home (lost)
See Also:
Bullet Man
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Hanz Ruprecht Ironthighs:
Raised in the snowy mountain-tops of Germany, Hanz Ironthighs was a product of a military program intended to produce the world’s ultimate man of action. He was forced to live like an animal and at age sixteen, he became Europe’s foremost expert of Panzer tanks. As his unorthodox training neared completion, a bureaucratic mix-up resulted in him being sent to Vermont as part of a cultural exchange program, along with a fully-armed Panzer. Disoriented, and unable to speak English, Ironthighs wandered around Montpelier shouting at people, crushing cars, and generally doing a poor job at representing his native country. Fortunately, his arrival coincided with an outbreak of zombie policemen. Ironthighs leaped into battle, although not literally as he was inside of his tank. After the fight came to a close, Ironthighs enjoyed a piping-hot cappuccino in the smoldering remains of the Capitol Grounds coffee shop while leisurely reading the Times Argus. Eventually he came across a JREZHS want ad posted in the classifieds and realized that he had found his life’s purpose. He was hired immediately, as everyone was very eager to ride in a real tank. The years that followed were filled with wonder. Then the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services started breathing down our necks. To throw them off the trail, and to launch an experimental expansion of the Jim Rage brand into foreign markets, we sent Ironthighs to Canada. Thanks to their superior health-care and laid-back attitude, zombies were less of a problem than in America, and Ironthighs ultimately retired to become a bus driver. He has since settled down with the equally tuetonic Hilda Von Blitzkrieg of Munich.
Appears in:
A letter from BLAZE
A letter from Elenor
Alas Thompson
Where the Deer and the Antelope Work
Frank Gritt's Day Off
Bad Stuff Happens
To Hell With It
See also:
Hilda Von Blitzkrieg of Munich
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Hilda Von Blitzkrieg of Munich – Fiancé of Hanz Irontheighs. We’re pretty sure she doesn’t like us and is the main reason we don’t hear from him anymore.
Appears in:
A letter from Elenor
See also:
Hanz Irontheighs
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Indigo Blake – You ever set your eyes upon a spilled oil patch on an ice rink? You haven’t? Maybe it’s all the motorized ice skating we do, but if you had seen spilled oil on an ice rink it still wouldn’t be as slick as our lawyer, Indigo Blake Esq. Mr. Blake is a man of few words because he charges us for every one he utters. But damn is he good.
Appears in:
Indigo Blake's Bio
See Also:
Bobby "Rock" Savage
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Interstate Bakery Co.™ - Makers of Twinkies, Ding Dongs, ho hos, Yankee Doodles, Ring Dings, Sno-Balls, Suzy-Q’s, Fruit Pies, Donettes, Mini Muffins, and Hostess Cupcakes, Interstate Bakery Co.™ is possibly the most evil force on the face of the planet. Maybe. We don’t really know. They’re owned by Mantron© and Jean Reno seemed really concerned about it.
Appears in:
Hideous Conspiracy Discovered
The Mad Hatter’s Bio
Business Analysis Report
See Also:
Jean Reno
The Mad Hatter
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Jean Reno – French action star and evil plot whistle blower. Jean Reno has been a long time supporter of Jim Rage’s Elite Zombie Hunting Squad and was, for awhile, an honorary member of John Islington’s League of Extraordinary Zombie Hunters. Jean is also a staunch supporter of eating healthy and sends us a somewhat passive aggressive gift basket every Christmas of whole grain bread, equal exchange produce, various fermented cabbage dishes, and a good helping of whey.
Appears in:
Hideous Conspiracy Discovered
See Also
John Islingston
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Jesus McMahon – The once oldest man alive. Jesus was an avid supporter of the skate board as the transportation device of the future and was often disappointed that it became an inane pastime for wash-ups and losers. Jesus McMahon took over as company head pro tempore during Jim Rage’s absence after the zombie apocalypse. Having no zombie hunting experience Mr. McMahon made for a terrible leader. The experience would turn out to be so confusing and strenuous for the old man that he passed away. We’re not really sure if he was ever buried.
Appears in:
Zombie Apocalypse part III
Zombie Apocalypse part IV
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Jim Rage's Elite Zombie Hunting Squad – That’s us, stupid.
Want to know more?
jimrage.com for all your zombie hunting needs.
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Jim Rage Emergency Jet – Also known as the JREJ (often pronounced Jay-Ray), our super state of the art jet plane was a gift from Ned Swanberg of Omni Corp Inc, with condolences for the loss of our helicopter pilot. Equipped with voice-activated sidewinder missiles and some lazer cannons we could never figure out, the JREJ was the most impractical, expensive, awesome weapon in our arsenal. Unfortunately after a little mishap in Ireland we kind of lost track of it. For the past few years we’ve had our best men working on it. Our best men however have trouble finding there own hands.
Appears in:
The Barry Dooley Report
2004 Year in Review
2005 Year in Review
An Introduction to Jim Rage
See Also:
Ned Swanberg
Omni Corp. Inc.
Barry Dooley
Sherry Anderson
Other modes of transportation:
Subaru
Danger Van
Armored Motorcycles
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Jim Rage Helps America – A hold over from the early days, JRHA was a program aimed at helping troubled youth get off the street via art therapy. Still in operation today Jim Rage Help America has unsuccessfully dealt with thousands of at risk kids. Studies have shown that because the system basically rewards drug use, teenagers who enter the program are 100% more likely to become addicted to drugs and live in a shanty in the woods behind our office.
Appears in:
Jim Rage Helps America Mission Statement
An Introduction to Jim Rage
Frequently Asked Questions
See Also:
The Woods People
Boys Legion of Amateur Zombie Eliminators
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Jim Steele - Any and all information pertaining to Jim Steele is confidential under the USA PATRIOT ACT (did you know that's all one big acronym?)
Want to know more?
Visit the justice department's USA PATRIOT ACT webpage
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Joe Justice - Entry Pending
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Johnny Wanderer – is a name you don’t want to hear if you’re set on making trouble. Johnny Wanderer doesn’t like trouble, but goes looking for it all the same. First appearing in “Jumbo Comics #13” during the golden age of comics, Johnny Wanderer was originally a jungle explorer character who would discover ancient mysteries, defy perils, and along the way fight some zombies (usually of the voodoo or cursed variety). During World War II Johnny could be seen fighting on the European front against evil Nazi scientists who were dead set on reanimating corpses. The age of atomic energy ushered in a new era of zombies and a real life Johnny Wanderer rose to meet them. Historians and people who like to do fist pumps have often argued the real origins of Johnny Wanderer, begging the age old question who came first the comic or the killer? Johnny continued to appear in real life years after his two dimensional counter-part had been absolved by a larger company and forgotten about.
Appears in:
An Introduction to Jim Rage's Elite Zombie Hunting Squad
A Brief History of Jim Rage
BRAINWASHING, HYPNOTISM, & MIND CONTROL
See Also:
Cash Flagg
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Col. Kilstryke - A devout Mormon, husband, father of two beautiful daughters, and expert quilter, Irving Kilstryke is a man with a teddy bear physic and a special talent for making things dead. Having served in scores of undocumented conflicts throughout the years Kilstryke now mostly spends his time at the pentagon, pushing buttons that kill people in places far far away. Having never run for any government position one would be surprised how much legislation he’s been involved with. Every special committee he’s ever been apart of has always passed their bill with ease after the opposing lawmakers mysteriously “disappear”, or “get their necks slit”, or simply “back off because they don’t want Col. Kilstryke to do something to them that involves quotation marks”.
Appears in:
Zombie Apocalypse part IV
The Mexican Assignment, part II
The Mexican Assignment, part III
See Also:
Sherry Anderson
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Kyle Van Helsing - Talks big, but he’s just a scared little man.
Appears in:
His lame website that doesn't even deserve a link
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Mantron© - The second largest cooperation in the world. There’s some bad mojo in that company, but it’s way above our heads.
Appears in:
Hideous Conspiracy Discovered
See Also:
Interstate Bakery Co.™
Omni Corp. Inc.
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The Manual – Often thought of as an ancient tomb the manual was really more of an anthology or a best of album for zombie hunters. The manual was a collection of documents from around the globe collected in most part by Jim Rage himself during his five year journey around the world from 1980-1985. Sections of the manual were written with blood on dried skin, some parts were written on sticky notes. Some parts were written in sand script, some parts were written in the novelty font “sand”. The spectrum and detail of the manual was so vast that not even the teenagers we paid fifty bucks to translate it could fully comprehend it and thus our web version of the manual was, how shall we say? Not so good. Unfortunately the physical manual was destroyed in 2006 along with most of our couch during the zombie apocalypse. We are currently in the process of rewriting the manual from memory (and updating it for modern audiences). Until then enjoy our “Citizens Guide to Zombies”, which is a practical guide to not being killed by zombies, but doesn’t divulge too many of our industry secrets for disposing of them. Hey come on! This is a business!
Appears in:
A letter from Chris Taro
The old online manual
See Also:
Woods People
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Max Powers:
Max Powers’ mother was bitten by a zombie while he was still in the womb, and eventually she became undead. The other consequence was that Max was born a hybrid of monster and man, and his first memory was of his father killing his mother with a wood-chipper. After that little episode, he and his father (Leonard Powers) tried to cure his hunger for brains through a special concoction made from egg-whites and wheat grass. It mostly worked, but nothing could cure the cruel jokes of the other children, because words hurt the most of all. Years later, on August 6th, 2003, he was discovered working at the Blue Springs Recycling Center by the Baxter Black and Drew “the Tough Noun” Parazynski (who were dropping off several bags of cans, hoping to get some scratch-money to see 2 Fast 2 Furious). Openly suspicious of Max’s zombie-like ways, but taken by his titanic strength, they offered him a shot at redemption by joining Jim Rage Elite Zombie Hunting Squadron. There, Powers overcame his low self-esteem through the regular cathartic release of violence on the brittle skulls of zombies. He also started going out with helicopter pilot Sherry Anderson. That didn’t end well. Especially when a series of unfortunate explosions led him to believe she was dead. In his grief, he discovered Shaivism, a sect of Hinduism that worships the god Shiva. This new found faith was entirely incompatible with his career as a zombie hunter, and so Powers eventually quit the business to open Upper Valley Lanes, Games, Guns, and Peace, where he works as a yoga instructor.
See also:
Sherry Anderson
Appears in:
A Letter from Caset Bailey
A Letter from Blaze
RIE DIES
To Hell With It
Back in the USSA
BUSINESS ANALYSIS FOR OUR CONCERNED INVESTORS
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Mitt Romney - Once a somewhat mediocre politician with small dreams, Mitt Romney was pretty much what you expect from the bay states governor. That is until he was eaten by a dinosaur. He suddenly reappeared though to run for president. Looking back at footage from his 2008 campaign it’s apparent that a clone was made and piloted by an outer space mind worm. Hypnotic chanting, nice haircuts, and crafty advertising led a good portion of the United states to vote for Mitt Romney. Although his campaign was ultimately unsuccessful, we here at Jim Rage’s Elite Zombie Hunting Squad condemn these actions and is the reason we currently have an embargo on space.
Appears in:
Boston Consumed in Orgy of Brain Eating Madness
Zombie Apocalypse part IV
All Your Mitt Romney Are Belonging To Us
Romney Announces Secret Plan
Mitt Romney Campaign Advertisement
See Also:
Thanosaurus Rex
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Mr. Nighttime - Manager of a deviant sect of the EPA, Mr. Nighttime is generally thought of as the bane of our existence. Mr. Nighttime has single handedly caused the zombification of untold thousands world wide, held back the “zombie bill” which would create a national system for the purpose of zombie extermination, and once broke into our office and drank pretty much all the milk. Mr. Nighttime also created the “Super Fund Status” which warrants the EPA to use tactical nuclear missiles to deal with their zombie experiments when they get out of hand. Jim Rage and Mr. Nighttime have known each other since the 70s and have an odd sense of respect for one another.
Appears in:
An introduction to Jim Rage’s Elite Zombie Hunting Squad
The Mexican Assignment Part II
The Mexican Assignment Part II
Beyond Bloodshot
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The Mustached Man – Our very own deep throat. The Mustached Man is the voice of those too scared to talk. Several times now we’ve been alerted of mal intent and misdoings that we would have otherwise been blind to. The Mustached Man is apparently a man of stature who can get himself into sensitive places. We can only guess as to whom he may be as we’ve only ever spoken to him over the phone. The only clue we have to his appearance is the sound of upper lip hair scratching against the phone receiver. God bless you Mustached Man, whomever you may be.
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Omni Corp. Inc. – The largest cooperation in the world and one time owners of Jim Rage’s Elite Zombie Hunting Squad. Despite their immense size, they don’t seem to have any dark motives. While we don’t fully support a company who’s mission statement is “More”, we don’t really have anything bad to say about them, especially since they gave us a jet once. We kind of think of them as a fat friend who really needs to cut back, but nobody want to bring it up.
Appears in:
Superfine Movie Update
A Letter from Caroline Whybrow
See Also:
Ned Swanberg
Mantron
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Primords – An endangered species of ape often found in or near volcanoes or thermal geysers. Primords are often misconstrued as hyper intelligent evil beings dead set on eliminating the human race. This is probably the result of a “Doctor Who” episode entitled “Inferno” where creatures called primords attempt to turn everyone else into primords. The show’s writer, Don Houghton, has stated that the similarities between real life primords and those depicted in the show are an unfortunate coincidence. His statement can be backed by the fact that in England (where Doctor Who was produced) primords are more commonly known as “yappies”.
Want to know more?
Entry on primords in from the Doctor Who Wiki
See also:
Bullet Man
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Sherry Anderson:
See Also:
Max Powers
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Subaru – A Subaru is the premier fighting force against a zombie mob. Often acquired from relatives on the cheap, a Subaru is a rugged little vehicle with plenty of storage space. We prefer our van, but a Subaru, in the long haul, makes a whole lot more sense.
Appears in:
Subaru: A Driving Force
Zombie Apocalype part III
Zombie Apocalypse part IV
See Also:
Other modes of transportation:
Jim Rage Emerggency Jet
Danger Van
Armored Motorcycles
Want to know more?
Visit Subaru's website
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Thorn Hammerfall:
Appears in:
A Letter from BLAZE
FAQs
Desperottawo
Business Report for our Concerned Investors
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Undead Removal LTD– Wild West Winfrey is a private contractor who we hire through his very own zombie extermination business, Undead Removal LTD. Undead Removal has been a great asset to Texas as well as the entire United States of America and predates Jim Rage’s Elite Zombie Hunting Squad.
Appears in:
Wild West, The Man, The Life, The Epic
Wild West’s Bio
See Also:
Steven “Wild West” Winfrey
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The Woods People – The Woods People were once thought to be a friendly race of humanoids who lived out behind our old office building. Easily recognizable for they’re funny attire and eternal youth, the Woods People would assist us in many projects for a cheap buck or two. It was then discovered that they were just any ever rotating group of teenagers who liked to hangout back there. They helped us make the original website since they were in tune with all that computer stuff. We knew they were just using the money for beer, but they were just going to get it one way or another. Now that our old headquarters is a bowling alley/shooting range the Woods People have discovered an indoor lifestyle. The more PC term for them nowadays is “trash”.
Appear behind the scenes
Letter from Denise Kaufman
Alas Thompson
2004 Year in Review
Bad Stuff
Threes' Company
Wild West: The Man, The Life, The Epic
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Zombie Terror Force – Generally thought of as an incompetent group of bumbling morons, the ZTF is Canada’s primary zombie containment option. Every year zombie problems plague our Canadian border no thanks to the ZTF. Serving for a short while, ex-employee Hanz Irontheighs proclaims that Zombie Terror Force is not fit for the job. Being the worlds only government funded zombie reduction force, it sets a bad precedent for us to ever have one of our own.
Want to know more for some reason?
Visit their lame website
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369th Urban Defense Command – A can do operation of can doers from the four corners region of the US. Although we’ve never worked in the field together, an employee of theirs named GC attended our Job Summit in 2000 as a panelist. He ordered a double stack at Friendly’s and had his eggs over hard.
Want to know more?
Visit their website
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*It was the Rolling Stones, but don’t tell anyone.
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